Key of Willingness

Willingness is the key to our sobriety. It is behind everything… everything! Being willing to be willing will help us achieve sobriety and peace of mind. 

Behind all the things we have been talking about lies willingness. If we are willing to get sober, to be uncomfortable sometimes, and still not pick up a drink, then we have more chance of succeeding.

If we are willing to face our emotions, even the difficult ones, we improve our chances of staying sober. Willingness is behind our courage, our faith. 

If we are simply willing to consider the presence of a higher Source in our lives, we have more chance of being sober, as that Source can act to guide us.

Willingness is behind our degree of honesty. If we are willing to look at ourselves honestly and be who we are with others, then we increase our chances of staying sober.

If we are having difficulty getting willing, we pray for the willingness to be willing. It is that simple.

The thing about willingness is, it takes just a little to go a long way – just the size of a keyhole. Once we demonstrate that little bit, our Source comes to our aid and helps us expand upon it.

Willingness is something we do readily, cheerfully, and voluntarily. We consent to do something specified or implied. With this attitude, we cannot go wrong, we will not be led astray.

Today, be willing to open your heart and mind to the concept of willingness. Take action to be willing. Consciously identify and realize your level of willingness. When you become willing, your life will flow much more smoothly, you will be able to stay sober more easily, and you will find peace.

Openness of Heart

Having an open heart and mind are essential for sobriety. It is helpful for us to come at life with an attitude of wonderment, open to everything we see and hear.

Making or having a judgment about everything, thinking we know everything, is detrimental to trying to remain sober. It is contempt prior to investigation. Staying open leads to being delighted with everything that comes our way.

I used to have a pretty closed mind, thinking I knew everything there was to know about so many things. I was resistant to new ideas presented to me, always thought I knew best.

Then, when I got sober, I had to learn to practice humility, and I learned I didn’t know much about a lot of things. It was that return to humility again and again that taught me to have an open mind.

The thing that’s so cool about having an open mind is that we begin to see everything with awe and wonder. It is a place of great discovery and fun. Exposure to new things brings on a whole new dimension of richness to our lives.

Usually, an open heart follows an open mind. Perhaps this is because we protect our heart more. When we use the courage we have found and ask for help from our Source, we can get past the fear of opening our heart to let ourselves out and others in.

Do you have an open heart and mind? Where are you closed? Can you take a look at that and make a different decision about whether to have an open heart and mind? It will ease your life to have an air of openness. It will help you find inner peace.

Welds of Honesty

One of the most important practices we can use to get and stay sober is being honest. By this, I mean not only cash-register honest, but honesty about who we are.

Cash register honesty means we don’t lie, cheat, or steal. But above and beyond that, we want to be honest with ourselves and  others about who we are inside.

We will need our honesty when we reach the exercise of doing a performance self-appraisal, where we will look at the things we have done to harm others, as well as consider the things we are mad at others for. But for now, let’s focus on our positive traits.

There is a lot that is talked about regarding looking at our not-so-desireable traits, our dark side, if you will. But not much is said about considering and celebrating who we are on our positive side.

It is this that I urge us to do. We want to stop and take a deep breath. Then sit with, maybe write down, all the good things about ourselves. How were we kind to others in the recent past, tolerant, compassionate?

What are our strong qualities and traits that we want to consider? It is okay to acknowledge these to ourselves and others, as we become more honest about who we are.

We are each here for the special message we hold for others, and when we are not honest with others about our good points, we keep our value from them, thus denying them a valuable experience, maybe even a healing experience. We deny ourselves the pleasure of being of service to another.

When we look at out positive points, we do so with humility, being neither boastful nor shame-filled. We just state the facts with no emotion attached. This may be difficult for us to do, having been trained not to brag about oneself. Yet, with humility, we can avoid bragging.

Today, take the time to sit and reflect upon your good traits, the ones that make you unique, the ones that feed your soul when you are engaging in them. Once you have identified them, celebrate them. Congratulate yourself and know these are your gifts, the things that make you, you.

Know that those are your gifts that you are intended to bring to the world, and know that you cannot do that unless and until you are totally honest with others about who you are inside.

Warmth of Humility

Humility – showing a lack of pride or self-assertion, the state of being humble. Humble – being modest, not proud, showing a consciousness of one’s defects or shortcomings. When practiced, these behaviors all aid to help us stay sober.

Humiliation is not to be confused with humility. Humiliation is a drawing away in shame, to be made seen foolish and degraded. I used to mistake humiliation for humility when I became newly sober, being in great shame over who I was as a person, slinking away from others with a degraded demeanor.

Somewhere along the way, we learn that humility is a place of lightness and warmth. It is a result of us deciding to be modest, and of us giving acknowledgment and thanks to our Source for our talents and gifts.  

It is a place of “being” after having seen and acknowledged our shortcomings, having recognized the humanness of our mistakes, just as much as it is the celebration of our accomplishments. Yet, we remain right-sized about it all, neither cocky nor shameful.

When we are in this space of humility, we have an energy about us, a glow. We are not braggarts about our accomplishments. Rather, we acknowledge others for their accomplishments without mentioning ours.

Once practiced for a while, there is a pleasing quality to this. We feel good about recognizing others for their good points because we have made them feel good about themselves. We are being of service, and that feels nice.

Today, spend the day acknowledging and praising others for their good points, the things that make them special, without any mention of your own accomplishments or talents. Keep your mind totally on the other person. Practice being modest. How does that feel for you? Do you feel that glow, that warmth of humility?

Warmth of Humility

Humility – showing a lack of pride or self-assertion, the state of being humble. Humble –  being modest, not proud, showing a consciousness of ones defects or shortcomings. When practiced, these behaviors all aid to help us stay sober.

Humiliation is not to be confused with humility. Humiliation is a drawing away in shame, to be made seen foolish and degraded. I used to mistake humiliation for humility when I became newly sober, being in great shame over who I was as a person, slinking away from others with a degraded demeanor.

Somewhere along the way, we learn that humility is a place of lightness and warmth. It is a result of us deciding to be modest, and of us giving acknowledgment and thanks to our Source for our talents and gifts.  

It is a place of “being” after having seen and acknowledged our shortcomings, having recognized the humanness of our mistakes, just as much as it is the celebration of our accomplishments. Yet, we remain right-sized about it all, neither cocky nor shameful.

When we are in this space of humility, we have an energy about us, a glow. We are not braggarts about our accomplishments. Rather, we acknowledge others for their accomplishments without mentioning ours.

Once practiced for a while, there is a pleasing quality to this. We feel good about recognizing others for their good points because we have made them feel good about themselves. We are being of service, and that feels nice.

Today, spend the day acknowledging and praising others for their good points, the things that make them special, without any mention of your own accomplishments or talents. Keep your mind totally on the other person. Practice being modest. How does that feel for you? Do you feel that glow, that warmth of humility?

Spaces of Courage

It takes courage to get and stay sober. After all, when we stop numbing our feelings with alcohol, they present themselves for us to deal with, to look at, to heal from. It takes guts to hang in with it.

We can first consider that the experiences we will have are for the development of our soul, our consciousness, and for our healing. We have taken the step to become sober, and hopefully have committed to seeing ourselves through the tough times. Rely on your Source.

Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations With God, says of the experiences that greet us: “One thing we do know. Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having in this moment.”

Rather than drown out the pain that arises, or give it to another to solve for us, recognize that it is for our higher good, for our evolution to much bigger and more freeing things.

So how do we find the courage to stick with it, to remain sober, when we are desperately grappling for a hand hold, while our emotions are all over the map? As I mentioned above, we turn to our Source and ask for help through any difficulty.

We turn over our emotional pain to that Source, asking it to join us in a sacred space of healing. We will find the courage to continue. Know that your emotional status will improve, it will get easier and will improve.

Another thing to do is to be with our pain and apply compassion to it. We show ourselves compassion, kindness, and we speak gently to ourselves. We ask for courage and it will come if we are open to it.

This may sound frightening to some, dealing with emotional issues. Try not to allow this to prevent you from trying sobriety, for sober living is an amazingly beautiful way to live. As one who is on the other side of that emotional pain, I can truly say that the difficulty was worth what lies ahead. 

Have faith, have courage. Be willing to explore what lies ahead for you. Know that it is for your highest good, and you shall make it through the hard times. I wish you spaces of courage through the tough times. Remember, we are on a journey to peace. 

Shadows of Doubt

If you’re anything like I was, you will have some serious doubt as to the existence of Source. You will have some serious doubt about whether sobriety is worth it. You will want to start drinking because the stuff that surfaces is just not worth dealing with. It’s too painful and the anguish you feel is not justified.

Oh, I’ve been there many times, believe me. I used to go around yelling that sobriety wasn’t worth it, just wasn’t worth what I was feeling, this huge pain from old wounds. It was unbearable and my life was better when I was drinking! Far better!

There are two things about that. The first is that I was forgetting that I was vastly unhappy when I was drinking, and, in fact, drank because I was so unhappy. I was unhappy at a soul level and knew deeply that my life was not right.

The other thing to say is that what I later discovered in sobriety was the peace and joy I looked for in drugs and alcohol, only what I found is a thousand times better than I ever could have imagined. And that’s how worth it, it is to stick with sobriety, no matter what comes up for you emotionally.

Take a look at this picture for a minute. What do you see? What feelings are evoked when you look at the side with the shadows and then you look at the side where there are no shadows? I can tell you that when I look at the side with the shadows, I get a feeling of frenzy, disorganization, chaos. It’s just too much for me with the lines and circles together.

On the other hand, when I look at that side that’s through the gate, the side that’s bathed in light, I see calm, I see smoothness. I see relief. But I have had to go through the chaos, the frenzy, the gate, to get to the other side where my heart is bathed in light.

Look at it this way… As the sun changes its position, the shadows will disappear and the right side of the gate will also be calm. Our souls are like the changing sun… As we make changes in our lives, time will pass, and just as the right side became calm over time, so will the part of us that is currently chaotic and frenzied.

Rats, I was trying to keep this a short post after mine yesterday, which was somewhat lengthy. Now I see I am at 400 words, and I was shooting for 300. If you’ve stuck with me, I hope it is worth it for you.

The point is, it is well worth keeping with sobriety through all the strife. At least, that has been my experience. It is the best thing I have ever done with my life, this keeping sober stuff – the best thing ever. I hope you choose to dance with sobriety.

Offer of Trust

As we move forward in our journey into sobriety and my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to the topic of trust. Remember, we are in search of ways to get and stay sober, and to find peace.

Of paramount importance in the journey to and through sobriety, or simply through life, is a trust in Source, or the power of the Universe, or God, or whatever we call that force in the world which guides us, offers us solace, offers us opportunities. This force will take a front seat in our journey, and it will become our companion, our confidant.

This is necessary because when we have difficulty, and want to drink, we can call upon this Source to help us, and it will! It’s the most amazing thing! I came into sobriety just having read the book “Conversations With God” by Neale Donald Walsch, and I was smitten with the idea of God. I believed He was everywhere, in everyone, in me.

This became very important to me when the feelings of my emotions began to surface without alcohol or drugs to numb them, and it was this belief to which I turned to help keep me sober, to lessen the emotional pain I experienced. I got relief, and I was able to keep from drinking, so I kept believing.

But I lost trust as the hurts and pains of my old wounds surfaced in years two and three of sobriety, leading me to feel that God could not be trusted, that I still had to “watch my back.” This lack of trust went on for some time. Even so, some force graciously helped me stay sober, and I thanked that force daily.

At one point, my spiritual advisor suggested I notice every time something good happened in my life that I had not arranged, had not orchestrated. Something that was for my better good, or that fulfilled a piece of my dream. I did what was suggested and started noticing.

Sure enough, little things kept happening that furthered my dreams to become a photographer. Opportunities began to present themselves that I knew nothing about until they showed up. I began to make gains and strides in my healing work.

I finally made the choice to believe there was some guiding force that was grander than me, that would guide me through the maze of life -my emotions, my dreams, my challenges. That force comes to me in small voices in my head, telling me a certain course of action to take, being my conscience, guiding me when I listen to it.

The point is, we need to make the choice to believe in a force greater than ourselves to help us stay sober. We do not need to do this alone any more. It is safe to ask for help. There are people waiting for us with out-stretched arms, ones who have done it before and are guiding us. These people show up in our lives at just the right time, as if sent by Source.

It is my deepest hope to be considered by you as one of those people with out-stretched arms, guiding you through the process I took to stay sober and find peace. I share my story here to be of use to those of you still suffering, whether with an alcohol or drug problem or just plain emotional turmoil not complicated with substance abuse. May you find something in my words to further your journey in a positive manner. 

Birth of Awareness

Once we have cleared the energy by our surrender, we are able to develop awareness. Awareness has to do with what we notice around and within us. 

We walk through the gates of our sorrow, our despair, to reach our passions and desires. We look through the gate and focus our attention on the lushness we see on the other side and we decide to walk through the gate.

Why do we do this – develop awareness? We decide to develop our awareness of all that is around and within us – all the glory, the beauty, the peace to be had – because we know we want to be in that space, that we can further our sobriety from the place of peace and awareness.

How do we get to awareness? We first surrender, then begin to notice the little things around us in our physical world. We pay keen attention to the flowers, the lushness of life, that abounds all around us. Again and again, we bring our attention to what is right in front of us, to the feelings we have in our heart.

Once we have decided to walk through the gates of our fear and sorrow, our despair and worthlessness, this brings us the energy we need to focus on things around us, as we discussed above.

Birth of Awareness - proposed image

After noticing the physical world around us, we then turn our attention inside, and we notice all the things about ourselves that are delightful, that make us the unique being that we are. We begin to show our appreciation for what makes us this divine and beautiful being. 

When we look with awareness, we discover the possibilities for a different life, for a peaceful and sober life, and we want this. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy… wanting more awareness, clearing the space for it, and seeing with clearer eyes and heart.

Are you able to get to that place of awareness where you can focus on your world, both outer and inner? What helps you get to that place? What hinders you? How can you do things differently to increase your awareness?

In the discovery of all that exists beyond the gate, which photo do you think speaks more clearly – the current image, or the proposed one? Your feedback is most appreciated.

Surrender of Pretense

Our next topic on the road to sobriety is surrender. This is a very important step in the process.

What do I mean by surrender? I mean giving up the fight, giving up the pretense that all is find behind our false bravado and politeness. We need to step forth and let people know and see who we really are.

We need to give up trying to maintain as if everything is fine, when it is not. It is safe to show our vulnerability around certain people. Choose the people you open up to wisely, making sure they will not verbally abuse you with the information you give them about your thoughts and feelings.

When we give up, it is a surrendering, not in defeat, but in calmness, looking forward with an air of excitement to better times. Our goals are to become and remain sober and to find peace. 

How do we surrender? We just give up. We just say to ourselves that we no longer wish to fake it, when we’re dying on the inside.

We will wish to surrender initially to get sober, and then we will no doubt have to surrender again and again as we maintain our sobriety. We will need to give up our need to control and manage our emotions, our thoughts, our behaviors. Remember, we are giving in to the need and desire to become sober and doing whatever we need for that to happen.

What does surrender look like for you? Are you able to give up the pretense that all is fine behind your false bravado and politeness? I hope you can join us in surrender. It is the first step into a life of wonder and awe.

Face of Despair

Perhaps the hardest thing we have to do in sobriety is to overcome despair. It is a most debilitating feeling, and if we are “down” enough, we might be feeling this despair.

Despair is a loss of hope. To be without hope is devastating, a bleakness beyond belief. Often, we drink heavily over our despair, and this only serves to compound it. 

The sound of despair is that of a wail, a keening. If you have ever been there, then you know what I’m talking about. Have you ever been there? Are you there now?

If you are there now, there are things to do which may be helpful. At least, they helped me to dispel my despair.

The first thing to do is to stay sober, no matter what, no matter how difficult the feeling of despair becomes. Then, what worked for me was journaling about those feelings. Brisk walks several times a day also helped, but often, we don’t have the energy for this.

It pays to understand why we are in despair, and that is what journaling can help to uncover. It also helps to get professional help from a therapist. At least, those actions worked for me.

But the thing that helped the most with my despair, was to discover that my life had a purpose. Once I discovered that purpose, my despair went away and it has not returned. For me, discovering that I could help others by telling my story, combatted my despair. I discovered that my life of misery and woe and hardship was worthwhile because it could be of use to others.

Try to discover the purpose of your life. Do some journaling about it and see if something comes up about your purpose in life. Perhaps it is to share your art, or your words with the world. Or maybe your gift is to cook.

Whatever your gift is, find the one thing that makes you of service to others, the one thing you can bring to others to make their lives better. When you can figure this out, then you can overcome despair because you are being of use to another and that is a divine feeling, a divine purpose. You feel complete when you are being of service to others.

 What is your gift that you can bring to others? How can you be of service in the world? When you figure this out, see if that doesn’t begin to rid you of hopelessness, of despair.

Agony of Sorrow

Sorrow refers to the deep, often long-continued mental anguish caused by a sense of loss or disappointment. Grief implies a more painfully intense anguish, usually of shorter duration. Whether our grief and sorrow are of short or long duration, when we get sober, we must first deal with the loss of our friend alcohol. 

We have a, hopefully, brief period of mourning the loss of our familiar life. My sorrow and grief over the loss of alcohol in my life was pretty short, because I was thrilled with the lack of hangovers I experienced.

You see, for seven years prior to my quitting, I drank myself into oblivion every night, and the hangovers from that were horribly difficult. So, to not be experiencing hangovers was freedom.

We also will find ourselves possibly mourning the loss of friends we had during our drinking and partying days. Often, we have to give up these friends because to be around them is too tempting to us… we may want to pick up a drink. At the very least, we may need to take a vacation from them until we establish our sobriety.

Then, as we continue along our course of sobriety, we look at our history, our wounds and scars from earlier days. For me, this meant looking at my childhood. I found myself experiencing grief and sorrow over the fact that I never had a happy childhood. I had to grieve that loss before I could move through my sorrow.

It is an agonizing feeling, sorrow is – searing in quality. We are tempted to ignore it or shut it out, but we must feel it to continue along our course of sober living.  To repress it will only prolong our recovery and may even lead us back to the drink. I found that journaling helped me to deal with the sorrow I experienced.

When we have dealt with our sorrow, we are ready to move on to other emotions. And, sorrow may not hit us until we have been sober for a while.  In that case, we are prepared when it comes.

What is your sorrow about? Have you taken the time to acknowledge it, to really feel it? Allow yourself to do that and your sobriety will be stronger. You will be stronger.

Corner of Worthlessness

The beginning of the book deals with four difficult emotions, the next one being worthlessness. For me, this was a feeling that I was about as good as a pile of debris in a corner, just like in the photo to the left.

It was one of the things I drank over, heavily, not only because of the bad feelings, but because of my resentment at the person who called me worthless so frequently. I was looking to drown or numb the sting of the feelings of worthlessness – the pain of hearing it, thinking it, living it. 

I did not know how to rid myself of these feelings, so I drank. It was a vicious circle… I drank cause I felt worthless and wanted to feel better, and then I felt not only worse, but depressed, as well.  It wasn’t until I discovered my life’s purpose that this all changed.

It also wasn’t until I had been sober for a few years that my feelings of worthlessness diminished. I won’t pretend to tell you the feelings disappeared overnight… they didn’t. Rather, it was 5 years into sobriety and I was still having difficulty with these feelings. Then, a miracle happened. Here’s how it played out…

I felt worthless and great despair over the fact that the pain of my upbringing was for no good purpose except to bring me down, to lead me to failure. I saw no purpose to my life and prayed to God to let me die because I was too afraid of committing suicide.

Then, one day I was at a support group and I listened to a man share about his pain, which was very similar to the pain of things I had dealt with and healed from. So I went to talk to him, and was able to relay books to read and even gave him my therapist’s name and number.

He was so grateful, he cried. As I walked to my car, I realized that my history had been of use to this guy. If I had not experienced it and suffered as I had, I wouldn’t have done healing work, and I wouldn’t have known resources to give to this man. Suddenly, I saw my difficult and painful childhood as a benefit, a plus.

In that instant, I realized my life’s purpose was to relay to others in emotional pain the information I have gained along the way in my healing process. I had a purpose, my life had a purpose! The feelings of worthlessness and despair lifted and were resolved right then and there! Yes, worthlessness creeps in there occasionally, but I am able to dispel it quickly, and to regain my sense of worth.

Do you have feelings of worthlessness over which you drink? Have you thought that your worth lies in the help and service you can give and be to others? Think about it, for there is a lot of merit in the thought that your life has had a specific purpose all along… that of healing from your wounds so you can help others heal from similar ones. Does that help with your feelings of worthlessness? I hope so…

What will life look like once I am sober? That is the question we will address today in Fear of Sobriety – Part 3. This was my second concern after “how will I ever live without alcohol in my life…”

The thing is, I didn’t know what life was going to look like but I took that leap into sobriety anyway. I had to, or die. What started happening was that situations and opportunities came into my life, and I took action on those things. 

For example, after my emotional meltdown for two months, the idea came to me to go on a road trip and to start with San Diego, where a girlfriend was living and trying to get sober. I quit my nursing job so I was available to leave, and I constructed my car with drawers and shelves in the back seat, readying it for my road trip.

When I got to San Diego, the opportunity presented itself to start going to a support group to deal with quitting drinking, and I followed up on that opportunity. That decision was to be the formation of my ability to live as a sober person, heal, and find peace.

Home for Three Years

When I had the thought to buy a full-sized camper van, gut it, and rebuild it with cherrywood, I followed up on that thought, using my God-given skills to do so. That van became my home for the next three years, as I walked through sobriety and the healing process. It was a safe haven in which to do the emotional work I needed to do.

The point is, we never know in what direction we will be pointed. I found I was always pointed in the direction of an interest of mine or a skill I had. I was steered away from nursing, and I believed resuming my nursing career would jeopardize my sobriety too much.

In the end, I was guided to a small mobile home, for which I was able to borrow funds to purchase, and I currently am working to build my speaking and coaching careers. All of this, after publishing the book I wrote over a time period of about eight years.

And I love my life, even though I had no idea it would turn in the direction it has. I just trusted the Universe and where I was being guided, and I took action on what came across my path that resonated with my heart. 

We don’t know what our lives will look like when we get sober. We just trust and we become willing to follow where we are being guided. As far as living without a drink, that has been glorious and I have been graced with the lack of desire for alcohol in my life.

You, too, can take that leap into the unknown, and can consider what results as a series of exciting opportunities which present themselves, upon which you can act. Hopefully, this takes the fear of out wondering what your life will look like if you quit drinking.

I spoke yesterday about some of the issues around fear of sobriety. I want to talk about two questions a little bit, that I had on my mind when it came to thinking about quitting drinking.

What will life look like now? How in the world can I live without alcohol in my life?

These questions came to me in response to an email I received last evening from a close friend. She read yesterday’s blog and raised the point that she had never thought that someone could be afraid of sobriety. My response to her was, ohhhh, yeah. It’s scary, at least it was for me.

The two questions above address the greatest fears I had about sobriety, so let me jump in. The first concern for me was “how can I live without alcohol in my life???” I mean, EVERYTHING I did in my marriage and soon after involved daily drinking, and drinking myself into oblivion at night for the past seven years. I could not fathom what I would do without liquor in my life. For 27 years, it had been a close companion.

But my emotional pain got the better of me in response to an unrequited love. I drank and cried over my devastation for two months, unable to care for myself. Something told me I would die if I didn’t quit. I had tried not to drink, but was not able to do that on my own. Now I was pushed over my edge to an all-time emotional bottom. So, I had no choice. I had to live with no alcohol in my life.

Besides, I’d been having sharp pain in the area of my liver for over a year. The point is, I knew I was done. Perhaps you can relate to that. What I discovered was that life without severe and debilitating hangovers was very pleasant. In future weeks and months and years of sobriety, I learned  and gained freedom.

Was it easy? No. I had acute emotional problems for the first several years over that unrequited love. But I knew I loved the lack of hangovers and that I might die if I started again, so I hung in there. I also developed the willingness to stay sober, even if it got uncomfortable. And the result was the best and most rewarding work I have done in my life.

At any rate, what we’re here to do on this go-around of going through my book, is to relay to you what the process of getting and staying sober, becoming whole, has looked like for me.

This post is much longer than I wanted it to be, so I think I’ll answer the other question tomorrow. Come back for a discussion of “what will life look like after I quit?”

I want to wrap up by letting you know I feel as if I was promoting sobriety yesterday. That was not my intent. It’s just that I get so excited about what I have gained in my life as a result of it, that I get carried away sometimes. Please pardon any irritation my words may have caused.

Webs of Fear

Today, we will begin a new journey through my book Openiing the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. We will be going through the process I went through to reach peace in sobriety.

It takes some guts… getting past the fear of sobriety. If you’re like I was, I knew at a deep level that I had a drinking problem, that what others were saying to me about needing to quit was true. But I was terrified of life without my best friend.

Fear… False Evidence Appearing Real. F-word Everything And Run. Both were me, and especially the latter. My drinking was an escape, a numbing out of all the pain I had experienced in my life… the rejections, the belittlement, being told I was worthless, and on and on…

Of course, I didn’t know at the time that I was numbing out. I had to be sober for quite some time before I realized that. The thing about getting sober and living without alcohol and drugs in my life is that it is a beautiful and peaceful way to live, once the healing occurs. Yes, I still experience fear, but it is something I can recognize and deal with.

The advantage to being sober is, I can feel the fear, and move forward anyway. I can choose to see that the fear is false evidence appearing real, gain the courage and take action. Fear is a natural reaction to many situations, and once we establish that the fear is not telling us we are in danger, we can move forward.

So, what are your fears of getting sober? Living the rest of your life without alcohol and drugs? Remember, it’s just one day at a time. You only have to live without alcohol one day at a time. After some time, the days just accumulate, you have completed healing work, and life looks pretty grand.

To get past the fear, think of it as a life style change of great beauty. Going from many situations in your life that are unmanageable to a life of peace, without all the headaches, without the hang overs, without the arguments, is something to experience.

Be willing to move past the fear, for it surely is nice on the other side. Join me, if you care to. You will be pleased. You will enjoy getting past the fear of sobriety.

Good morning. We have finished the topics in the book and I shall be starting over again tomorrow with fear. I plan to speak to the issues from the perspective that I experienced as an alcoholic getting and remaining sober. Even if you do not have a drinking problem, you may still find the posts revealing.

Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing

Today, before we continue, I’d like to make special note of my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. If you have followed the blog, then you know that each post discussed a topic from the book, in the order in which they appear in the book. It was my process of going from great fear, terror, and shame, to joy and inner peace.

This book is a tribute to the resiliency and beauty of the human spirit, as you have seen through my daily, evolving blogs. If you liked what you have read in the blogs, and have liked the images and verses, then you will love to have this book in your home or office.

Read in its entirety, it is a pathway to peace. Read one verse at a time, it is a daily meditation guide.  Again, if you like my blog, you will enjoy having the book nearby. Humbly, I offer my book to be of service to you, my loyal readers.

To that end, I would like to let you know that the book is for sale through my website. I am reducing the price from $29.95 plus shipping and tax for California residents, to $25.00,which now includes shipping by media mail, and tax for California residents. Order your copy today at this new rate.

That change will be reflected on the website in the next day or two, so please keep an eye out for it. As always, I will sign the book specifically for you or whomever you tell me to sign it for. It is a great deal; the book is a wonderful coffee table book or gift for that special person in your life who is struggling, or even not struggling. So click on “buy the book” and order a copy today. 

Join me tomorrow as we delve into the fear of quitting drinking and where that took me in my life.

Balance of Serenity

“I am serene, carried by the winds to places where I am help in balance with great beauty and strength.”

This is how we will be feeling by the time we get to this point… serene… a feeling of tranquility, of calmness. Webster goes on to define serene as not disturbed or troubled.

Once we arrive here, we will be able to maintain a deep peace, as well as a devout and reverent sobriety. 

All of the trials and tribulations we have been through to get here will seem like eons ago, and they will be a pleasing memory. It will feel as if our difficulties were worth it to get to this point of serenity.

Like the spires, the metal, and the tree branches in the picture,we are in perfect balance when we are serene. It has taken us a lot of work to get to this point and we are grateful to be here.

Life will happen, as always, but our feathers will not get ruffled as they once did. We will have the ability to hear disturbing news without freaking out. We will be able to remain more present for such news so that we can take appropriate action. 

We will feel more serene about who we are as beings, recognizing that we are human and, therefore, fallible, while we understand and humbly applaud our strengths, thanking the power that is greater than us for these gifts.

Today, reflect upon your journey, about what has led you to this point. Are you feeling serene? If so, isn’t it a beautiful feeling? If not, you may wish to review the stages of the journey through which we walked. Whichever way it is for you,show gratitude for the path you are on, and keep moving forward on your journey. 

Promise of Peace

We finally have reached peace. It is the culmination of everything we have learned up to this point. It is promised to us when we practice the principles of love that we have been discussing all along.

When we practice the principles of love for ourselves and others, the gates of our heart melt into the glow of dusk and peace rises to greet us.

This is the promise of peace. Do you feel it? Have you come along the path, the journey, and found it? Do you feel the gentleness of it as it brushes your heart? Do you find it easier to maintain sobriety now that you have peace?

Take a moment and write down your thoughts… have you found peace through this journey? Let us know what that is like for you. Please share with us.

Joy is defined as a very glad feeling, happiness, great pleasure, or delight. We may find that after going through the stages we have been discussing that joy is a constant companion. It is one of the most exciting gifts of the journey. I have found that to be true, and it is exhilarating.

Burst of Joy

“I pick up the thread, however fragile, of finding inner peace. As I do this, it leads to furthering my self-knowledge, my journey to peace of mind and freedom of heart.

“I never thought this could happen. My heart bursts with joy!”

We may come to a point in our lives that we feel we are up against a wall, that our lives will get no better and that we will always be in despair, or wherever it is that we go when we are down.

Therefore, when we find ourselves on the other side of that, joy comes as a surprise and we are thrilled! It is truly a satisfying and welcomed feeling.

Perhaps, we need a moment to reflect where we have been and where we have arrived in the present, and then we can rejoice, we can burst with joy ourselves. It goes hand-in-hand with peace, which we are about to experience, and it definitely aids in our ability to have a happy sobriety.

Today, think about where you started emotionally and where you are now, and revel in the feeling of great pleasure, of joy. Bask in that for the day.

Fulfillment of Dreams

“I am waking up from a lifetime of sleeping and am just beginning to learn to play, to fill my sails and dance across the shimmering waters.

“I am fulfilling dreams I have held in my heart forever that I did not know and, so, could not follow.”

Is this you? Are you awakening so much that you are now fulfilling your dreams? How is that for you? If you’re like me, it is awesome, soothing, satisfying, peace-evoking.

I held the desire to be a photographer when I was younger, but I gave up on that dream when I tried it in the mid-70s and was unsuccessful.

I guess there was a part of me that held that desire, and when the opportunity presented itself 34 years later, I merely followed where I was being led. I took action to feed my passion… photography, and soon I had a body, a collection, of wrought-iron gate photographs.

Before I knew it, I was writing a book of photos and verses which I later published. I sold my framed fine-art photography. I was not successful enough selling my photography or my book to support myself, but I was doing my dream. I felt fulfilled and rewarded because I tried; I followed my dream.

We don’t follow our dreams, perhaps because we think they are far-fetched. Mostly, I suspect we get into fear. Remember, fear is an acronym for false evidence appearing real. Yes, it’s scary, so find the courage and do it anyway. Try it. The success is in overcoming any obstacle and having tried to fulfill your dreams.

The feeling we will have when we fulfill our dreams is tremendous. Whether you become famous is not the issue; having overcome the fear to try, is the measure of success. 

What do you dream about doing in your most secret spaces? In your most sacred moments? Hold that dream in your heart. Be open to things as they come across your path that move you toward that dream. Take action when the opportunity arrives. The most important things to do are to remain open to your dream, to hold them in your heart, and to take action when they arise.

Don’t sit around, waiting for that special action to take… go about your life, your routine. That is not how it works. Do the next thing that presents itself to you, and the next, and then the next. One day, you may find that these steps have allowed you to fulfill your dreams.

Celebration of Choices

“I see a little man with his top hat, arm raised above his shoulder in salute. He celebrates his recent discovery… he has choices in his life.

“It is freeing to learn one can choose at any point. Ah, cause for celebration!”

I never thought I had choices about my life and my actions, my feelings, my mood. For me, all those things were totally overshadowed with childhood wounds that I could not get past to see that I could choose to act and react differently. 

I spent a great deal of my life blaming others for my misery and I wallowed in self-pity. Then I learned the practice of doing a self-appraisal and I soon realized that I was not taking responsibility for myself. Not fully… not even at all.

I learned that it was my job to heal from my wounds, that we all have wounds. I was not unique. I discovered that by getting sober and seeking therapy services, I was taking more responsibility for myself. I was exercising my choice.

You see, we all have a choice about everything we do, right down to our attitude, and once we make a choice, we need to be willing to accept the consequences that go along with that choice.

In our example, I chose not to accept responsibility for my own healing, to blame others, and the consequence for that was severe depression, despair, strained relationships, poor self-esteem, and so forth. When I hit my emotional alcoholic bottom, I was forced to make a change, or die. I chose to live.

I could have chosen to continue blaming others. Had I done that, I have no doubt I’d be dead now through the use of alcohol or at my own hands.

Realizing we have choice is a powerful place to be.  We can get out of those relationships that are toxic and damaging to our souls, our spirits. Or, we can stay and continue to accept abuse. Yes, there is fear, even terror, at the thought of being on our own, but that is a consequence of making a choice that, in the long run, is better for our being.

Today, look at the choice you have in your life; recognize that it applies to so many areas of your life. You have the responsibility to make changes if you are not satisfied; it is your choice. It is your job to initiate or seek help if you’re in a bad relationship, for example. Leaving is not the only option. Just recognize that life is a series of choice, one after another. You will be amazed at the peace that brings into your life. 

Realm of Possibilities

“If I climb the steps, anything is possible. Anything.”

This is the photo that appears on the cover of my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. It is representative of the many possibilities available to us if we climb the steps.

And what are the steps we are to climb? All of the things we have been discussing in this blog… first surrender, then awareness of the world around us. We next climb the step into trust of a power greater than us, which leads us to courage and humility. 

With honesty, openness, and willingness, we have the keys to continue up the stairway and we commit to our journey. We conduct a self-appraisal to discover our strengths and our weaknesses, doing so with gentleness and compassion.

These are things which we show for others around us, and we add in kindness. Once we have learned how to show compassion for ourselves and others, we are led to forgiveness, also of ourselves and others. We finally are able to accept ourselves and our lives as they are, and we feel hope. 

We persevere with patience, while we respect and acknowledge others. We treat them without judgment, and we engage in dialogue with them. When we do all of these things, we will experience grace and wonder. Throw into the mix a lot of gratitude, and the world is our oyster. We are prepared to do anything, as we will have grown stronger.

If we do all these things, we will discover when we get to the top of the stairs, that there are vast numbers of possibilities available to us. All we have to do is quietly take note. We can begin to bask in peace and our sobriety will be easier to maintain.

Today, while you practice all the principles of living we have discussed, find yourself at the top of the stairs and see how many possibilities there are for you. You will be delighted with the choices you have.

There is much to say about the power of gratitude. Gratitude can take us from a deep, dark place to one one of light and happiness. 

Visions of Gratitude

“When seen with eyes and heart that appreciate, everything in and around me becomes more pleasing, more beautiful.”

Such is the verse that accompanies this image in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. We are moving through the book, one topic at a time, and our goal is to reach peace and maintain sobriety.

When we’re in a low spot, the last thing we want to do is be thankful for anything, because we do not feel there is anything for which to be thankful. Yet, adopting an attitude of gratitude can pull us out of that funk.

We can start easily and small, meaning, we pick some stable things in our life for which we can be grateful… a home in which to live, food to eat.

If we don’t have these, and even if we do, we can be grateful every morning that we wake up and can see around us, can see a myriad of colors. We can be grateful for the use of our body, that we can get out of bed and walk, or propel ourselves.

That is one way to start the day. Certainly, as we start the day, we also want to show gratitude for our sobriety and the power of the Universe that helps us to stay sober.

Every little thing that happens to us throughout the day can have gratitude applied… making it to the grocery store safely, having money to buy groceries in the first place, and so forth.

If we are having trouble identifying things for which to show gratitude, we can start by sitting down and making a gratitude list. This is hard to do sometimes, yet it yields tremendous results over time. We start by listing ten things about us and our lives for which we are grateful. Then, we just sit with that and repeatedly express gratitude for those ten things.

The next day we do the same, and then the next, and then the next after that. Every day, we write down a gratitude list and we reflect on that list. Over time, we soften to the things for which we are grateful and we begin to see other things in our lives to add to the list.

Given time, finding things for which to be grateful comes automatically and we begin to be able to expand our list. We will find ourselves looking for the silver lining in the cloud of that bad experience  so we can express our gratitude. It does not happen overnight, but eventually, we will see everything with the eyes of appreciation and we will want to continue this because it feels so good inside.

Today, find three things for which you can express gratitude, and repeat that tomorrow. Then, start writing down ten things you find that you are grateful for. It could be as simple as the pictures on the wall which bring you peace and joy, or as complex as gratitude for that unrequited love that pried you out of a verbally abusive marriage and led you to sobriety.

Soon, you will live a life with an attitude of gratitude, and this, more than anything, will lead you to peace and help to keep you sober. Gratitude is a powerful tool at our disposal, at least, I have found it to be so.

Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening. Today we continue on in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, and we come to wonder. Learning to live with awe and wonder helps a great deal in our search for our goals of continued sobriety and inner peace. 

Moments of Wonder

“A beam of light falls upon the metal. I look with awe and wonder at the star that appears… out of nowhere.

“Do you suppose there has always been such richness, such wonder, such beauty in the world? Perhaps, it has been there all along, waiting to be noticed, to be seen with the eyes of the heart.”

When I took this photo, I did not see the star formed by the sun’s reflection on the metal. In fact, it took me several months to notice it.

It wasn’t until I stood back across the room and looked at the photo, that I saw the star. I was struck with awe and wonder in that monent. Hence, the title for this image.

There are moments of awe and wonder all around us, if we just take the time to notice and look with our heart. It takes being still for a moment, to gaze around us at all that is vast and wondrous.

When we are still, even for brief moments, we will notice the hearty flowers, growing at the side of the road. Or, we will notice the little girl, so excited about discovering sand for the first time.

In our busy and often hectic day, we forget to just pause, to notice all that is so amazing right around us, surrounding us. When we take that moment, it goes a long way to furthering our peace of mind and our ability to continue living sober.

Today, slow down long enough to notice one amazing thing around you. Do this three times a day. Then tomorrow, do it every couple of hours and the next, every hour. Continue this until you are constantly seeing your entire world with wonder. Feel the inner peace that is generated.

Path of Acceptance

“When we become entwined with our path, the steps become as soft as velvet, and the ascent flows smoothly.”

Such is the case when we accept our path in life, accept our path on a daily basis. Often, we resist what is being shown to us as our true path and, as a result, life is difficult and we encounter many barriers, many obstacles. It just seems as if everything goes wrong.

On the other hand, when we tune into our path, take action on the things which come across our path that feed our soul, and further our dreams and goals, the Universe responds in like kind and moves us along smoothly, with little effort.

It’s hard to describe the wonderful feeling that occurs when we accept our path in life, for it is truly amazing. Things just fall into place and all we have to do is take that first step, follow where our path is leading us.

It takes trust in that power greater than us, that we are being guided to a safe and appropriate place, and it takes willingness to follow where we are being led. If we believe in our higher power, we can relax and do the work that comes across our path to do.

If we accept our lives as they are, even if we don’t like it, it makes our lives that much more easy to deal with, to cope with. We will know peace and we can easily maintain our sobriety. If we continually rail against or resist “what is,” we will continually know strife. 

Today, notice the times when your actions lead effortlessly to a positive result, one that is in line with your goals, your aspirations. Notice that when you accept what is going on in your life, even if you don’t like it, life flows smoothly. 

As we move through my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we continue to look at ways in which we can interact with ourselves and our world. We can look at living in harmony. Remember, our goals are sobriety and peace.

Shades of Harmony

“When do we take the time to just listen to the breeze, the quietness, the ramblings of our mind or the world around us?

“When are we just still?

“When do we simply rest, quietly connecting with ourselves and all that is vast and wondrous around and within us?

“Could this explain our inability to touch ourselves and others in quiet, kind, and harmonious ways?”

We seem to always be racing around, not taking the time to quietly reflect upon ourselves – who we are, our beliefs, our dreams. Instead, we are cleaning or shopping or listening to TV or playing on the computer. I am guilty of the latter…

In doing that, we often are not living in harmony with ourselves and others. What would happen if we just ceased our constant motion and thought about who we are, what we want to be like in the world, how we want to relate to others and ourselves?

Do we not do it because we are frightened with what we will find if we do not fill our moments with activity? Perhaps, we will discover more about ourselves and our world that delights us, gives us strength and peace. Perhaps we will discover we are living in harmony.

As you go through your day, notice the opportunities to be still with yourself, simply reflecting on who you are at your core, what your dreams and aspirations are. Let those thoughts play in your mind, in your heart. See yourself living in harmony with yourself and others in your world.  

Invitation of Dialogue

“If we as individuals cannot speak to each other, how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?”

This is the verse that accompanies the next image in the book. We are walking through my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, one topic at a time. Our goals are sobriety and peace.

I was struck with awe when I saw this gate, as the little men seemed to be not only talking to each other, but listening as well. They seemed to be engaged in dialogue.

We as humans need to get ourselves together on the inside, and when we do, we then need to be able to communicate and interact with others in a meaningful way. When I say “meaningful,” I am referring to talking in a kind and respectful manner.

I listen to those around me when I am in public places, like the grocery store, and I am struck with how many people speak to each other in a mean or sarcastic way. I cringe when I hear this, thinking to myself that there is no kindness shown… no respect. And my heart is sad, believing that there is another way to talk with each other that is less hurtful.

As we engage in talking with another, we can, as I said, show kindness and respect. We can also show tolerance. There is no need to be sarcastic or defensive. And, one of the biggest things we can do when engaged with another is to listen to what they are saying, to have an interest in them.

Don’t worry. We will each get our chance to talk about ourselves and, if we don’t, then it was not meant to be. The other had something to get off their chest and we were the sounding board.

Yet, in a perfect world of dialogue with others,  it is a give and take of conversation, an ebb and flow of ideas, thoughts, and feelings. This makes for a rich and satisfying exchange for both parties.

In your conversations, are you kind, respectful, and tolerant to the other? Do you listen to what they are really saying, taking the time to not worry what you will say when it’s your turn to talk? Do you dialogue with others, talk with them, or do you talk to them? Today, be conscious of your dialogue with others and see if that feels different for you.

Thank you for joining me on today’s post about cultivating differences. This is a very important piece on the way to living a sober and peaceful life.

Cultivation of Differences

“We ask, require, demand that those around us be like us, share our attributes, our beliefs. And in so doing, we compare… one to another. In that process, do we not squash the spirit of one who is different from us – one whose thoughts and dreams and talents lie in a different place?

“We are like the gates. Although similar in design, what thrives in one spot does not grow in another. On one, there is corrosion or patina, while on another is mellowed brass.

“One is not more beautiful than another. Each has beauty in its own right, if we will only look… if we will only see.”

I wrote the first and third stanzas in my journal in 2002 as a result of my work and healing around the issue of always having been compared to my sisters and always having been found deficient. In 2004, when I photographed this gate, I added the stanza that starts “we are like the gates…”

Certainly, the message is clear about color, and cultivating the differences with people of different color. There are many other differences among us that can also be cultivated. There are different talents, dreams, and occupations. If we would stop comparing each other and instead cultivate our differences, the world would be a gentler place in which to live.

How do we do that? We become secure about ourselves first, secure in who we are as individuals, strong about our beliefs of who we are. Then, we approach others with a sense of curiosity about who they are – their beliefs, their customs.

We applaud their uniqueness, recognizing that our differences make our lives more rich, more full. We respect them for these differences, even if we believe someone has more “value” as a person if they go to college, for example. We dispel that myth, because each of us has a calling, and we respect and encourage everyone’s calling. We recognize that what we do is not who we are.

How do you cultivate our differences? Do you compare, one to another, or do you celebrate our differences? Today, show respect and encouragement to those who are different than you. Become curious about the customs and beliefs of those whom you will meet throughout the day. Notice how good that feels in your heart, your soul. 

If we are following through on the topics as I have presented them from my book, right about now we are going to experience the gift of grace.

Sweep of Grace

“Gently, quietly, an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure is bestowed upon me.”

Grace is defined as an attractive quality, feature or manner. It is the unmerited love and mercy given to man by God, or the Universe, or whatever you consider that power greater then yourself to be.

It is a feeling that overcomes us, settles all around us like a warm cloak. When we feel grace, we feel complete, whole, and right. It has a flowing quality.

We feel at one with ourselves and the world around us. When we feel grace, we feel at peace. We are able to maintain our sobriety when we feel grace, as we feel our wounds and pains minimize; they don’t have the “sting” that they have had in the past.

Grace is that which allows us to meet calamity and unrest with smoothness, calmness, and quietness, knowing at a deep level that everything will be okay.

Grace is the reward we experience for having followed all the things we have talked about so far. It is a gift and we want to be thankful for it.

How do you experience grace? Is it something you feel often? What actions on your part bring you to grace? Today, notice when you are enveloped by grace. Cherish it, be grateful for it, and enjoy it.

Growth of Character

“Do we notice the character of another? Do we recognize the traits and qualities of another, grown over time on the wall of one’s being?

“Do we notice our own character, evolved, over time, on our own beautiful wall? Do we groom the moss and mold, encouraging new growth to flourish?” 

Or, are we not noticing the beauty of the character of another? When we notice, really notice, another’s character, we see the beauty that they have spent a lifetime gathering and growing.

We can acknowledge their growth, and celebrate it, just as we can acknowledge and celebrate our own growth of character. It has grown, over time, and it is truly a beautiful sight to behold.

If we take the time and make the effort to see the growth of character of our or another’s wall of our being, we will see the great strength that we each have cultivated. It is manifested as our code of ethics, our morals, truth, and integrity.

If we notice these things in another, we may choose to emulate them, which will, in turn, grow our own wall of character. We want to be forever learning, forever growing; this is the message of life. 

Take the time to notice another’s wall of their being today. What do you see? What can you learn from it to use on your own wall of character? Now notice your own being, the lessons and beliefs that create your character. Isn’t it beautiful? Doesn’t it feel peaceful just to be still and notice?

As we continue to search for sobriety and peace, we must develop tolerance. Defined as bearing or sustaining differences in others, allowing and permitting those differences, and recognizing and respecting those differences, tolerance must be our mantra.

Practice of Tolerance

“I have the most difficulty being tolerant of others when I am feeling inadequate, insecure, and uncomfortable with myself. Yet, when I am able to look beyond the imperfections of others, I discover great beauty and worth in them. And, I discover that another’s value does not diminish my own.”

There are things which cannot be tolerated, such as verbal or physical abuse, denigration of our spirit. We want to assess our own behavior and be sure we are not guilty of either of those. If we are, we pray for the willingness to change that behavior. We get help.

If we find ourselves in an abusive situation, we need to find the courage to speak up against the abuse. If we find we cannot do that because it incurs more of the same only with more force, then we consider getting ourselves out of that relationship.

Tolerance of others is a major way to promote peace, not only within, but in the world around us as well. Peace within and around us is not possible unless there is tolerance. The more sober we become, the more we find that tolerance just flows naturally.

It is so important that we practice tolerance; I cannot stress that enough. We will feel filled-up and that will generate more tolerance.

Not only do we need to develop tolerance for others, we must develop it for ourselves also. Certainly, we continue to perform an appraisal of our behaviors, yet, when we are less-than-perfect and hurt another, we are tolerant of ourselves, and then we take action to apologize and to change that behavior in future situations.

Assess yourself today. How do you practice tolerance with others and  yourself? If you discover you are not tolerant, you may take action to change that, as tolerance is the way to peace, to staying sober. It is our mantra.

In our continued quest for sobriety and inner peace, the next topic in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, is judgment, or lack of it.

The kind of judgment to which I refer goes beyond the assessment of a situation to assure our safety. I am talking about the type of judgment that degrades another, that diminishes them. 

Absence of Judgment

“Why do we judge others so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others?” The verse goes on to ask why we are so judgmental of ourselves for the same reasons.

Do you suppose we judge others so harshly because we are uncomfortable with ourselves, and, in an effort to feel better, we cut someone else down?

We first judge by appearance, so if someone dresses in a way that is out-of-the-norm, we have deemed them unworthy of our liking or consideration. It is said that in the first seven seconds of meeting someone, we have judged them. How do we have a clue what they’re all about in seven seconds?

Ah, perhaps we don’t care what they’re all about. Perhaps, we use that seven seconds to compare them to us, and we size ourselves up to their looks, so we can feel better about ourselves. Is that what we’re doing?

We don’t have to like everyone; that’s not what I’m advocating. But we can find out who they are inside, in their heart, and then let them be themselves without judgment of whether they’re good or bad people.

And what of ourselves, when we judge ourselves harshly? What’s with that? Often, we are harder on ourselves than we are with others. Instead of doing that, could we be kind and gentle, showing ourselves compassion? 

Today, take a minute to notice when you greet others whether you are judging them. Try instead, to see their soul, who they are as a person and reserve judgment. Take several minutes to reflect upon how you judge yourself, and just for today, try to catch yourself, and stop doing it. See how freeing and peaceful that feels?

Respect of Individuality

“We ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us. Why?” 

Why, indeed! “Why can we not celebrate the talents and skills and differences of each other, encouraging others and ourselves to greatness, daring to stand out, to be unique, to be individual?”

Such is the verse that accompanies the image to the right in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. We are continuing on through the book in our search and quest for sobriety and inner peace, and today we are looking at individuality.

This verse was prompted by my experience of always being compared to others and being found deficient, almost every time. My dreams and talents and skills were rarely applauded for the fist 16 years of life; instead, I and my interests were compared to my sisters and found to be stupid, a waste of time. 

As a result, I have struggled with daring to stand out with my uniqueness, my talents and skills, until I became sober, did some healing work, and found inner peace.

We do great disservice to others when we compare them to ourselves or another, rather than accepting and applauding them as they express who they are in their soul. We are negating their Spirit-given talents and abilities, who they are at their very core.

Perhaps, the number one thing we can do to encourage individuality in others is to have a firm belief in and appreciation of who we are ourselves. We can work on ourselves to discover these things. When we do, we can go outside of ourselves and truly appreciate another who is different than us.

We no longer see the other as a threat, needing to be cut down, when we feel secure about who we are. Rather, we rejoice in all the different people that exist in the world, confident in the knowledge that the differences lend texture and richness to our lives.  

It is this single action that will bring us respect of individuality in others. Ask yourself today if you can truly see yourself with respect for your own individuality, and then observe how free you are to appreciate the individuality of those around you. 

The topic after patience is acknowledgment. I share the verse from the book that goes with acknowledgment, and then talk about how to acknowledge.

Acknowledgment of Others

“We go within so we can reach out to others and we reach out to others so we can go within. It is a never-endiing circle of acknowledgment of each other, and of ourselves.”

The verse then goes on to say that we just want to be noticed by others, to be seen, how we need to matter to others, and to ourselves. It ends by stating that we need to help each other. We don’t need to do this thing called “life” alone.

Acknowledgment is nothing more than recognizing another and letting them see that you notice them. In the case of ourselves, it is the recognition and noticing of our feelings, our thoughts, our dreams and desires.

It is very simple to acknowledge someone. All it takes is a nod, a smile. If we are talking with someone and another comes up to speak with us, interrupting our conversation, we can hold up our index finger to symbolize “wait a minute. I’ll be right with you.”

It is very important to offer acknowledgment to ourselves. That means first noticing our thoughts and feelings, our dreams and desires, then lending them credence, validating them as we notice them.

On our path to sobriety and peace, we do not want to just look away and ignore these things; we want to offer ourselves the same courtesy we would extend to another. Once we provide our thoughts, feelings, dreams, and desires with acknowledgment, then we can take appropriate action, if indicated.

There is something magical that happens when we acknowledge another. You see, we are each so thirsty to be acknowledged, to be noticed, that their appreciation for noticing them is met with a smile. The same thing happens when we acknowledge ourselves; we gain more self-respect.

Take  a moment today and offer acknowledgment to another, to yourself. Experience the magic. 

Good day to you. The next topic in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing is patience.

Patina of Patience

“I am being asked to slow down so much after a life of running so fast. I do not know how to do that. How do I watch and wait for life to evolve naturally without forcing it? How do I learn to be patient?”

When we get sober, it is paramount that we learn to slow down, to simplify life. Instead of forcing things to happen, we must learn to let them unfold, in their own time.

This is difficult for most of us to do, yet is a skill which will benefit us greatly. It will pave the way to the peace we are trying to find. 

Note the blueish color of the gate. That is patina, which develops over time on metal. It is appropriate to link patience and patina in the same title, because all things rich and beautiful happen over time.

I say we must be patient and let things unfold, but that does not mean we sit around just waiting for things to happen. No, we first have to take appropriate action on the things which appear in our lives to do.

That is called doing the next indicated thing. Once we do that, we leave it alone, develop patience for the result, and go about the next indicated thing which appears on our path.

Practicing patience occurs over time, I cannot stress that enough. Learn to be patient in your efforts to master patience. The reward is priceless, will help to keep you sober, and will guide you on your way to peace.

This morning I will write about trying, patience, and perseverance. If you make an attempt at something and feel you have not succeeded, do not become discouraged!

Instead, try to look at your attempts as lessons. When you do not obtain the desired result, think of your efforts as designs from the Universe for your growth, learning, and healing. 

Rolls of Perseverance

“I struggle to not become discouraged, or to think I am a failure because I have not achieved in my first few attempts the vision of myself as I wish to be.

“Instead, I try to hold tightly to that vision, awaiting my efforts to catch up with the way I am seen by my heart. Through practice and perseverance, I am learning and growing.”

From this verse, it is evident that I have struggled with my failures. That was part of my path in sobriety, of my healing.

I can tell you that in my life today, I do not get discouraged very often; I just keep trying to do what I need to get done. I keep doing the next indicated thing that appears in front of me that is needed to reach a goal.

Over time, with continued perseverance, you will succeed. Your success will either be that you reach your original goal, or it will be the realization that the Universe does not wish for you to go in a certain direction.

Either way, this is a success. With your sobriety, there is a saying in the recovery community to not quit before the miracle happens. Keep working at it; persevere. Try again and again to achieve the person you truly want to be in your heart, whether that is a sober person, or one at peace.

It will come, really, it will. Do not become discouraged. Gently move forward with the tasks at hand, but don’t force things. Things that are meant to be will just fall into place with little effort.

If you get discouraged, it does nothing else but draw negative energy to you, which becomes a magnet for more negative experiences. Rather, with graciousness and humility, try again. Adjust your approach or your goal. Perhaps it is unrealistic or unreachable. You will be the judge of that as you assess the results of your efforts.

But the key is, do no become discouraged. Keep trying with perseverance.

Today, look at what you call a failure as actually a lesson to be learned, brought to you by the Universe. Don’t you find that your energy level remains higher when you approach it from that light?

This morning we continue on in my book and reach hope. We have now experienced ways for getting past hopelessness.

Ray of Hope

“A ray of light across the bars of my being lights my way, instills hope in my heart.” This is the verse that accompanies the photo on the left.

Hopelessness is defined as having no expectation of an event occurring, being despondent. Despondent implies being in very low spirits due to a loss of hope and a sense of futility about continuing our efforts.

Hope, on the other hand, is defined as a feeling that what is wanted will happen, a desire accompanied by expectation. It is hope which we want to cultivate in order to dispel hopelessness.

We have come a long way in our journey and have learned several tools and ways to act and behave that will be useful in combatting hopelessness. We have learned to surrender the pretense that everything is fine with us and we have discussed awakening to awareness of what is going on around and within us.

We have learned to trust in a power greater than ourselves, and to have courage and humility. Ways to treat ourselves with such things as gentleness, kindness, and compassion have been discussed.

We have become honest about ourselves and heave learned to practice willingness, to commit to the journey, to move forward. Finally, we have learned the tremendous tool of how to conduct a self-appraisal. Through that appraisal, we have come to forgiveness of both others and ourselves. Do you see how far we’ve come?

Now, after going through what we have, we have learned to accept ourselves. All of these things in combination provide for us a ray of hope that life can and will get better for us. Hopefully, it already has begun to do so.

We focus on that ray of hope as we work on getting past hopelessness, allowing hope to grow. We take a deep breath, reveling in this new-found hope, and we allow it to blossom.

Today, take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come, and begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the way past hopelessness to sobriety and inner peace.

We continue to move on in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, as we work our way to sobriety and inner peace.

Acceptance of Self

We have come to Acceptance of Self. “Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

“Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws, and our spirit?”

I firmly believe that each of us has a truly delightful soul that has often become over-ridden by the hurt and pain we have endured throughout the course of our lives. Our response to these experiences is to close up, to protect ourselves, sometimes treating others or ourselves badly.

In the process of doing that, we forget that we have that delightful soul and spirit that awaits our recognition. Or, perhaps, we focus on our flaws and, so, see ourselves as “less than,” or unworthy.

At some point, we have to just give up, surrender, our negative thoughts about ourselves and celebrate our humanness – celebrate who we are in our soul. We have to gain acceptance of who we are. For in our soul is a good being, if only we can recognize this.

Our efforts need to be focused on our positive points. That is not to say we ignore our flaws, which we all have because we’re human. But we have in place a method for dealing with the hurts we cause others and ourselves through our flaws. It is the self-appraaisal which we discussed a few blogs back. We need to practice doing an appraisal and amends, as appropriate, on a daily basis.

Once we are clean with others, we turn our attention to ourselves. We forgive ourselves for our transgressions, and we just accept ourselves as we are. I say that like it’s easy, but it is not. The key is willingness to let go of our negative beliefs and treatment of ourselves, allowing that delightful spirit to emerge. We surrender to who we are at our core.

When we do these things, we will find a deep and abiding peace, and we will be that much more able to stay sober.

For today, allow your spirit, your soul, to emerge. Clean up ragged relationships with others and yourself. Then, just give up and accept yourself as you are, knowing that, in your soul, you are a valuable human being.

As we travel on in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to forgiveness. I shall talk about how to forgive, a way I discovered that worked on a 40-year resentment against others from my childhood.

Tiers of Forgiveness

Before sobriety, I spent most of my life angry at others for their mistreatment of me as a child. I drank heavily over it, and spent much time blaming them for my misery.

Then, once sober, I was conducting a self-appraisal, and I realized that I had done to my husband and other men in my life the very same thing that another had done to me… called me worthless.

I was appalled, as I realized I had not meant that. I had said it because I had felt worthless about myself. I began to have compassion for the hurt being and mentally sick person I was in the moments that I said that.

Then I realized that if I had felt that about myself, maybe that other person did also. Maybe he called me worthless because he felt that about himself.

My compassion expanded to include him. From that, I was able to forgive and years of resentment began to melt away. For me, it occurred over time, in tiers, or stages.

Holding resentments is the number one thing that keeps us from maintaining our sobriety and finding peace. They keep us blaming others instead of taking responsibility for ourselves. In order to gain forgiveness, I suggest the following:

1. we identify the person(s) against whom we have a resentment
2. we identify the reason why we feel that resentment
3. then, we do a self-appraisal and ferret out times when we may have done the very same thing to others for which we resent the person identified in #1.
4. we are honest about this, and shine the spotlight on our behaviors and own them
5. chances exist that, at one point in life, we may have done the same thing that was done to us
6. we look at ourselves with compassion, recognizing our mental anguish at that time
7. then. we turn our attention to the one we resent and consider that they were feeling mental anguish like we did
8. we see that person(s) as a sick individual at the point in time that they harmed us
9. we extend our compassionto include the object of our resentment
10. in stages, or tiers, we allow for forgiveness to this mentally unbalanced person

In my experience, this is my way of how to forgive. For today, try this exercise and see if it gives you some relief from your resentments. Let us know what happens by leaving a comment, so we can all learn from what you found.

“What is kindness?” is perhaps a question we want to ask ourselves more frequently. I say this because I overhear people speaking to each other in an unkindly manner all-too-often.

Curls of Kindness

What IS kindness? According to Webster, it is nothing more than being sympathetic, generous, friendly, gentle, loving, tenderhearted, and affectionate. Sometimes, we are better at these ways of being to strangers than we are to those we have been with for a long time. I wonder why that is…

Perhaps, it is because we have grown tired of the relationship and the other person. Or, maybe it’s because we are feeling grumpy at the point in time that we are unkind and we think it’s okay to take it out on the one we love the most. Is that fair? Probably not…

So how do we prevent that? We learn about ourselves more, about our tendencies to blow up at another when we’re irritable, or not getting what we want. We do our self-appraisal and we make amends, when appropriate. We begin to consciously practice all the ways that Webster defines kindness, as I’ve listed above.

Then there is the issue of how we treat ourselves, which is often harsher than how we treat others. We call ourselves stupid, for example, when we make a mistake.

How do we practice kindness, you ask? The answer to that is that, perhaps, we don’t. But we can, simply by choosing to look at another with respect, tolerance, and love, so that kindness just naturally flows from that point. It may not be a simple matter for us to do that, in which case, we can work on that. It’s practice, not perfection.

What is kindness to ourselves and how do we practice that? First, we can begin to note our negative self-talk. Then, we fetch ourselves up shortly when we are talking to ourselves in an unkind manner. We remind ourselves that we want to treat ourselves differently – with more kindness. So, we replace the negative criticism with some compassion, perhaps, or we pay ourselves a compliment for what we DID do right or well. With practice, we can change our interior thought-world.

When we learn to be kinder to others and ourselves, we will have just that much more chance of getting and staying sober, and we will begin to feel more peace.

I just have one question and it happens to be the verse from my book which goes with the photo above. “If this is not the time to be kinder and gentler to each other and to ourselves, when will it be?” 

As we move further in our journey to sobriety and peace, the next topic discusses our morals, truth, and integrity.

Pillar of Strength

“Perhaps, rather than thinking I must make my morals, truth, and integrity match another’s, I can determine what resonates with my own heart. When it does, I have the strength of a pillar.”

In life, we often are swayed by another’s beliefs, especially if that person is domineering and we are retiring in response to that domination. Or, we adopt another’s morals, truth and integrity to fit in, to be liked.

That deviation from our own beliefs affects our soul, I believe, and when we exude our own morals, truth, and integrity, we have an inner strength, as strong as the pillar pictured above.

To determine if we are adopting another’s beliefs, we can ask ourselves the following questions:

• are we being what others want us to be?
• are we compromising who we are by doing that?
• can we feel how that is affecting our spirit?

Sometimes it is very difficult to develop and live out our own truths. I experienced that in my marriage because my husband was very insistent I buy into his morals. truths, and integrity. I did, because otherwise, an argument ensued. So, I did it to keep peace.

Finally, I was pulled from that relationship due to a love I had developed for another man. What a blessing that was, I can say in retrospect. At the time, however, I was devastated. That’s a whole other story…

We need to assess our safety when we speak out in belief of our truths. Are we in a safe environment, a safe relationship? Are we likely to get hit if we speak out on our behalf? If so, speaking up is not wise, so we then ask ourselves, can we get out of this relationship? To stay in such a union degrades our spirit and our soul, little-by-little, day-after-day. Is that what we want?

Being moral is what is good and right in our conduct; it is making the distinction between right and wrong. Integrity is the state of being of sound moral principle, being upright, honest, and sincere. It is the quality of being whole and sound.

When we find ourselves speaking our truths, we will feel our words resonating with our heart and this is how we will know we are practicing our own morals, truth, and integrity. That is when we will be our strongest, our most whole. We can take that strength into our daily lives.

Do you practice your own morals, truth, and integrity? Is it safe for you to do so? If not, can you leave the relationship? If it is safe, can you gain the courage to speak out with your beliefs, to act upon your own morals, truth, and integrity? For today, try speaking up with your own beliefs. See how freeing that feels.

Yesterday, we talked about how to show compassion to others. Today, we shall talk about how to turn that compassion toward ourselves. Remember, our goals are sobriety and inner peace. And, I’d like to add the goal of gaining a balance in our lives.

We always do the best we know how at any given moment, with the tools and knowledge we have at that time. Always. Therefore, when we do something for which we are not proud, or something hurtful to another that we regret, we can stop and remind ourselves of this.

Instead of beating ourselves up or feeling remorse, we can look at ourselves with compassion. We can understand that we did the best we could, and vow to change our behavior in similar situations in the future. This does not condone or excuse the hurtful things we do; we still need to apologize and then change our behavior.

But we can soften how we see ourselves, and not harshly criticize. Harsh criticism gets us nowhere except into shame. Shame gets us nowhere except into a negative space, and that is detrimental for us. Remember, we did the best we knew how to do at that moment. If we knew better, we would have done better.

Life is filled with lessons. Instead of looking at things as failures on our part, we can instead look at all situations as learning experiences, ones from which we can grow and heal. I believe that’s why we are presented with difficult situations – to learn, grow, and heal.

A word of caution about self-pity. It is detrimental and fuels our desire to drink away that for which we are pitying ourselves. Self-pity excuses our responsibility to see ourselves with honesty, to make amends, and keeps us blaming others for our transgressions. Beware of self-pity; it is toxic for us.

Today, practice viewing yourself with compassion. Consider yourself a wounded individual and acknowledge those wounds. Realize that that’s why you were unkind or unloving to another or yourself. Apply compassion, which is nothing more than sympathy, and see how your self-talk softens. You will feel more love for yourself, which will ward off the temptation and desire to drink about what you did or said, and you will know more peace.

As we travel through my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, the next topic is compassion.

I put compassion after gentleness because compassion is another behavior we want to cultivate in our dealings with others and ourselves. If we practice compassion and gentleness, we will go a long way toward our goals of staying sober and finding peace.

Webster defines compassion as sorrow or deep sympathy for the sufferings or troubles of another, often accompanied by a desire to help. It also says compassion is pity for the person, but I disagree with this. I think that to show pity for another is to degrade and negate them as beings.

Pity differs from compassion in that it sometimes is accompanied by contempt because the object of our pity is regarded as weak or inferior. At least, that’s what Webster said when I looked up pity. People do not want our pity, but they may welcome our compassion. 

How do we show compassion? In the book, the verse talks about my dealing with a homeless man and my inability to acknowledge him because I did not have money to give to him. I was ashamed that I couldn’t even smile, or give a nod of acknowledgment. After all, each of us wants nothing more than to be acknowledged for our difficulties. It offers validation for our pain and suffering.

Fields of Compassion

In the book, the verse goes on to say, “All it would take is a look, a smile, to let this man know I care about him, feel his plight, want to help. I can offer a fellow human being a smile, a hand, and fill a vacant field with compassion.” 

To show compassion, we can say to the person something like, “I’m sorry you are needing to deal with this.” That offers acknowledgment and validation for his/her pain. It often is all that is needed for the person to continue on in their grieving process.

We can also ask, “How can I be of help to you?” if we are, in fact, willing to help in some way. Another way to show compassion is through silent means, such as donating something that will help another, such as food or money.

The point is that we get out of ourselves and offer something we have in excess, whether that be our time, our sympathy, a shoulder to cry on, or money.

How do you show compassion to one who is suffering? Do you look away or do your reach out to them? Just for today, try to offer condolences to someone who is suffering and see how it benefits both them and you. 

Tomorrow, I will talk about ways in which we can show compassion to ourselves.

As we move forward in the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, our next topic is gentleness. Remember, we are trying to stay sober and are working our way to inner peace. Gentleness is very important as we work toward these goals.

Bed of Gentleness

“Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

What do I mean by gentleness? I mean we do not beat ourselves up or reproach ourselves for what we find when we do our self performance appraisal. Instead, we see ourselves as human beings who are fallible, who have a dark side.

Gentleness is not an excuse to pardon our hurtful words and actions, however, and, as discussed yesterday, we make amends to those we have hurt. That includes making amends to ourselves.

Instead, we talk gently to ourselves, with kind and understanding words. Once we are able to do this, our gentleness will spill over into our dealings with others, and we will be gentle with them as well.

When we are gentle, we will find ourselves able to look at our emotional pain in a different light. We will be less inclined to blame ourselves or others, perhaps, because we are looking with eyes that are not as harsh.

Take some time today and reflect upon how you speak to yourself and others. Ask yourself if your words and actions are filled with gentleness. If they are not, then try to adopt that task for the day. I think you will find it easier to look at yourself when you are gentle.

Performing a self performance appraisal is nothing more than looking at yourself with new eyes and heart. It is more of what we discussed when we talked about honesty. It is the most important thing we must do in order to stay sober and to find inner peace.

Such is our topic-of-the-day as we continue to move through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. How do we do this? What are we looking to find? Our intention is to look at our behaviors and actions with others, as well as ways in which we treat and think about ourselves.

To do this, we start with a pad of paper and a pen/pencil, and we sit in a comfortable place, free of distractions. We begin with present day, or we start with our earliest memories. Either way, we slowly recall our interactions with others that were destructive and hurtful to them, and we write those down.

Then, we look at our positive interactions and write down our loving and kind actions. When this is complete, we do the same thing with ourselves, meaning, we look at ways in which we treated ourselves poorly and positively, again writing down what we discover. This is a lengthy process and often is done over a span of time.

Search of Self

Do not be discouraged with what you find. We all have our light and our dark side, our sunlight and our shadows. But we are looking for that shining knob, deep within, that is our inner-most self. It exists for all of us; it’s just a matter of finding it.

When we are done, we will have four lists – one each of our kind and loving thoughts and actions for ourselves and others, and one each of our unkind and negative treatment of ourselves and others.

With these, we take the list of negative actions toward others and we examine it. We determine to whom we owe an apology, and we set about doing just that. Furthermore, we vow to try and not repeat those behaviors which hurt others.

Then, we look at our list of the loving and kind things we have done for others, and then the same list for ourselves. We recognize in our heart the good side of ourselves, and we acknowledge that side.

Recognizing our positive side, we next look at the list of negative things we tell ourselves about ourselves, and we apologize to ourselves, again vowing to not repeat those behaviors in the future.

When we are done with this process, we have a clean slate, so-to-speak, from which to live. This process will help immensely in our efforts to stay sober and it will definitely pave the way for inner peace.

Now that we know how to complete a self performance appraisal, we do it on an ongoing basis, correcting our behaviors and thoughts when indicated. I hope you enjoy the newly-felt peace you feel when you have completed this!

Today’s topic as we continue through the book Opening the Gates of the Heart : A Journey of Healing is commitment to the journey.

Commitment of Journey

We see the stairs in the image, ascending, beckoning us to climb. The verse that accompanies this photograph is “Each step leads further in my journey, offering repeated opportunity to examine myself, my life – the leaves that have fallen, the leaves that will fall, and the buds yet to form.”

This portion of the verse suggests that we show commitment to the journey by continually looking at ourselves and our life, noting past and present circumstances and events, while remaining open to future situations that we can examine as they occur. 

We just notice; we do not judge. Instead, we assess our behavior and actions, our thoughts and beliefs. Are they kind and loving, compassionate and tolerant? We look with honesty and an open heart and mind, both of which we have previously elected to practice in order to keep us sober.

Then, we commit to the journey despite hard times that may come, for they shall come. That is just how life is. It presents us with difficulties from which we can learn and grow.

“Once begun, I commit to the climb, for despite rocky and smooth times that I will encounter, the journey’s reward is in each blossom and each leaf along the way.”

What do I mean by the second stanza of the verse, that the journey’s reward is in each blossom and leaf along the way? I mean that it is the simple things that occur in our lives that are the rewards as we travel through life. We will find great pleasure in noticing the blossoms and leaves as we journey.

There is no “destination,” no end point to which we travel, other than death. Rather, if we notice the small and simple things that occur in our lives on a continual basis, we will gain fulfillment. We just have to make a commitment to the journey.

How do you demonstrate commitment to the journey? Do you notice the leaves and blossoms along the way, or are you hurrying too fast, on your way to a destination that when you get there, leaves you feeling empty and incomplete? I would suggest you slow down and notice the little things that abound all around you. That will further your goal of reaching peace of mind. That will help to keep you sober. 

Key of Willingness

The power of willingness is quite strong. All it takes is enough willingness to open the door a little bit, so that the power of the Universe, our higher power, can go to work on our behalf.  It is the size of a keyhole, willingness is.

And what is our willingness for? About what are we showing willingness?

We are demonstrating willingness to be honest, to act with an open heart and mind. We need willingness to be humble, to act with courage. Willingness to examine our emotions and feelings can help us heal and find peace.

In sobriety, it is most crucial that we have willingness to believe in a power greater than ourselves. That power will help us out, will act on our behalf to keep us sober.

We have already demonstrated that we cannot will ourselves to stay sober; the force of wanting to drink is too strong for us alone. So, we invite in that sacred force to help us, to do things in our life that we have been unable to do.

How do we develop willingness? Well, we make our mind up to be willing. It’s just as simple as making up our mind to be so. Once we open that door a crack, it is flung wide by that power greater than ourselves. Or the door inches its way open. Either way, more willingness will develop from our meager attempts to be willing.

The bottom line is, it takes just a little willingness to get the ball rolling. So go ahead, be willing. See all the ways in which you can be willing in your life. I can almost guarantee you’ll be pleased with the results!

Good morning, and Happy New Year to you! I hope it holds all the wonder you wish for. Yesterday, I got totally immersed in a project and forgot to blog until evening. Oh, dear. Moving forward this morning, we will continue on through the book, discussing an approach to life which involves having an open heart and mind.

Openness of Heart

“We spend our lives behind the barriers of a closed gate, protected from the hurt and pain that might come to us.

“If we allow our hearts to open, we will see things in a different light.

“We will grow through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life.”

We start closed up, protecting ourselves and our heart. This is in response to being hurt before, so we have learned, right? Well, to maintain sobriety, we need to become open, to let love flow freely back and forth.

Not only do we want to open our heart, we want to open our mind to all that is being shown to us, to all that is coming our way. This paves the way to inner peace, which is our objective, our goal.

Often, we have contempt prior to investigation and this is what we want to do differently in sobriety. As sober people, we want to be open to new ideas, others’ thoughts, and what others have to say to us. We consider these things instead of scoffing. We look with wonder at what is being presented to us. This helps lead us to peace.

With our open mind, we clear our heart and consider things with a fresh approach, a fresh heart, one which sees things with awe and wonder. It is a decision we make, just a simple decision, and then we practice being open, both in mind and heart. The rewards of this decision are immense.

We look with honesty at our mind, our heart. Are we open to new ideas and thoughts that others present, or are we closed and have our mind made up before listening to another? Is our heart closed to protect us from hurt and pain? We consider opening it to allow feelings to flow freely in and out of our heart. When we do these two things, we pave the way for peace to come in.

May you  be graced with the ability to open your heart, your mind, and may some peace flow in.

If you didn’t get a chance to read Stan Stewart’s great guest posts, you may wish to take the opportunity to do so. Day one was about “Feelings Are Energy in Motion” and day two was “Shame and Humility.”  They are well worth reading.

As we move on through the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to honesty. I used to think I was an honest person; I didn’t steal from or cheat others. But in sobriety, I learned that honesty has to do with what I tell the world about myself, as well as how I treat others.

Welds of Honesty

“I look at the ways in which I treat myself and others. Can I allow myself and others to  see what I find, to see who I truly am?

“Perhaps, if I let go of the parts that do not serve me, I can weld my being with honesty. I can weld a secure and solid structure of great strength on which I can build my Self.”

That is the verse which accompanies this image. It suggests that we look at ourselves closely, examining how we treat others and ourselves, and we allow others to see what we find. In addition, we allow ourselves to see what we discover about us.

It also suggests that we become stronger when we drop those things about ourselves that are not honest, that do not serve us.

The part I’d like to note is how we allow the world to see who we are. We often hide that, hide behind a facade of politeness, or gruffness. This verse asks that we stop doing that, that we allow those around us to see ourselves as we truly are, with all our warts and beauty alike.

This can be very difficult, especially if we are trying to protect ourselves form hurt which we may have experienced in the past. We often feel vulnerable when we are honest about our feelings, our thoughts, and it IS a frightening place to be.

But with practice and venturing forth in sobriety, we learn to show more honesty about who we are at our deepest level. In this process, however, we use discernment about who is safe to say things to. For example, if we are around someone who is verbally abusive, bullying, intimidating, or belittling, it is not in our best interest to relay some of our thoughts. In these cases, we keep our thoughts to ourselves and we try to remove ourselves from this destructive situation.

Most people will receive what we have to say. It may be uncomfortable at first, but we keep practicing honesty with others about who we are.

We also look with honesty at how we treat others and we swallow our pride while we do this, as we may not treat them very well. But we need to look at this also, in order to develop honesty.

How do you practice honesty with yourself and others? Do you allow them to see the delightful parts of yourself. or do you remain closed, keeping that delightful being to yourself?

Welcome to my blog. Yesterday and today we welcome guest blogger Stan Stewart, who is talking about humility, the next topic in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. 

…continued from yesterday’s introduction…

Besides fear, for me the most immobilizing feeling is shame. At least it feels that way.

When I feel shame, my most common expression of it is to hang my head and do nothing. Well, “doing nothing” is relative. What I do is judge myself or distract myself internally — usually with numbness.

I’m sure that shame could have kept me from embarassment or worse when I was younger. Suffice it to say that as an adult, shame does me no good.

When I re-discovered humility in spiritual readings recently, I had an epiphany that being humble looked similar to shame in some ways — at least on the surface. Both are about how “OK” I think I am. The step to humility is about realizing that I don’t need to think of myself as great in order to be okay.

The major difference is that shame and blame are so often tied together. If I think I’m being blamed (or judged, questioned, etc.), I may respond by feeling shame. This means that there is an external connection that I’m making to the catalyst for the shame. Ironically, while thinking that I’m being blamed, I then blame that same source for shaming me. So shame is other directed.

Humility, on the other hand, has an internal source — and I’m thinking that “internal” can include self and divine influences. I am humble when I determine that I do not have to puff myself up in a situation or I am inspired (i.e., spirit has a hand in it) to address a situation with whatever I can bring to it, but without assuming that I am what the situation needs.

Said another way, when I come with attentive patience, I am humble.

My realization allowed me to see shame and humility as opposite sides of the same coin. When shame threatens to numb me out, I can invite humility as a spiritual practice to keep the questions internal, remove blame and accept responsibility. Time will tell how well I will be able to embrace this humble place.

May your shame be engulfed in humility in a way that comforts your inner child and welcomes the fullness of your adult to engage in the world.

*******************************************************************************************

Guest blogger, Stan Stewart, is a musician, teacher, and technologist. As a certified InterPlay leader and lover of improvised music, Stan teaches and seeks integration of the whole self — experiencing body/mind/spirit as a whole rather than split parts of self — in the present moment.

He says, “What is happening for all of me right now is what I have to work with. I do my best to seek the kind of awareness that will allow me to experience and use all that’s available to me in this moment; and that can inspire me creatively and in my service to the world.”

Carolyn and Stan met on Twitter and now take their connection to the blogosphere with this guest post.

Guest blogger, Stan Stewart, is a musician, teacher, and technologist. As a certified InterPlay leader and lover of improvised music, Stan teaches and seeks integration of the whole self — experiencing body/mind/spirit as a whole rather than split parts of self — in the present moment.

He says, “What is happening for all of me right now is what I have to work with. I do my best to seek the kind of awareness that will allow me to experience and use all that’s available to me in this moment; and that can inspire me creatively and in my service to the world.”

Carolyn and Stan met on Twitter and now take their connection to the blogosphere with this guest post.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about “translating fear into creative energy“. It probably would have been more precise to call it “translating fear energy into creativity”. In that post, I said that — for me — feelings are energy in motion. This energy can then be used/ translated/ transformed into either positive or negative output (behavior).

Carolyn kindly commented on that post and expressed concern that calling for transformation of the emotional energy could be seen as calling for getting over the feeling. I fully understood her concern, so I started to reflect more on how to allow the feelings to “be” while also not becoming stuck in them.

I would definitely say that feelings should not be ignored or denied. They should be felt and acknowledged. For me, transforming them is a way of being attentive to my feelings.

Since my knee-jerk reactions so often turn emotions into what I later would label negative behavior, I proposed a way to help produce a positive output instead. I’ve had some success with this method and that’s why I wanted to share it. I also prefer creative over destructive outcomes, so I shared it for that reason as well. Part of the backdrop of my post is that I have a judgment that I — like many creative people — can become stuck in fear — or other emotions, like shame — and that this stuckness is not the optimal place for creativity. Creative work requires movement.

…more tomorrow…

We have talked about emotions – facing and feeling them. It takes spaces of courage to face the demons those emotions present. We have also talked about belief in a power greater than ourselves that can help us dispel those demons. I would like to share the verse that accompanies the image for courage, as it speaks to both issues.

Spaces of Courage

“We all hold feelings, of hurt, disappointment, grief and despair deep within from which we desperately seek relief. We repress it, drink it away, or turn to another to make it right.

“Perhaps, rather than cast the paiin out of our heart or give it to another, it would be better to find the courage to touch that oh-so-vulnerable spot, to hold the pain tenderly, gently… with great compassion.

“If we find the courage to invite in a sacred force to embrace those deep wounds with us, perhaps we will be graced with the ability to befriend our pain and then, to heal.”

This verse was written verbatim when I was traveling in Baja in 2002. I was driving along, sobbing over an unrequited love, and pulled off to the side of the road to write this down. Years later, in 2005, I discovered this church and its gate. The words fit perfectly with the image.

In those intervening years, I had gained the courage to face my emotions, the deep and horrible hurt that I experienced. And although they didn’t resolve right away, I asked for help from the powers of the Universe to help me get through the hurt. Eventually, I was healed from the hurts and was able to move forward. That took courage, which I got from that power greater than me.

We can find the courage to examine our inner-most emotional pain by asking for help from the Universe, God, or whatever we call the power greater than us. In this example, that power led me through the healing needed to cleanse my heart of the wounds it housed.

They say courage is moving forward in the face of fear. I have found that to be true in sobriety. In those situations where I am fearful and move forward anyway, I always ask for and receive help from my higher power. The result of finding the courage to face my emotions has paid off big time, as I have healed most all of my wounds at a deep level, leaving feelings of joy and peace.

You, too, can find the courage to face your emotional wounds and heal from them, rather than repressing your emotions, drinking them away, or turning to another to make them right. Try following what is described in the verse above, and see if it helps. I wish you well in that endeavor.

Tomorrow I welcome guest blogger Stan Stewart, who will present a two-part blog about humility, the next topic in the book. Please join me in welcoming Stan!

Shadows of Doubt

“I am mired again in the shadows of my doubt, my fear. I circle and circle and circle around the stones of my heart, caged, unable to pass through to the place where my heart is bathed in light.”

Today, we are dealing with doubt. Specifically for me, it was the doubt of a power greater than myself, doubt in the existence of God. Yesterday, we talked about belief in a higher power when we talked about trust. But our discussion can relate to doubt of anything.

For example, perhaps you doubt that sobriety is the route for you to take. You are the only one that can make that decision. If you doubt that you need to quit drinking, look at how it’s affecting your life.

Maybe you are functional, and still able to work, able to function in life. If that’s the case, then look at your private life for signs that alcohol is not working for you and, in fact, is causing strife in personal relationships or in your emotional life.

It is tempting to say, “That relationship is bad because they did this or that, they are this or that…” If that’s your excuse, it’s time to fetch yourself up and look at your own behavior. Do you drink and then have experiences which lead to another doing this or that? Perhaps they are reacting to you in your drinking mode. Look at it honestly. We’ll discuss honesty in more detail tomorrow.

Meanwhile, if you have doubts that sobriety is for you, let me just say that most of us who have gotten sober were so beaten down that sobriety was the only answer. In other words, those of us who have gotten sober had no doubt that sobriety was needed because we’d lost everything. Perhaps, if you look at it closely, you can elect to get sober without having to lose everything in your life. 

When doubt arises, allow it to become conscious, and look at it as objectively as possible. Realize that it is normal human behavior. But keep your eye on the light beyond the gate, where the stones are bathed in light. Look at the part of your heart and soul where shadows lurk.

Make the determination that you don’t wish to live in the shadows, and pass through to the side of light. Perhaps, you notice your shadows in your heart, your spirit, your soul. There is a way out of that. It’s called sobriety. After a few years of being sober, I was able to dispel the shadows in my heart, spirit and soul because I had healed emotionally. That healing was a direct result of becoming and staying sober.

You, too, can heal your emotional wounds, your personal relationships, and live in the light. The choice is yours. I wish you well in that decision.

Offer of Trust

Today we shall talk about trust in a power greater than yourself. Believing in this is crucial to getting and staying sober, because we proved to ourselves that we couldn’t stay sober on our own, under our own will power.

Some of you may have a belief in such a power, call it the Universe, God, Buddha, etc. Some of you may have had this belief from childhood, and some of you may be angry at that higher power because it let you down, and so you don’t believe.

When I came to sobriety, I had just read the book Conversations With God. From that, I developed the belief that it was possible there was a God and I looked at everything as having God in it. That helped me get sober.

As I developed further sobriety, however, that belief became very difficult and, in fact, disappeared. I felt I could trust God so far, and then I had to watch my own back. So, I had no faith that He would watch over me and protect me.

Then a dear friend and spiritual advisor suggested that I pay attention to the little things in my life that were turning out well, things that I did not try to accomplish. She said to notice things that fell into play with little or no effort. She said that was God working in my life.

So, I started noticing and soon I realized there was time after time that my life was being moved forward with little or no effort on my part. Things just seemed to appear when I most needed them. Slowly, I began to believe that could be God.

By doing this over time, I developed the belief that God is, in fact, watching my back, that God is present in my life. I was able to relax, and that feeling was freeing and peaceful.

It matters not what the power greater than yourself is, it just matters that you have something that you trust is guiding you and your life. This power will help keep you sober when you are struggling to do so on your own. It will help you with healing emotional pain.

All you have to do is trust. Try to let go of preconceived beliefs if they are not working for you, and watch the little things in your life that fall into place easily. Believe that is your higher power, working on your behalf. Before you know it, you will have developed trust.   

Today we’re going to talk about awareness of all that is wondrous around and within you. I call it a birth of awareness, because it happens over time and it can be painful, yet, the result is beautiful and well worth it.

Birth of Awareness

The first step toward developing awareness is to acknowledge our feelings, which includes, but is not limited to, hurt, anger, sorrow, and sadness. Then we make the decision to turn our attention to the lushness beyond the gates of our heart.

It usually follows that we begin to notice our surroundings first – the beauty of the simple things right in front of us. We focus on the beauty we find, keenly developing awareness of more and more that exists in our world.

Once we notice our surroundings, we are more able to go inside and notice bits and pieces of ourselves that are beautiful also. We take note of those, ever-expanding the discovery of ourselves.

This awareness that we develop is always growing. Once we begin to take note of the simple things around and within us, we cannot help but become even more aware as time goes on. We recognize the depth of all that exists in our world.

As we become more sober and the fog begins to lift, we begin to wonder about the origin of it all. Call it the Universe, or God, or Buddha, we begin to wonder if there is a power greater than ourselves that is behind all that we behold.

So, our developing awareness expands to include that which is bigger than us. This is a crucial step in getting and remaining sober. We have proven to ourselves that we cannot get and stay sober through our will power, and we have come to the realization that we are powerless about dealing with our addiction.

We gingerly become more and more aware of this greater power in our lives. We hold it up for inspection and we examine it logically, but there is no logic which can explain all that we are discovering. It just “is.”  This fact makes it even more awesome.

Now that we are developing awareness around and within us, life takes on new meaning. We want to remain sober to continue experiencing the awe and wonder we feel.  Do you feel it? Do you experience that awe and wonder? If you do, then you are on your way to experiencing a birth of awareness.

Today let’s talk about the gift that we receive when we give up, when we surrender. This is the next topic in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

Surrender of Pretense

“I put on a courageous face and move bravely forward, but I feel lost and displaced. My heart, dies, one piece at a time behind a gate that rusts away.”  Such is the beginning of the verse that accompanies this photo.

We get to a point where we are no longer able to maintain the pretense that all is fine behind our gate of false bravado and politeness. In essence, we need to give up, to surrender. 

What we are trying to do, remember, is to find inner peace. We are trying to remain sober amid all the pain and hurt we feel.

The thought of giving up trying to juggle all the “balls” in our life is terrifying, I will admit. What will become of us if we just let go, if we give up? 

In my case, it led to sobriety. I was so beaten down emotionally that I could not function – could not feed myself, lost touch with reality. All I could do was drink and cry.

I remember one night feeling especially bereft, and I turned my face to the sky, begging that power some call God to help me. The next thing I knew, I was headed  from the Bay Area to San Diego to become sober with a friend.

I had given up. I could no longer keep that front up that I was fine because I was definitely not fine. I had severe emotional problems and my drinking was out of control. The rejection by the man I deeply loved was the catalyst for all sorts of past hurts and pains to come to the surface. Now I know they were rearing their ugly head for me to look at and to heal.

It is not pleasant to have to face our demons. We especially do not want to let go of the one thing that has been our friend, helping to numb out the pain of old wounds – alcohol. Even if you are not consciously aware of drinking to numb out, if you’re having problems because of your drinking, chances are that you are numbing out old hurts or things you have experienced that are just too painful to face.

My fear of letting go and surrendering was that I would find I was nothing, that what I had been told all my life was true – I was worthless and no good.  What I found instead was a community of people, all trying to get sober, who welcomed me with open arms. 

“Won’t I lose control if I let go?” you may ask. If we surrender, we will find that we are caught in the arms of those who have experienced similar things to what we have experienced, and we find support and solace from them.

It is safe to let go, to surrender. It is a necessary step on the way to finding inner peace. 

Good morning. Today I will deal with getting past sorrow and despair. In the book, they are separate topics, yet, today I am combining them as they often go hand-in-hand.

Face of Despair

Sorrow is defined by Webster as a mental suffering or anguish caused by loss, disappointment, or regret. It can include grief, which is a more intense anguish related to a specific misfortune or disaster.

When experiencing sorrow and/or grief, one’s thoughts can get to those of despair, defined as being without hope, being hopeless. All of these emotions are quite debilitating and, in my case, were accompanied by depression.

Sorrow and despair left me with no will to live and, in fact, I was praying to God to let me die, as I felt there was no purpose to the pain I had endured during my life-time, that my experiences were just a torment to me.

When one feels these emotions, it is a common tendency to want to numb the feelings by drinking, eating, shopping, or various other activities that we do obsessively. This only enhances the sorrow and despair.

In my case, I felt the sorrow and despair into my sobriety, up until I was about five years sober. At that point, I had an experience that dispelled both of these emotions. I had the opportunity to discover my purpose in life, and I felt needed, valued, and  that my experiences were valuable to others.

Quite by accident, I realized I could help others by relaying my story. Suddenly, my life had meaning and purpose. I no longer felt that deep hopelessness that is characteristic of despair. I no longer felt sorrow and grief over my life.

I was not able to do this alone. I sought counseling, took medication for my depression, and joined a support group to deal with my drinking issues. Then I set about the arduous and scary task of looking at my emotions and dealing with them. I started to take responsibility for my healing.

If you are feeling sorrow and grief from a loss of something or someone in your life, know that there are stages you will go through before you gain peace. Allow those stages occur; don’t fight them. Know that you are working your way to eventual peace.

It may be frightening for you to face your emotions; be gentle with yourself as you look. Most importantly, get help. Talk to someone – a trusted friend, clergy, a therapist.

As you deal with your sorrow and it lessens, despair will also diminish. Most of all, stick with it through the tough times, for your life has value to others in your world. We each have value in one way or another. It is up to you to discover what your value is. This will happen naturally as a result of dealing with these difficult emotions.

I wish you well as you deal with getting past sorrow and despair. Remember that your life has value. Know that eventually you will get to the bottom of your emotions and life will begin to turn around. Commit to yourself to stick with it, and ask for help from others and the divine forces of the Universe. Remember, you are working toward finding inner peace. 

We move through the book to the second topic – feelings of worthlessness. Webster defines it as to be without worth or merit, useless, of no value.

To have worth, it is your quality that lends importance, value, and merit. It is measured by the esteem in which you are held by others.

Corner of Worthlessness

Feeling worthless is not a comfortable place to be. When I used to feel that way, I felt like a pile of rubbish in a corner… a heap of debris.

Why do we feel worthless? It comes from being told so or shown we are not valued. In my case, I was repeatedly told I was not worth anything, so I began to believe that.

Perhaps the actions of someone in your life translate to you that you are not valued, have no merit. As much as is possible, do not let their actions get you down.

It is hard to get past feelings of worthlessness, yet, it is possible. One way is to do esteem-able acts. Do something nice for someone else. Not only do they appreciate it, but you will feel self-worth for your actions. Keep doing that, over and over. 

Reflect on how you came to feel worthless in the first place. If it was because of being told that, then consider the source and what they were experiencing.

For example, I realized that I did the very same thing to my boy friends that was done to me. I used to get drunk and scream at them that they were worthless. When I remembered that in sobriety, I was horrified! I realized I was saying it because I felt that way about myself.

Hmmm. Perhaps the person that told me I was worthless said that to me because they actually felt it about themselves. That was the corner I turned to start to come out of feeling worthless. Still, though, it is one thing to wrap your mind around a “cure” and another to get your heart and soul in alignment with what your mind is telling you.

What really cinched it for me was the discovery of my purpose in life, or what I consider to be my purpose. Once I figured that out, I felt worthwhile, I felt I had something of value  to give others, and my feelings of worthlessness dissipated. Very occasionally, I go to that place when things are discouraging for me, yet I don’t stay long in that space because I remind myself of my purpose and why I’m here.

I hope that you, too, can conquer these feelings of worthlessness. Maybe the examples of how I recovered from feelings of worthlessness will help you.

It is not necessary to feel them and the fact is, we are each valuable and worthy in our own way. Believe that for it is a Truth. Each of us has a unique gift to give the world. It is just a matter of finding it. I wish you well.

To continue… For those of you new to the blog, here’s what’s happening. I am talking about each topic in the book I wrote called Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. I talk about the topics in sequence of their order in the book; there are forty-two topics.

Webs of Fear

I am then taking each topic and discussing it in relation to living in sobriety. Today, it is a continuation of Dealing With Fear In Sobriety. I hope what I write has merit to you non-problem drinkers.

There is another way to deal with FEAR other than what has been discussed, and it is “Screw” (you get the idea) Everything And Run. This is the method I most practiced when I was drinking.

Actually, my whole life I’ve been practicing this, keeping myself quiet so I wasn’t noticed. Not wanting to start controversy. Keeping the feelings of hurt and pain at bay. It was my method of dealing with the pain and hurt I felt in my soul. I was miserable deep inside.

But I’m not like that now. Now, my heart and soul are filled with light. I owe it to becoming sober, to all that have helped me throughout my recovery, to some force greater than me. The thing is, I did not do it alone.

There is help out there for those of us who are avoiding things and running, and drinking heavily over it. Even if you have not developed a drinking problem, help is available if you have difficulty with running from your emotions and it has led to misery. Others have been there, too. We know what it’s like. You are not alone.

Look at the ways in which we drink or shop or eat, for example, to avoid and numb things. With drinking, we call it partying, being social, but when it reaches the proportion of having repeated hangovers, for example, it’s a warning sign, perhaps, that the alcohol is ruling your life too much. You are consuming more than your body can tolerate. Take heed from one who lived like that for twenty-seven of her forty-eight years… it’s not necessary to be miserable in life. It starts with dealing with fear in sobriety.

FEAR has also been called an acronym for “Face Everything And Recover.” Once we look at the fear we have and examine what’s behind it, we can move forward. With the light of day shined on it, the fear seems to lessen. This is called recovery. If we deal with our fear in sobriety, we begin to feel some peace. 

Tomorrow, the topic is worthlessness. I invite you to join me.

As an addition to yesterday’s post, I’d like to point out that me worrying about whether you would find me stupid for what I blogged was worrying about the future. I didn’t have my mind on the present. That takes practice, remembering to be in the moment, yet it’s an excellent tool for dealing with our fear in sobriety, and ultimately brings us much peace and serenity.

Back to the continuation of yesterday’s topic, the old hurts and wounds behind why being called stupid bothers me… It’s based upon repeatedly being called stupid about everything I did and thought. It was the past, will not change, and was not the truth. I tell myself these things. So do I need to say “get over it and move on?” There are many who say just that.

I am not one of them because that didn’t work for me. That is what I drank heavily over – to hide the feelings associated with the hurts. I believe we do disservice to one who is struggling emotionally and is stuck, repeating the same thing again and again, when we say “get over it and move on.” It does not acknowledge their pain, their grief, and they feel alone in the world in their misery with no hope for improvement.

On the other hand, it gets difficult to listen to over and over again over a long period of time, when we have seen no action taken on the part of that person to deal with their pain. Maybe they are drinking heavily, and we’re focused on that.

The thing is, I think we can gently acknowledge the suffering person’s pain by saying we know it exists and it is valid. And now it’s time to look forward, we gently say. We then can encourage any action they take to get past their pain, however small.

This is especially true for somone who has elected to get sober, as that is the beginning of being responsible for their wound healing, even though they will probably be totally unaware of that.

So, pardon the digression, but I wanted to say that… Back to the issue of the wound’s origin. I need to look at the situation from a different angle, with the new eyes of a 59 year old sober woman instead of a 10 year old scared child. When I do that, I realize something important. It was said by a man whose view of the world was narrow. I think about this a long while, and I feel it in my heart, my soul.

I discover I can, and do, have compassion and sadness for that man, because he misses out on so much. I have been graced with that compassion, and, over time, it has led me to forgiveness.

The thing is, I got to this place of acceptance, peace, compassion, and forgiveness by getting and staying sober. We saw an example of growth in sobriety by dealing with false evidence appearing real, and now we see another way of dealing with fear in sobriety, looking at the old story with new eyes, the eyes of the heart.

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to choose the other way, the new way, because that brings me serenity, that brings me peace.

Tomorrow, another way of dealing with fear in sobriety.

Here I sit with the topics in the book over, and I am undecided. Do I restart the book right away? That would mean we’d start with fear, and then four difficult emotions and I’m not sure I want to do downer topics before the pulling-yourself-out-of-it topics begin.

Yet again, there may be those who are feeling those emotions in the holiday season  It might be helpful for them to read something about fear, worthlessness, sorrow, and despair.

If I don’t restart the book during the rest of the season, I am in a quandary, for I have no clue what I’d write about. I smile as I say this, because I recognize I have relied upon the book to give me my topics, and my images. Not that that’s a bad thing…

After all, I am writing about the book to convey the journey, the process, in the hopes that it will be useful to us and help bring us to peace.

And as I sit here thinking, my mind wanders to the fact that I am fearful to stray from the book’s topics. You may find what I say stupid, after all, like I have no clue what I’m talking about. Hmmm. The book seems to have started itself on its own accord, so I’m going to follow this thought process of dealing with fear in sobriety. Even those of you not in recovery may find this interesting.

Feeling stupid is something with which I have struggled my entire life, and continue to do so. I try to catch myself when I’m beginning to feel stupid and change my thought pattern. But I still go there initially… As far as not knowing what I’m talking about, I remind myself that all I can do is relay my experiences and general observations about life. It is then up to you to determine what you think or feel about what I have to say.

The thing is, what you think about me is none of my business, as long as I am honest and kind in what I say. And, you might not even have been thinking I was stupid, or that I don’t know what I’m talking about. So, I broke my serenity and peace based upon information that is only my speculation, and that speculation is based on old stories, old experiences.

Hmmm. Let’s look at that. First of all, with the first issue of you thinking me stupid, aren’t I buying into False Evidence Appearing Real? FEAR? As a matter of fact, I am. I can now chuckle at myself. “Ah, Jones. Caught again…” lol Suddenly the fear dispels as I realize I got tripped up in fear – again – about nothing that has happened and most likely won’t.

But what about the old stories upon which this feeling of being stupid is based? Join me tomorrow for more about this and dealing with fear in sobriety.

A Promise of Peace brings us to the conclusion of the book. And I quietly wonder if you have found inner peace, any at all, by going through the book with me this last 42 or so days. I really hope you have…

Promise of Peace

Peace. How do you know peace when it finds you? For me, it is the all-inclusion of everything we have been talking about into my senses, seeing with the eyes of my heart, and feeling a great deal of love for all beings on this Earth.

It is promised to us, if we go through the process that is defined in my book, because in doing so, we learn to love deeply. There is no desire to be in conflict with others.  When really in-tune, that includes inner conflict as well.

Does that mean we go through life in this glow? Hardly. That doesn’t happen because we’re human beings and, as such, are a caring and feeling species. Given the ever-constant changes in our lives from day-to-day, and the fact that we react with feelings and emotions, we slip temporarily from that space of centeredness and peace. 

So, what is there to do when this happens? Lament the loss of our peaceful existence. even if it was only for five minutes? No, we merely start in by looking at the situation, feeling our feelings, examining our response to situations that have arisen.

Case in point, I am in the middle of something which has the potential to affect how I conduct my life in the future, and I was stunned to realize I was playing the victim role! Wow! I thought I was past that, but it showed up very subtly. So, I am in the process of doing more self-appraising to see what is going on with me that puts me in that mindset.

At the same time, I am feeding myself positive affirmations. These tasks equate to ” taking action,” as we discussed in previous posts. Slowly, I am becoming able to see glimpses of my terror over how this new information could affect my future. How much will I get out from behind that terror to affect my own future? That is the key.

We can affect our own future by the actions we take today, in this moment. What do we do with the fear? We can recognize and feel it, acknowledge that it exists,  then walk away from it and take action, and, as needed, allow a glimpse of it again later.

We repeat this again and again until our fear subsides. I believe these issues get raised for us, so that we can take a look at core beliefs, and to heal from the destructive ones. While we do this, we remember to be gentle, kind, and tolerant with ourselves and the others around us.  And the result is, we find our center again. We find that peace again.

We even can go to it among the turmoil by distracting ourselves with a favored and cherished activity, one in which you get lost. Your peace will return as a reprieve for what you will again visit to sort out. That’s how it works for me. Maybe it will work for you, too.

Balance of Serenity

“I am serene, carried by the winds to places where I am help in balance with great beauty and strength.”

This is how it feels when I am experiencing serenity. It feels very balanced, and I feel beauty and strength both within and without.

The act of being serene is how Webster defines serenity. And serene is defined as not disturbed or troubled, calm, peaceful, tranquil. Do you feel that in your life?

It seems when I am living my life and not forcing it to go anywhere, but merely taking action on the things that have been put right in front of me to do, my life is in balance. It’s like the spires, wrought-iron piece, and the tree branches which are all in balance in the photograph above.

And it’s an incredible gift I am given, that of serenity. For it allows me to go through the day without “wigging out,” which is my tendency, and instead, calmly approaching the tasks of the day.

The gift is as a result of my sobriety, which led to my ability to heal. I went through the process that is described in the book and of which I have been blogging.

Sobriety is a process at which I worked hard, and now I am gifted to be to reaping the reward. Living with serenity allows me to experience calamity and meet it with calm. I’m sort of dealing with a calamity now, actually. Being serene is allowing me to think of all the possible results that could happen, and deciding what my next step is to be, where I will take action and how I will be be responsible for myself.

I couldn’t go through this thought process when I was drinking. I just got angry and withdrew in face of the fear of saying something, or doing something. When I met a calamity, I was filled with inner, and outer, turmoil. 

I cannot express to you how nice the change is. All I can say is it’s due to my sobriety and the process through which I went. I thank you for allowiing me to share that process with you through this blog.

Are you living with serenity in your life? Could you follow the process that I’ve been discussing and make some changes within yourself?

Good morning. We have gotten to the place in the book where we can talk about how to joyfully live your life. Let’s define what joy is first, though.

Burst of Joy

Joy is a very glad feeling, a delight, a great pleasure. In my experience, it bursts on the inside and begs to be shown on the outside. It makes you want to rejoice, to sing out. It brings a smile to your face, and peace to your heart.

So, how do you joyfully live your life? Well, it goes back to the beginning of the book. It all starts with looking at your emotions, such as fear, worthlessness, grief, despair, and acknowledging they exist, letting yourself feel the hurt, the pain.

Then you gain courage to trust in a force greater than yourself to feel those wounds with you, and you ask for relief from them.

You make the commitment to take the journey to wholeness, to peace, and to stick with it through the hard times you will encounter. Once you do, it is time to do a self-assessment of your behaviors and actions toward others.

Don’t forget to include your positive actions, and look at yourself in all of this, too. I mean, assess how you behave to yourself, how you treat yourself.

This is an important part of the journey, this self-assessment. It lays the foundation for you to live joyfully. Try to look at your behaviors and actions without remorse, without beating yourself up.

If you don’t like what you see, ask for help to make changes from the force in your life that is bigger than you. Apologize to those whom you have hurt, including yourself.

Through this process, treat yourself with kindness, gentleness, and compassion, and treat others with these, as well. Accept yourself as the person you are, with all of your flaws, all of your humanness, and all of your goodness.

Respect others and yourself, and show both of you tolerance. Recognize the choices you have and are making in your life, and then make decisions that move you forward, toward your dreams.

Try these things, all the things we have talked about throughout the tour of the book, and see if you are joyfully living your life. Then, let us know how that feels for you by leaving a comment.

Fulfillment of Dreams

“I am waking up from a lifetime of sleeping and am just beginning to learn to play, to fill my sails and dance across the shimmering waters. I am fulfilling dreams I have held in my heart forever that I did not know and, so, could not follow.”

The topic today is all about fulfilling your dreams. Are you fulfilling yours? Or have you brushed it aside as unattainable? Perhaps it’s time to reconstruct that dream  in your heart, pull it out, look at it.

Or, perhaps you don’t have one or you are already fulfilling your dreams. Kudos to you; you won’t feel that lack of something in your life, an unmet desire that tugs at your heart.

But if you do have that pulling, that desire to try something you’ve always wanted to do, now may be the time.

First, define what your dream is. Just hold that thought, that desire, in your heart. Next, start noticing the things that occur in your life that present themselves to you, which you can act upon, and which are in line, in tune, with your dream.

Take action on one small thing that presents itself. If you are having difficulty doing that, look inside and see what is preventing you from doing this. Is it fear? Doubt about your abilities? Don’t have the funds?

If you hold that dream gently in your heart, and set the intention to follow it, something will appear that gets you closer to your destination. It may take time – a short amount or years. Just start noticing opportunities that present themselves to you and take action on them when they arise.

Keep doing this; wherever you are being led, follow. One day, you will see that you are fulfilling your dreams. Don’t push. Let things flow naturally, gracefully. But keep taking action, keep doing your part.

May what you hold in your heart awaken and take life. Tell us about how that happened for you. Leave a comment about how things just happened in your life that got you to the point of fulfilling your dreams.

It is great fun for me to blog every day, turning the page in the book to see what today’s topic is, thinking about what I want to say and how to say it. I hope you are enjoying the daily blogs, too. I am late today and disappointed that I am…

Today we’re talking about choices. You have choices in your life about everything you do. I didn’t believe that when I began my healing journey, my journey into sobriety.

Celebration of Choices

In fact, I was a mess with emotion, and saw no way out of the emotional snare, and couldn’t fake that everything was fine. Couldn’t “grin and bear it,” nor “get on with it,” like everyone was saying to me. But I knew if I did that, it would be just like numbing the feelings with alcohol and I trying to quit; I did not heed their advice. So, I felt I had no choice but to be in an emotional snarl.

To digress a minute… I think when we say those things – grin and bear it, get on with it – to someone trying to get through emotional turmoil, it does not have the interest of the person at heart; it does a disservice to that person. If they could get on with it, they would! There is something holding them back.

Maybe it’s simply that they don’t know any other way to be, don’t know that another way exists. Maybe they’re in the process of getting on with it, and need to go through the turmoil to reach the other side.

I believe there is danger in saying grin and bear it and get on with it, even if we say it to ourselves – ESPECIALLY if we say it to ourselves. Doing so requires that we repress our emotions, our feelings. In so doing, our hurts turn into angers and resentments; among other things, we excessively drink away our sorrows.

Then one day, we explode and a child or wife is battered, someone is killed or hurt in some way, physically and always emotionally…  But we have choice in this whole process. 

So, back to what I was saying about being stuck in the turmoil and thinking I had no choice in the matter, when, in fact, I did. Rather than stay in the victim role, blaming others, I had the choice to take responsibility for my healing and my life to avoid going to that place of “losing it.” 

What do I mean by having choice? I mean, we do whatever it takes to look at our wounds that are making us unhappy, and move ourselves forward. We go to support groups for substance abuse, we get counseling, perhaps medication for emotional problems identified, we read books that discuss the specific topic that is our issue.

We engage in identifying our feelings by journalling, we take brisk walks a couple times a day. These are all things we can do when we decide to choose something different for ourselves. The list goes on…

The point here is the choice. I didn’t know it at the time, but my decision to get sober was my exercising of choice. It was the first step in taking responsibility for my healing. It was a choice I made with far wider-reaching healing than I ever could have imagined.

You, too, have choice over everything you do. Look gently at yours. Are you happy with them?

Today’s topic is about climbing the stairs in your life and when you do, anything is possible. Anything.

Realm of Possibilities

As long as I take action upon the things which come across my path, I can keep climbing the stairs. Certainly, there is discernment on your part about what you will act upon. But I mean acting upon what is appropriate and moves you forward in your life to help you create and live your dream.

This is as opposed to sitting around, grumbling about your dreams galore, or maybe just one, and not doing anything to help the Universe bring it to you. I used to do that and I’d drink about the fact that none of my dreams ever came true. I told myself I could never do this, that, or the other thing. And then I drank more because I felt sorry for myself.

I discovered a reality when I got sober, and that is that I CAN make a difference in my own success, having my dreams come true. I just didn’t know when or how the dreams would appear in my life, nor what the steps would look like to take me there. The bottom line is that I can help to create my future by the actions I take today.

I held in my heart from a young age, for example, the desire to be a photographer. When I became an adult and discovered alcohol, I fueled the belief that I wasn’t good enough. I allowed my lack of self-confidence and doubt to dictate my actions. In this case, my action was to drink over my sorrow for never having my dreams come true, to drink over the fear I felt, the low self-esteem. I avoided looking at those deep wounds and numbed them out.

Then I became sober and opportunities began to present themselves that moved my dream forward. First, I took a road trip from San Diego into Baja, Mexico, and discovered a zillion things to photograph, which I did. Opportunity one, and see how I took action?

Opportunity two came six months later when I was living in Colorado with old and dear friends, and I took my first-ever photo classes. Plus, I hired the instructor to critique all the photos I had taken in Mexico, so I got feedback about my work. Again, an opportunity and I took action. 

Later, I was living again in the San Francisco Bay Area and got retrained by worker’s compensation as a result of a previous work injury. They allowed me to go into business as a fine art photographer, selling my images. Ah, I was living my dream.

Then, darned if the photographs I took of wrought-iron gates didn’t match up with some of the prose I’d been writing in my journals! And a book came to be, my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

So, my dream to be a photographer changed directions, and all I did was take action on what was presented in my life. You, too, have a shot at creating your dreams. Just climb those steps of self-awareness and self-responsibility that have been blogged about on this site, and take action when opportunity presents itself.

Continue to hold that dream in your heart and one day, when you’re not looking, it may just make itself real in your life.

Visions of Gratitude

“When seen with eyes and heart that appreciate, everything around and within me becomes more pleasing, more beautiful.”

And there is the inspirational quote on gratitude. It is the verse from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, through which we are working our way.

We are nearing the end of the book, and as such, are tapping into the rich and positive emotions which I felt, once I experienced all the things I have experienced since adopting a life of awareness. These awarenesses are what I have been sharing with you as tropics in the book, which, when followed, led me to peace.

And, today we come to such a valuable and powerful tool, the use of gratitude. The gift of gratitude, for it truly is a gift.

I didn’t used to like the term gratitude. Oh, no, I did not! It was as simple as, I couldn’t feel grateful for old wounds, and wallowing, grief-struck, in those wounds was where I lived. I had not healed enough.

I went through my struggles with learning to be greteful. I finally resorted to making a list every day of 10 things for which I was grateful. That began to build my ability to feel appreciation.

Today, I am grateful about everything. It is a stark and striking contrast, just like the image, and one which I adore having in my life.

How do you develop gratitude if you have not or do not experience it? Just as the verse says, start by looking at things with appreciation. Like, how about hot running water? If you’ve lived on the road as I have, where you didn’t have hot running water, having it would become something you would cherish, every time you used it. Cherishing circumstances and abilities is a form of expressing gratitude.  

Even if you’ve never lived without it, think about how much more difficult life would be if you didn’t have hot running water. Electricity is the same. Look at the small, everyday things in your life and appreciate them, realizing that you are expressing gratitude. 

Now, look at all your physical capabilities and be appreciative of them. Notice when you awaken, the myriad of colors you can see, and sounds you can hear. Marvel at that, and realize you’re practicing gratitude. Take that same appreciation with you throughout the day and marvel about your capabilities. That’s gratitude.

Finally, look at the experiences you have had in your life, and appreciate that you had them because, without them, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. You wouldn’t have a story to tell that can help just one other person get through what you went through, or are going through. If you help but one person by sharing your story, you have fulfilled a purpose in your life. 

Being grateful is an offshoot of being healed, but you can feel gratitude even if you’re struggling. In fact, gratitude is an especially good tool to use when in that space. Just keep noticing and listing everything you appreciate, and just hang in there; it gets better.

You know, it’s a wonderful thing to feel appreciation and gratitude for the world around you; I want you to feel it, too. So go about your day, looking at, resolving to look at, each and every thing that you appreciate. Let us know what you find. 

To live with wonder in your life is to be filled with awe at the simple things around you. All you have to do is slow down and notice…

Moments of Wonder

The verse asks the question if there has always been such richness, such beauty in the world. “Perhaps, it has been there all along, waiting to be noticed, to be seen with the eyes of the heart.”

The story behind this photo explains quite well the concept of noticing things around you. I took this picture in February or March of 2004, I never noticed the star, not for months.

Then, in November of that year, when I was titling all my photos, I had them lined up around the room. I was standing across the room when I noticed the star in this image.

In that moment, I was filled with wonder and awe at that star which appeared out of nowhere! Hence, the title Moments of Wonder. More to the point was that I slowed down enough to notice the star.

We tend to race around in life, ever faster and faster, trying to keep up. In that process, we miss the little things all around us; we just don’t have the time to notice them. That was me, at any rate.

I believe that when we slow down and notice the little things in our lives, we will be fulfilled, and we will begin to know more peace.

It can be as simple as noticing the beautiful, long shadows on the sidewalk that appear in the late afternoon, or the baby tears that are growing among the rocks in your yard. It can be seeing the delight on the face of a child, eager to learn, to see, and to grow.

Opportunities are all around you; there are a million things to see right within your own home. I invite you to look with eyes of newness at the simplest things and marvel over them – their presence, how their existence simplifies your life, their beauty. 

Notice the small things. What happens to your perspective when you do that? Are you filled with a sense of wonder, a sense of awe? Leave us a comment and let us know what you see that brings wonder to you.

Path of Acceptance

“When we become entwined with our path, the steps become as soft as velvet, and the ascent flows smoothly.” Ah, the result of accepting what is… a life that flows.

I used to think that accepting what is was giving up, failing, a resignation, defeat, and I would walk away from letting things be with shame.

Then at some point, I began to realize the difference between acceptance of life as it was, and giving up or letting go with shame and defeat. Letting go in acceptance can be a pleasant feeling.

Acceptance is a place you can get to by saying to yourself that you have done all you can do in any given situation, and now it is time to let the powers that be do the work, let flow the results. You can let go with grace.

Acceptance does have a component of action to it, because if there is something which can be done in a situation, you must take that action. Then, leave the outcome alone and don’t try to force it.

When the outcome is known, understand that this is how things are and there is nothing more you can do to change the situation. Humbly accept that this is how things are going to be, and go on about your day without regrets.

When you can do this, and not feel defeated, there is a great deal of peace to be gained, as you are not expending your energy trying to change everything to your liking. You just trust and believe that things are working out as they are intended to be, even if you don’t see the reason right now.

Accepting what is does not mean you have to like what is happening; you just admit that that’s how things are going right now. Then, you pay attention to whether or not some action is required on your part and you take that action.

How are you at accepting what is? Do you push against what is happening, such that you are uncomfortable? How do you reach acceptance? Leave a comment and let us know…

The next topic in the book Opening the Gates of the Heart : A Journey of Healing is living in harmony within ourselves. It raises the issue of stillness, connecting to the ramblings of our mind and to the world around us.

Shades of Harmony

“When are we just still? When do we simply rest, quietly connecting with ourselves and all that is vast and wondrous around and within us?”

In order for us to touch ourselves and others in quiet, kind, and harmonious ways, do we not need to be still with ourselves from time-to-time?

Yet, there does not seem to be time when we are just quiet and still. Life is whizzing by at breakneck speed and we are running right along side of it, sometimes frantic just to keep up. 

We have our radios and TVs turned on, always and forever making noise around us. How can we think and quiet our mind when there is so much noise? How do you think with all the distraction around you?

Without the distraction, we end up facing ourselves and perhaps that is a difficult place to go or to be for some. We might see our unhappiness, our pain. On the other hand, we can see our delight, our happiness.

Once we tap into our quietness, our inner harmony, then we can take that space we have created and project it into the world. We can take our inner harmony and shine it on the people in our world.

The end result is more peace – peace within and peace without. And isn’t that a most pleasent place to be?

So, give yourself a treat today. Spend just 5 minutes to start living in harmony with yourself, being in a quiet surrounding, tapping into all that you are and can be.

Give it a try, and when you get used to that 5 minutes of quiet, and feel more inner harmony arise, share that feeling with the world around you. Then, try tomorrow for 10 minutes, and so forth, until you have a block of time in which you are at one with yourself, quiet…

What do you feel? Do you feel more harmony, more peace within? Once you identify this feeling, don’t forget to share it with the world.

Invitation of Dialogue

“If we as individuals cannot speak to each other, how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?”

Such is the verse for our topic today, improving your communication skills.

Let me be clear about the fact that I am not a communications expert, but I do observe people and their communication, and I do know what prevents me from communicating with others.

What I observe is a lot of bickering, bullying, and putting others down. Why do we do that to each other? Why can we not speak with gentleness and kindness to others?

I think of the reasons that I do not communicate well to another and it is usually when I am feeling low, or “less than” about myself, or when I am very shy. I retreat inside, unable to come out and participate in dialogue.

I am talking about the kind of dialogue where each party is free to express their feelings or thoughts without fear of ridicule or belittlement. How can we, as listeners, be active participants?

First of all, we can show respect for another as they are talking to us, remembering that each person is unique and worthy of our respect. Remember, we are focusing on cultivating differences between us and others.

Secondly, we can show tolerance for that person, allowing them to have their own opinion, even if it differs from ours. Remember, just because they say something of worth, it does not detract from our value.

Third, we can show kindness and gentleness as we set about talking to others. Remember, we each just want to be acknowledged for who and what we are, so we can pay attention to those around us.

Fourth, have compassion for another as they trudge with purpose through their life. Remember, show ourselves compassion also, for the frightened people we may be when it comes to approaching others and talking.

With respect, tolerance, kindness, gentleness, and compassion, we can engage in dialogue with others, allowing ourselves to show that tender side of ourselves. When we practice these things, we can also listen well, which is the other part of communication. Remember, listen to what others are saying and hear with your heart.

How do you engage in communication with others? Do you need a brush-up on your communication skills? Do you do all the talking, or do you allow room for others to talk? Leave a comment and let us know what you think.

As we return to the book topics, the next one is how we can cultivate differences with others.

The verse which accompanies this image talks about how we ask, require, and demand that others be like us and share our beliefs. But that is comparing one to another, and that practice squashes the spirit of the one being compared.

Cultivation of Differences

It goes on to note that we are like the gates. “Although similar in design, what thrives in one spot does not grow in another… One is not more beautiful than another. Each has beauty in its own right, if we will only look… it we will only see…”

The verse to this photo was written in 2002, early in sobriety, when I was dealing with the issue of always having been compared to my sisters and always having been found deficient.

That has had lasting and devastating effects on me, as I have struggled with comparing myself to others. When I engage in this behavior, I always find myself on the short end, “less than” the other, deficient in some way.

Whether we are different in color, customs, or talents, we can cultivate differences with those in our world. We can stop comparing, one to the next, and see each person as unique, with special attributes.

Perhaps, the first thing we can do when we start to cultivate differences between those around us is to refrain from comparing ourselves to others. Instead, we can grow and cultivate our own uniqueness, celebrate our own differences, standiing tall in who we are.

We show humility in who we are, but we claim our goodness, our specialness; we feed our spirit when we do this. Perhaps, when our soul is filled and we feel confident about who we are, we are then free to look at another’s differences in a new light. We are free to grow the differences that we find, to celebrate another’s spirit.

Perhaps, this is the one main thing we can do to allow us to cultivate differences with others, and that is to feel confident in ourselves. Ah, the issue of a self-appraisal comes up again, and we are asked to look closely at who we are, including our special gifts.

If we consider ourselves to be good people, then we are much more apt to think good of another, and to be interested in cultivating the differences we have discovered. We don’t have to defend to another who we are when we feel good about ourselves. We can putter around in our garden, delighting in discovering those around us and their unique gifts.

How do you cultivate differences with those people around you who are different than you? Does it help to have a firm belief in who you are? Share with us the technique you use to cultivate differences with others.

This morning, I had the opportunity to reflect upon whether my glass is half empty or half full. Here’s what happened. Oh. First, let me explain that I am deviating from the topics in the book for my second post yesterday and today’s post… I will resume the book topics tomorrow.

Yesterday’s second post was an exercise in a blogging class I was taking, and this morning’s is something that came to mind. I was sitting on my enclosed-in porch, as is my wont to do in the morning, drinking coffee and watching the sun rise, playing shadows of bushes upon the house next to mine.

I was taking the opportunity to reflect upon the blogging class I took this past weekend. Specifically, I was thinking about how I rated the class with a thumbs-up of 8, instead of a full thumbs-up of 10. When asked by the presenters why that rating and not a 10, I replied that I already knew much of the information that was presented.

It’s interesting I responded in that way, as a lot of what I DID learn was new to me, and very valuable. I was rudely awakened to the fact that I looked at the experience as my glass half empty, instead of half full. Embarrassing to admit, but a valuable lesson for me to examine further, so I thought it beneficial to share it with you.

I was modeled the attitude of judgment about everything and everyone when I was growing up, and the judgment was always negative. I don’t say this to give an excuse, but to allow you to see where my default mode came from. It’s simply a fact.

So, when asked about my thoughts about the class, they automatically went to my glass being half empty, rather then half full. Darn! And I thought I had outgrown that! I certainly have worked on changing that perception over the years.

I believe this experience came up to show me how I still need to work on this issue of the glass half empty or half full. It gives me an opportunity to treat myself with gentleness and tolerance, rather than beat myself up about where I initially went… to the glass half empty.

Additionally, I get the chance to practice perseverance in changing my default to the glass half full.  Life is all about practice, after all… We can turn the other way and become defensive or intimidating about the way in which we see the world as half empty, or we can gently examine ourselves, ferreting out our negative responses when a positive one is just as easy to do.

How do you view the world? Is your glass half empty or half full? Do you have to remind yourself of this, or is your glass always half full? Do you view the world with a positive outlook?

It’s hard to think that inspirational quotes about life can alter your mind. Usually, when we think of mind-altering, we think of substances like drugs, alcohol, caffeine, and nicotine.

These substances bring us a euphoria, an escape from emotional pain and stress. It is with these that we get away from the demons in our mind, sometimes engaging in their use until we are numb and can no longer feel. This can occur when we are experiencing deep emotional wounds.

At the very least, this behavior of over-indulging can be self-destructive, especially if substances are used for the purpose of numbing. At its best and in moderation, altering our minds with substances gives us a bit of a respite – a breather, so-to-speak. Is this not the same thing we would all like to feel when we get stressed from the daily trials and tribulations?

Instead of using substances, consider that we can alter our mind with inspirational quotes about life. We hear the words of another, whether that person is famous or not, and we relate to them at a deep, personal level. They resonate with our being. Ah, a connection is made.

The words bring us hope – hope of better times, hope of release of stress in our mind. Often, the quotes are strong enough to bring forth empowerment. When this occurs, we are inspired  to take action on our behalf.

Oneness

Stirring inspirational quotes about life bring us to compassion for ourselves and others. The words can lead us to want to show concern and empathy for those in our world.

Inspirational quotes about life lead us to gratitude as we express our thankfulness. We begin to feel oneness with others and ourselves, as we open our hearts.

It is that feeling of oneness that arises when we read these inspirational quotes that is so sacred, so spiritual in nature. Perhaps, allowing in the spirituality of the quotes changes our mind chemistry, such that it alters our mood.

So, the next time you have a need to alter your mind, try some inspirational quotes about life. Bask in the hope, the compassion, the gratitude you find, and experience that feeling of oneness with yourself and the world.

As we move forward in my book, our next topic is grace. Today’s inspirational quote about life and grace from the book is “Gently, quietly, an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure is bestowed upon me.”

Sweep of Grace

There is nothing quite like living in grace. It is a spiritual experience, for me. It is swept upon me quietly, gently, as the quote says, and as the photograph shows.

The thing about grace is that it is unearned, it is a favor. The more you strive for it, the more elusive it is. It is a gift that settles upon you. It just feels like the world is in alignment, that all is right for you.

Webster defines grace as an attractive quality, feature, or manner. It is beauty or charm of form, composition, movement, or expression.

How do you live in grace? Since it is nothing you can originate, since it is bestowed upon you, living the principles of living that we have been discussing will lead to grace.

For example, living with honesty, and with an open and willing heart will lead to grace. So will it if you live with tolerance, compassion, and kindness toward others and yourself.

Live with these qualities today and see if you experience grace, that wonderful veil that descends upon you, gently. Let us know if you experience it and what it feels like for you.

I was drawn to the beautiful sweeping staircase behind this gate, and the interesting growth on the wall made me think of our lovely growth of character that develops as we follow the principles of living.

Growth of Character

The verse asks, “Do we notice the character of another, grown over time on the wall of one’s being?” Then it asks if we notice our own character, evolved over time on our own wall. “Do we groom the moss and mold, encouraging new growth to flourish?”

One of the kindest things we can do for others and ourselves is to notice one’s character, and to recognize its growth over the years. It is a form of acknowledgment, of respect.

We each are interesting beings, with a character that has developed over time because of our unique experiences in life. This is to be honored – in others and in ourselves. 

When I titled this photo, I was thinking of Joe, an elder gentleman I met on a bus on the way from the parking lot to the Wooden Boat Show in Port Townsend, Washington. It was September of 2004.

He was hampered by a disability, and, yet, he was filled with enthusiasm and life. We struck up a conversation and I could not help but notice he was full of character. A nice friendship developed from that and the lunch we later shared.

We each have a character, grown over time on the wall of our being. We can continue to cultivate it as we age, lending grace to that process, as with Joe. Just as we notice that growth of character in another, we can notice it in ourselves. And, through living good principles of living such as we have been discussing, we can groom it, such that it flourishes.

Just for today, notice the character of another and offer it acknowledgment and respect. Just for today, notice your character and do something to encourage new growth. Then stand back and admire the beauty you find.   

We are brought to the next topic in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, and I will provide a definition of tolerance. First, the verse.

Practice of Tolerance

“I have the most difficulty being tolerant of others when I am feeling inadequate, insecure, and uncomfortable with myself.

Yet, when I am able to look beyond the imperfections of others, I discover great beauty and worth in them.

And, I discover that another’s value does not diminish my own.” 

The definition of tolerance is allowing, bearing, permitting, or not interfering with another’s beliefs and practices.

This is a wonderful habit to practice… tolerating others, as it results in peace for the one tolerating another.

I think it bears repeating why we may be intolerant. For me, I find that I am intolerant of another’s ideas or beliefs when I am feeling inadequate and unsure of myself.

In that situation, I compare myself to another and fall short of them. That makes me uncomfortable and it intensifies my low self-esteem. I struggle with allowing another’s beliefs or practices because they threaten who I believe myself to be… or at least, that’s what I think in the moment.

On the other hand, when I am feeling comfortable about who I am and hold myself in good esteem, another’s different ideas or beliefs do not shake that self-confidence I have.

I think the biggest thing to realize is that just because another has value in who and what they are, that does not diminish my own value. Just because they have a valid point, for example, does not make my point any less valid or valuable.

We spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to others… too much time, perhaps. Rather, if we can tolerate the differences in another, it enriches our lives, instead of detracting from it.

So, perhaps the real message here is to work on developing our self-esteem, feeling comfortable with who and what we are. Then, perhaps we can more effortlessly tolerate others. It sounds like an opportunity for practice.

We can also practice being more tolerant of ourselves and our quirks. If we see something we do not like, we can take action and change it, instead of being negative and intolerant of ourselves.

What is your definition of tolerance and how do you practice it? Do you find it is easier to be tolerant when you are feeling good about yourself? I invite you to leave a comment and let us know how you practice tolerance.

The next topic from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart, A Journey of Healing is absence of judgment.

Absence of Judgment

“Why do we judge others so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others?” This is the verse from the book.

Judgment: an opinion, criticism, or censure. Certainly, we are continually assessing those around us to determine that we are safe in the world. In that capacity, we make a judgment.

That is necessary and yet, that is not what I’m referring to here. I am referring to harsh and critical judgment, the kind that is damaging to another’s soul, the kind that is back-stabbing, putting another down, demeaning of another.

So, I repeat… why do we persist in such harsh judgement judgment of others if what they are doing feeds their spirit and is not harmful to you, others, or themselves?

Is it fear? Fear that they could harm you? Is that well-founded fear? Or, is it merely being critical of another because they are different than you.

Do we criticize because you we are feeling small and “less than?” I know that’s the case for me when I criticize and judge others, and even myself. I am feeling not-so-good inside.

And what about the ways in which we judge ourselves? The way you judge yourself? Are you harsh and critical? Do you have that inner meanie, that voice of shame? Many of us do. That critical part of yourself serves no good, it destroys your spirit, your soul. It degrades you and prevents you from being all you can be.

How do we dispel that voice that criticizes others and then turns that inward against ourselves? Perhaps, one way is by taking note of and appreciation for another individual, showing them respect for their differences. Ah, yesterday’s topic. That includes taking note of your differences, and celebrating them, by the way.

Perhaps, it is nothing more than noticing when we are critical and judgmental. If we shine the light upon our thoughts or words when we are so harsh, we may realize we are doing it more than we think, and, perhaps, we can cease.

Perhaps, it involves looking at ourselves and our habits, and realizing they could be considered strange to an outsider, worthy of critical judgment. When looked at in that light, perhaps we are more tolerant of other’s differences.

I invite you to go forward in your day and notice how you judge yourself and others, and think: why such harsh judgement judgment of others and of myself?

Sometimes, we as individuals do not respect others as individuals. So, our topic today is respect of individuality.

The verse that accompanies the photograph in the book starts, “We ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us. Why?”

Respect of Individuality

Why, indeed. Why do we think that what we are and what we do is what others should be and do? When we expect another to be like us, to follow our dreams, it thwarts the skills and talents of another, sending the message that who they are is not good enough, or simply not good.

Did you experience that at any point in your life? In childhood, in a marriage? I did. I was constantly compared to my sisters, who were academic. I was artistic, so in the comparison, I failed miserably.

It has taken my lifetime to revert the belief that I was not a good person. Even still, I struggle with feelings of not being good enough.

So, what’s the solution? How can we look at another and celebrate their differences as individuals? We can do just that. We can take special note of another’s individuality and respect it, celebrate it.

We can encourage another’s individuality, urging them to greatness in the areas in which they excel and are interested.

At the same time that we are respecting others as individuals, we can respect our own individuality. Oh, yes, for we – you – are each a unique individual, worthy of celebration and respect.

Take the time to think about all the things about yourself that make you an individual, all your special talents and gifts. Then, consider that these are the gifts you are intended to bring to the world.

Be willing to humbly share these gifts with everyone around you. When you do, you will begin to feel at peace with yourself and the world; it will bring you a feeling of completeness, wholeness. 

It is my hope that you will begin to see others as individuals, allowing them outside of any box in which you have placed them. And I hope that you begin to celebrate your uniqueness, allowing the world to see who you are as an individual.

Perhaps the biggest service you can provide is to offer acknowledgment to others, and to yourself.

Acknowledgment of Others

“It is a never-ending circle of acknowledgment – of each other, and of ourselves.”

“We go within so we can reach out to others and we reach out to others so we can go within.”

“We just need to be seen, to be noticed by those around us. We need to matter to each other, and to ourselves.”

“We do not need to do this alone. We need to help each other.”

Such is the verse that goes with this photograph. The photo shows how it’s never-ending, always repeating. Our backs are curled away from another, so we can reach within to gather strength to give to others.

Then, we are curled toward another, so we can offer acknowledgment to the other, letting them know that we see their value as a human being. In so doing, we feel good inside, feel good about ourselves.

Acknowledgment to another is as simple as you offering a smile, a nod of the head. We all just want to be noticed by you, as the verse says. It is so simple, so easy, and when you do it, it promotes peace in the world around you. It makes you feel good inside.

To offer acknowledgment to ourselves, to yourself, is more difficult sometimes. For example, you may not give acknowledgment to your feelings, especially ones of hurt. You tell yourself to “get over it,” instead of holding yourself tenderly and gently, showing yourself compassion.

When you do these things for yourself, that’s when you really get over it, because your soul is comforted and it can heal from hurts. To acknowledge your hurts is to show your soul that you, too, matter as a human being.

Perhaps it is fear which prevents you from acknowledging another. Or guilt. In the case of a homeless person on the corner, you may not wish to offer money. So you look away, you avoid eye contact. But that says to them that they are not of value to you.

Perhaps they are not, and yet, they are a fellow human being, just trying to make it through. A smile will brighten up their day. When you offer that acknowledgment to them, you will feel your heart swell with goodness.

In similar fashion, when you offer acknowledgment to your feelings, your heart swells with goodness. You feel you matter to yourself, that you are important. 

Go into your day and offer acknowledgment to others and to yourself, and feel the peace it brings you. Feel that goodness in your heart. Then, go within yourself to gather strength and gentleness to do it again, for the next person that you encounter. Tell me, doesn’t doing these things feel good inside; don’t you feel peace? 

It is my hope that you will find inspirational quotes about life in this blog for the next topic in the book…patience.

Patina of Patience

“I am being asked to slow down so much after a lifetime of running so fast. I do not know how to do that. How do I watch and wait for life to evolve naturally without forcing it? How do I learn to be patient?”

That was me in life, running so fast from one thing to the next, forcing, pushing. The result I often experienced was the world crashing in around me, never suiting me, things turning out poorly.

In sobriety, I learned a different approach. First, I took action whenever I wanted or needed something to happen. Then, I learned to sit back and wait, doing nothing more on that situation.

Instead, I learned to go on to the next thing that needed my attention, the next indicated thing. I learned to have faith that a power greater than myself would work out the details and that the results I would receive were better than if I forced the results to happen.

Here lies the clincher, though. You have to discern if further action is needed on your behalf. For example, I have applied for a job. The interview happened a week and a half ago, and I have not heard from them since.

Yet, I learned from a friend employed by the company that they liked me, thought my skills were strong. Given that, I would have expected a call by now. So, I have decided that I have been patient and now need to show that I am interested in the job, by calling them to see how my application process is going. I believe this call is needed on my behalf. I could be wrong… and yet, it feels right in my gut.

So, patience requires a bit of discernment, decision-making on your part. But, like the patina which has grown on the gate in the image, good things grow over time. Allow that time to pass before jumping in. Realize that the forces of the Universe can do more for you than you can by pushing any result.

Divert your attention by turning it to the next indicated thing. For me in my example, the next indicated thing is to blog, to do my social media networking. Later today, it will be to go to the place where I volunteer. Always do the next indicated thing that is in your path, even if it is washing the dishes. You can meditate, read, or take a walk.

Above all, have patience and faith that things that are meant to be will come to pass. Don’t push life; it is like trying to run upstream in a stream with a strong current. 

Instead, enjoy the scenery around you while you patiently wait in faith. And that does not include tapping your foot while you wait… oh, no! It means truly letting it go and turning your attention to the next indicated thing, then the next, and the next… Doing that will help you find peace.

I hope you have gained some inspirational quotes about life and patience from this post. How do you remain patient in your life? What does patience look like to you?

The next topic in the book is perseverance. It is that continued, patient effort on your part that leads to peace of mind, inner peace. It is that repeated effort, without being discouraged that things are not turning out the way you wish.

Rolls of Perseverance

The first stanza of the verse reads, “I struggle to not become discouraged, or to think I am a failure because I have not achieved in my first few attempts the vision of myself as I wish to be.”

You see, I wanted to have peace of mind, and, despite my efforts, I was not making it, was not getting there. What I didn’t realize was that I WAS getting there, it just took a lot of internal work and healing to get to the peace of mind for which I searched.

You cannot do one thing and expect to “get there,” wherever “there” is. It often takes repeated effort on your part, doing the same thing again and again sometimes. Just as the rolls of iron go on and on in this photo, so must your efforts to find that peace of mind for which you search.

It is much less straining to be patient while continuing your efforts, for to be impatient sets up an attitude of tenseness, of expectation of what the outcome of your actions is to be. That’s all well and good, yet life’s outcomes are often not what you want them or expect them to be. 

Besides, to go against the flow of what is, to try and manage the outcome, takes away from the mystery and magic of life, don’t you think?

So, what does that have to do with perseverance and peace of mind? The more you can go with the flow and keep up a continued and patient effort, the more you will find peace of mind, even during the search you are on.

Perseverance helps you find peace in the middle of daily living. Don’t like something about yourself, or that you did or said? Keep practicing perseverance until you get it right. Continue to work toward peace of mind, even through the discouragement that may come.

Above all, do not think yourself a failure because it takes more than one attempt. Instead, think of yourself as a human being.

How have you persevered to find peace of mind? Have those methods been difficult for you to maintain? How did you find the patience to continue, again and again? I invite you to leave a comment in response.

Ray of Hope

One of the inspirational quotes about life and hope for today is, “A ray of light across the bars of my being lights my way, instills hope in my heart.”

Another is, “You feel hope when you feel that what you want will happen.” That is Webster’s definition…

For you who is learning to love yourself and to overcome low self-esteem, depression, worthlessness, or despair, you begin to believe that you can overcome these things, that you can feel self-love.

Now that you have seen yourself with kindness and compassion, forgiven yourself and others, learned to have humility and willingness, and accepted yourself as you are, you realize that you have hope for better times, a better feeling about yourself and your life.

You have hope that you can move forward in life, that inner peace and happiness can be yours. Breathe in intention – to move forward in your life. Breathe out manifestation – you experience peace and happiness today.

All it takes is that little ray of hope that you see in the photograph, and soon the sun shines even more brightly across the bars of your being, dissolving doubt, washing away fear. You bathe in that ray and drink in the hope that it brings to your soul. 

That’s right… go ahead and drink in hope, relish it, revel in it. Let it open your heart. Believe in yourself and let your light shine in your world and the world around you. 

Can you feel that hope? Are you breathing in intention and breathing out manifestation? Let your soul be lightened and washed clear. Is your soul feeling more clear? It is my hope that it is. Now, have a peaceful and happy day as you bask in hope today… then tomorrow, and then the next day, and the next… one day at a time…

Today we’re going to talk about building self confidence by accepting yourself. This is the next topic in the book, and the verse is:

Acceptance of Self

“Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws, our spirit?”

You start out as a delightful being, delighted yourself with the world and your surroundings. Over time, you are hurt by others, perhaps told in one way or another that you are not good enough, that you are worthless. You are belittled, criticized. These things erode your self confidence.

You start believing all the negative things you have been told or been shown about yourself, and you start putting yourself down. You are not what someone else wants you to be, so you begin not accepting who you are. 

These things are all crazy-making within your heart, your mind. You end up being a confused and hurt person, lacking confidence and wanting to be someone different than you are. This is damaging to your soul.

What if you were to start over and reclaim yourself and who you are? Re-examine the delightful things about yourself and applaud them. Identify your strong points, just as you identify your weak points needing improvement.

Accept that it is all who you are. No need to be ashamed for your weak areas, your negative behavior. Accept that that is who you are and be willing to change those things, but know that that is who you are in the moment.

The more you run away from who you are at this very moment in time, the less likely you will be able to accept yourself and to reclaim self confidence. Seriously, accept that you are that generous, kind person, just as you are a selfish, hurtful person sometimes. Own it – all of it. 

If you do not identify and accept who you are at the current time, if you are always denying your bad points, you cannot make changes in yourself. It is in correcting your bad and weak points that you can help grow your self confidence.

When you do your self-appraisal, have the courage and humility to admit to the good that you are and that you do. Go ahead. Praise yourself, pat yourself on the back. Allow seeing your positive points to add to your self confidence. Stand tall in who you really are. Be honest with the world.

Remember to be humble, though. This exercise is not meant to emphasize your superiority, but to enhance the way in which you see yourself so you can raise your self confidence.

Do good for others. This will raise your self confidence immensely. There is nothing like seeing the look of appreciation on another’s face when you do something kind and giving for them.

In short, reclaim that delightful spirit that you are. Take responsibility for your flaws. Do good for others. Most importantly, find kindness, gentleness, compassion, and forgiveness for yourself.

How have these actions helped to raise your self confidence? Have you accepted who you are in both your darkness and your light? Has doing esteem-able acts helped you with your self confidence? Leave a comment. Let us know.

Yesterday, I spoke about how forgiveness found me. It was quite by accident. Now, I know how to recreate that for myself and I thought I’d share it with you how to find forgiveness.

Tiers of Forgiveness

It happens in tiers, or stages, over time. There are many emotions to deal with, and the original anger and resentment will resurface for you to look at. It gets easier if you apply the following process.

• Identify the original anger. Recognize it as hurt and let yourself feel that hurt. Be willing to feel it.
• Don’t get into how justified you are about your anger. Allow yourself to hurt.
• Take a look at yourself and determine if you may have done something to provoke the other person. Be really honest about that, even if it is embarrassing to admit. Better to know this up-front. Be willing to look honestly. Be willing to be responsible for your own actions and words.
• If you did do something to provoke the other person, perhaps an apology is in order. Drop your pride and apologize if you were the one who set the ball in motion.
• If that is not the case, then look further at yourself and examine whether you have ever done the very thing for which you are angry.
• Chances are, you have in some form or another. Think about how you felt about yourself when you did that. Were you feeling badly about yourself and took it out on another in some way?
• Have compassion for yourself for how badly you were feeling about yourself when you did that act, or said what you said to be hurtful to another. Really hold yourself and give yourself comfort. Be willing to show yourself compassion.
• Now, think about the other person and consider that they most likely were feeling badly about themselves when they did what they did to you.
• Now, try to see them with the eyes of compassion for the wounded soul they were at that moment that they hurt you.
• Don’t condone the hurtful actions. Forgiveness is not about condoning the hurtful actions or words of another. It is about freeing up your heart from the resentment you harbor. It is about clearing your heart.
• Once you see with the eyes of compassion, try to bring forgiveness into your heart.
• Know that they were doing the best they could at that moment, just as you always do the best you can in any moment, even if you are hurtful to another.

Try this series of ideas for one with whom you are angry and resentful, one whom you are unable to forgive, and see if it is helpful. See if it shows you how to find forgiveness.

If it is yourself you need to forgive, the same stages of self-examination and compassion apply. If you try this method, let us know the results. Leave a comment with your success, or let us know if it just didn’t work.

There was a definite advantage for me in finding the gift of forgiveness. It is a gift for you, as it frees your heart of the resentment, anger, and hurt which you harbor. When you forgive, it adds a great deal of inner peace to your life.

According to Webster, to forgive is to give up resentment and the desire to punish someone, to pardon them, to overlook one’s transgressions. This is not to say you condone what another has done. Yet, you give up the need to punish them with your silence, or scorn, or anger.

Tiers of Forgiveness

Forgiveness for me happened in tiers. And it involved many years of tears. There was a period of years in my life when I endured much physical and verbal abuse; the details are not important.

What is noteworthy is that I was told repeatedly during those years that I was worthless, no good, and would never amount to anything. Needless to say, I started to feel very worthless.

I went on with life, resenting this person who had bestowed the extreme physical and emotional hurt upon me. I seethed inside. I made snide comments to punish them, or withheld my love and attention as a way to further punish. 

Then I became sober. I had to look at what was done without having alcohol to numb the pain, and it was excruciating to do so. I did it because I had no choice but to go through the pain if I wanted to heal. And I wanted desperately to heal. 

I was doing a self-appraisal one day, looking at all my relationships with men that I had had over the years. I realized that for each of them, I would get drunk and scream at them how worthless they were, that they were no good, and would never amount to anything.

I was horrified to remember and to admit this to myself! What a horrible thing to have said! I realized I did not mean it, that I was feeling those things about myself, and just took out my anguish on them.

Suddenly, I wondered if the person who said those things to me felt the same way – felt worthless and no good about themselves, and that is why they screamed those words at me.  I saw myself with compassion, knowing what extreme pain I was in at the time. This allowed me to believe that the person who abused me was also in great pain at the time, and I was able to feel compassion for them, also.

This didn’t excuse my behavior, and I have since apologized to these men, but the psychological and spiritual damage was done. Yet, by acknowledging how I said these things, and applying compassion to both myself and the person who abused me, I was able to forgive myself, and the person who had said them to me. Years of anger and  resentment slipped away. I have since gained peace from years of abuse. 

What are the ways in which you are withholding forgiveness? Is it getting in the way of your peace of mind? Tomorrow we will look at ways you can learn to offer forgiveness, so you can gain peace, too.

Curls of Kindness

“If this is not the time to be kinder and gentler to each other and to ourselves, when will it be?” This is the verse from my book, and the next topic we will be discussing today – what is kindness?

Friendly, gentle, tenderhearted, sympathetic, generous, and cordial are all terms Webster uses to define “kind,” with “kindness” being the state or habit of being kind. So that answers what is kindness…

How do you treat others with kindness? Perhaps by using many of the things we have discussed up to this point. Things like being gentle, having compassion, being willing to be kind, and having an open heart can all contribute to acts of kindness.

Having a good sense of who you are is also needed for you to be kind, both to others and to yourself. When you feel more at home with yourself, you have less need to strike out in anger, defensiveness, and fear, or to cut yourself down.

The next time you feel the urge to say a disparaging word about someone, hold that thought and allow your heart to soften. Allow in a kind thought, and say something kind instead. Become willing to do this.

In like fashion, every time you catch yourself saying unkind things to yourself about yourself, come into awareness that you are doing that. Make the choice to stop, and think something kind about yourself instead.

This all may sound easy, yet it takes consciousness and practice. When you have the urge to be unkind, or if you actually are, do a self-appraisal and examine what you were feeling at the time that prompted you to act unkindly. If you were feeling “less than,” treat yourself with compassion and gentleness.

What is kindness to you? What are the ways in which you are kind to others? How about to yourself?

“Perhaps, rather than thinking I must make my morals, truth, and integrity match another’s, I can determine what resonates with my own heart. When it does, I have the strength of a pillar.”

Pillar of Strength

This is the verse that accompanies today’s image and topic, being an individual, being yourself and standing strong in who you are. First, however, you need to determine who you really are at your core.

This can be a challenging task, especially if you live in an environment where who you are is not valued and, in fact, is criticized or demeaned.

I lived in such an environment in my marriage, after leaving a home where I was criticized and demeaned during childhood, so for me, it was a lifetime. I learned to be whatever and whomever the other person wanted me to be. I was very good at it.

Therefore, it was very difficult, after I left my 20 year marriage, to determine what my own values and truths were. I was only able to figure this out by staying sober and sticking through the often excruciating emotional times, until I came out on the other side. So have faith; you will come out on the other side

I recommend journalling to ferret out your strengths, your morals, your truths. That worked well for me, anyway. It allows you to write anything you think or feel without the fear of having it criticized or demeaned, thus devaluing you.

This is a time when you want to be totally honest about what you see. If you are confused about your morals, your truths, set the intention to discover them, and go about your day with them in your mind and heart. When you have an idea, jot it down in your journal. Expand upon it later.

Once you discover your truths and integrity, try to gently express yourself to those around you, sticking up for yourself and your opinions. I recognize that this can lead to arguments with a spouse.

I also recognize that sometimes it is not safe to do this, and in that situation, perhaps it is best to keep your thoughts in your journals, but know in your heart what they are. Then, when you have gotten out of the dangerous situation, you can express yourself to others. Do the best you can in a given situation, and keep yourself safe.

Be fair to yourself when you are doing a self-appraisal. This is where honesty, willingness, and openness come in to play. Be willing to look at yourself with an open mind and heart, thus discovering what your strengths, morals, and truths are. Be honest by not downplaying who you are. It is not bragging or arrogant to honestly admit to your strengths. Rather, here is an opportunity to practice humility.

Do you know your strengths and morals, your truths and integrity? Do you project them into the world? Do you feel the inner strength that produces when you do so? Does it help you find peace? I truly hope it does. I hope for you to resonate with your truths, morals, and integrities so that you are being yourself and standing strong in who you are..

Our next stop as we work our way through my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing is compassion. And what is compassion? It is the ability to feel sympathy or sorrow for another’s sufferings and is usally associated with an urge to help.

Fields of Compassion

To interject, the interesting and very unique thing about my book is that I wrote three-quarters of the verses that appear in it before I even discovered the gates and photographed them.

Such is the case for the verse that accompanies Fields of Compassion. I wrote the bulk of the verse in Colorado in 2003, immediately following an uncomfortable experience with a homeless man, and I found the gate image in Napa Valley, California in 2005. I later re-wrote the last stanza, which I quote below. I rewrote it because the original was just a demonstration of self-pity for my shame.

What happened in 2003 was, I stopped at a light in Denver and there was a homeless man on the corner. I didn’t want to give him money, so after a brief encounter of our eyes meeting, I looked away with shame and avoided further eye contact.

I felt horrible that I couldn’t even acknowledge this man, another human being who was struggling. After I went through the light, I stopped and wrote the verse that goes with the image, in which I talk about how I could not even show my compassion to this man, and that I cried for the lack of compassion we show one another. 

The end of the verse reads, “All it would take is a look, a smile, to let this man know that I care about him, feel his plight, want to help. I can offer a fellow human being a smile, a hand, and fill a vacant field with compassion…”

Back to our definition for the question what is compassion? You can have sorrow for another’s plight, and you can take it one step further by acknowledging them. All it takes is a smile, a nod of the head. Sometimes you wish to reach into your pocket to help with money, but even if you do not do that, you can display your sympathy, your compassion. This goes for anyone who is suffering.

It even holds true for yourself when you are suffering. You can show yourself sympathy when you are healing and dealing, for example, with grief, sorrow, or remorse that arises.  You can fill your empty field with compassion.

Compassion is not to be confused with pity, feeling sorry for others, and especially feeling self-pity. Now, Webster includes pity in the definition of compassion, yet, in my experience, I have found that self-pity was very destructive for me. It perpetuated my blaming of others for my woes, kept me drinking over it, and it kept me from moving forward and taking action. It stopped me from being useful to others. And pitying others I found to be demeaning. 

I hope I have answered for you the question what is compassion. How do you show compassion to another or yourself?

Today I am going to give you what I hope to be inspirational quotes about life that you can use when it comes to being gentle. It is from the book and gentleness is the next topic.

Bed of Gentleness

“Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

I believe one of the best things you can do for yourself while you are changing and traveling on your journey is to be gentle with yourself. It does no good to beat yourself up and it affects your spirit and soul adversely.

I used to say to myself “I should…” a lot. I should have done this, I should have done that. Over time, I have discovered that “should” is a shaming word and makes me feel ashamed of myself every time I say it. When I say it to someone else, it only shames them.

Instead, I have consciously, over time, replaced the word “should” with “could,” or “would.” I could have done this, I wish I would have done that… See the difference and how you feel it in your gut?

This is one major way you can be more gentle with yourself. Another way is to see yourself with compassion for your actions and desires to have done something differently. After all, you do the best that you know how at each given moment. If you would have known a better way, you would have done it differently.

I think when you talk to yourself with gentleness, it flows out into the world and you begin to talk to others and treat them with more gentleness, also. Encourage yourself, praise yourself for a job well done, do anything but beat yourself up. Remember, you can always apologize for something you did that was hurtful to another.

Try treating yourself with more gentleness and see how that feels for you. Learn to stop using the “should” word, and see if you feel more gentleness for yourself.

I hope this post presented some inspirational quotes about life and gentleness that you can use to your benefit. Have a good day.

Today it is time for a performance appraisal of yourself, a search of self. This is the next topic in the book. It is the second reference to looking at yourself, your behavior and your actions. The first was in the blog about honesty.

Search of Self

But this time, when doing an appraisal, take a look at yourself with the eyes of the soul. You are looking for your heart, right in the middle of everything you are, which is sometimes muddled, sometimes messy.

We are all human. We all have swirls and shadows, shades of tan and rust… darkness and light. Do you recognize and acknowledge your humanness, your good, your bad?

You see, resiliency of spirit lies in the ability to see yourself as a falable human being, who is not perfect, who makes mistakes. The beauty of it all is that among all these swirls and shadows, your heart is there in the middle, shining brightly, truthfully. It knows the truth of who you are.

All you have to do is find it, to feel it. In your heart, you know when you are treating yourself or another poorly. You know. So, after being honest with yourself about it, you can do a  do-over, a retake. You can get humble and apologize.

How do you apologize when, during a performance appraisal of yourself, you find that you have wronged yourself? You can acknowledge it, first of all. Then, you can see yourself with compassion, trying to get to the root of why you are treating yourself poorly. Is it an old message of worthlessness that plagues you? Do you not feel worthy of better treatment, taking good care of yourself?

Once you ferret out the reasons behind your poor treatment of yourself, be sure to apply compassion, but not humiliation. Do not beat yourself up. Smile at the small and child-like person you were when you did whatever it was you did, or did not do. Like I said before, apologize and change your behavior.

This applies to the appraisal of yourself, as well as to an appraisal of how you treat others. They key is willingness to look at yourself, again and again, and to correct what you find. You will always find darkness. But it is changeable, if you choose.

There is always light, also. Always. And sometimes you have to find the courage to recognize and admit to your positive points. If you were bullied or told you were no good at any point in your life, this may be difficult. Stick with it; it will come with time and commitment.

To find the recesses of your heart and its kind and gentle nature, it always helps to ask that greater power to assist you in your search.

Do you have trouble finding the bright knob of your heart when you do a performance appraisal of yourself? What does it feel like for you to acknowledge your goodness? How about your dark side? Can you adjust your thoughts and behavior when the dark side comes out?

Can you let your heart overrule that darkness? I hope you are able to see in yourself that shining heart, right in the middle of all that you do and all that you are, and that you can let it override your darkness.

Today we are talking about how to commit to the journey you are on, whether that is of awareness, healing, growth, or recovery. The verse begins, “The gate stands open, beckoning me to climb.”

Journey of Commitment

It goes on to talk about how each step leads further in your journey, offering the opportunity to examine yourself and your life – leaves that have fallen, leaves that will fall, and buds yet to form.

Once you begin the climb and commit to it, you recognize and accept that you will experience both rocky and smooth times, that it will be positive and negative, easy and hard. This is just how life is. It cannot be escaped.

You commit anyway, because you know that the reward of the journey is in each blossom and each leaf along the way. That IS the journey… the blossoms and leaves along the way just keep changing faces as one part of your journey ebbs and another flows. The journey changes, again and again, as you learn, heal, and grow.

You see, when you learn how to commit to the journey, you do not know what experiences and lessons will come your way, but you agree to yourself that you will stick it through. The experiences may be terribly painful, even unbearable. Yet, if you stick through it, you will heal from the pain with time and effort on your part. You will find your way to peace.

If you decide to commit to the journey of healing, I can only offer you what worked for me. I found it useful to engage in activities such as reaching out for help from therapy and support groups, and reading books about the type of pain with which I was dealing. Journaling about my deepest, most agonizing feelings was most useful.

Finding a close friend or confidant to talk with about my thoughts was also extremely helpful. That person became my spiritual coach and learning to rely on that power greater than myself became indispensable.  Learning to use all  the tools we have discussed, such as honesty, openness, willingness, humility, courage… these all helped.

It was most helpful to be useful to others, as that gave me a sense of mattering to someone in the world. What I discovered when I did all these things was that my journey’s face changed from pain and deep despair to that of joy and inner peace. Now, unpleasant situations occur, and I am curious to uncover the lesson to which the journey is guiding me.

I hope I have given you a sense of purpose for your continued journey, and let you know that there is great reward, even in the hard times.

Key of Willingness

As we move along in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, today’s topic is willingness. The verse reads, “All it takes is willingness to unlock whatever lies inside, to turn the knob and open the door… All it takes is a tiny opening, the size of a keyhole.”

Amazingly, if you show the slightest bit of willingness -to heal, to grow, to change – the Universe will help you by rewarding you with even more willingness. This is important because everything hinges on your willingness to be willing.

If you are not willing, for example, to have courage or to trust, to commit or to be humble, to be honest or to open your heart, all the forcing on your part will not get you anywhere. If, however, you are willing, those things will happen with little effort on your part.

I used to pray for the willingness to be willing. That may sound funny, but it worked! I was granted the willingness which changed my mindset around and made me more open to things, more open to change and to grow, to heal.

To find willingness in your life, try praying to whatever power greater than yourself that you have defined. Maybe it’s that doorknob you see in the picture. Make a conscious decision to be willing to see and experience things differently.

Seriously, all it takes is a decision the size of a keyhole. In other words, it takes a small amount of willingness to carry you a long, long way toward finding peace in your heart.

Try making that decision to be willing, or pray for willingness. What do you experience when you do this? Do you feel an opening of your heart, your soul? Once you try being willing, let us know what you find by leaving a comment.

As we move along in the book, one topic at a time, we come to how to find peace with an open heart. In the book, it’s called Openness of Heart.

Openness of Heart

The verse talks about how we go through life with a heart that is closed to life’s pains to protect our heart. The verse continues with, “If we allow our hearts to open, we will see things in a different light.”

“We will grow through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life.” And we – you – find peace.

Along with an open heart comes an open mind. You must develop an open heart and an open mind to find peace.

How does this work? How do you come to have an open heart and mind?

You make a choice and you decide to see things in a different light. You decide to see the world and the people around you with more kindness, gentleness, and tolerance.

You begin to delight in people and their differences by opening your heart to them. Perfect example… Last weekend I was in a holiday craft show at the mobile home park where I live. The woman across the aisle from me had a table with lots of stuffed bears, around which she had placed small scarves she had knitted. There were other objects, as well.

Now, I’m not much iinto stuffed bears and the like, but I decided to look upon the wares at her table, and to notice her and them with an open heart. What I had the gift to observe was this woman, lovingly placing these scarves around the bears’ necks, then arranging and rearranging the bears and other items on her table.

The expression on her face was one of pure focus, pure love, and I was able to be a witness to that, simply by opening my heart to her and her product. It was priceless to watch her… My heart soared.

When you close your heart and mind to others, you miss out on priceless moments such as these. In fact, you miss out on peace in your soul. So, how do you find peace with an open heart and mind?

As I said, you make the decision to see with eyes of gentleness. You consciously decide you will be open-minded about what you encounter, that you will delight in someone’s differences. You consciously decide to not be fearful of their differences. Then, you view another with the eyes of the soul, viewing them as another child of the Universe, just like you.

You allow them to be different and praise the differences in them, knowing that the differences you witness add great richness to your life. You recognize that, to some, you and your expression of who you are will seem strange, and you smile at yourself when you think this, allowing you to be yourself with your strange habits. When you can do these things, you will experience peace of mind and openness of heart.

How do you open your heart, your mind, or, do you go about life with your heart and mind closed? Wouldn’t you like to experience seeing life with the eyes of your soul, being more gentle, kind, and tolerant? Try it. You’ll enjoy the feeling.

The next, most important, tool you can use in the pursuit of discovering the resiliency and beauty of your spirit is honesty. So, what is honesty? To what am I referring when I use that term?

I’m talking about the ability to look at yourself and admit to everything that you find – the way you treat others and yourself, what you think about yourself and others, your talents and strong points, and your weak points that need improvement.

In the book, the verse begins “I look at the ways in which I treat myself and others. Can I allow myself and others to see what I find, to see who I truly am?”  So you see, being honest also includes letting others see who you truly are.

Welds of Honesty

It ends, “Perhaps if I let go of the parts that do not serve me, I can weld my being with honesty. I can weld a secure and solid structure of great strength on which I can build my Self.”

As you can see. we’re trying to build a base upon which everything else about you is built. It begins with doing a self-appraisal to ferret out, first, how you treat others in your actions. List those points out. Are you kind, offensive, bullying, compassionate? List the positive and the not-so-kind.

Then, list how you treat yourself in your mind. Are you judgmental, always putting yourself down? Get it all down on paper. List first what you think about others, and then about yourself.

Finally, list all your positive points. Sometimes, this is the most difficult to do because we were taught not to “dote” on ourselves, that it is conceited. It’s not conceited to have a good feeling about yourself; it is self-love and the basis for all that you do and how you approach the world. Of course, you are going to want to be humble about what you find.

Once you have your lists, now what? Well, part of the answer to what is honesty is the ability to let others see you as you really are. Certainly, you are not going to display your negative ways of treating and thinking of others to them; that would be hurtful. But you will want to show who you are with your positive points.

You are going to want to let yourself shine, to share those parts of you that are sincerely who you are at your deepest, most gentle place. This is difficult for most, as it opens the door and makes you vulnerable. It is assumed it is an unsafe place to be. And sometimes it ios. You will have to assess that and only open up if it is safe to do so.

But I contend it is not an unsafe place, usually. In fact, I contend that by making yourself vulnerable, you show your human side and others can connect with you at a deep level. It takes courage and trust to do this. Ask for help from that power greater than yourself. See how each topic is beginning to build upon the preceding one?

Once you list out who you are, and begin to let that person shine, you will begin to feel a great freedom, as if a huge weight has been listed from your heart. It is the pathway to peace, to discovering the beauty of your spirit.

What are the ways in which you can be honest to yourself and others? Can you show people who you honestly are at your core? Is it a place of kindness or do you need some inner work? Let us see who you are by leaving a comment to share with us.

As we move through the book, the next topic we come to is humility. You may ask, what is humility? For me, it is a feeling of warmth, for when felt, it is a warm glow inside.

Warmth of Humility

It is interesting to note that courage and humility are two tools to use when discovering the resiliency and beauty of your spirit, which is what we’re all about on this blog. Both require action on your part.

So, what is humility? It is the state of being humble – the absence of pride or self-assertion. It is not the same as humiliation, which is what I first thougt it was. Oh, no. It is much more pleasing a feeling, not negative at all.

Humility is having or showing a consciousness of one’s defects or shortcomings. It is the display of modesty. When practiced, you feel neither small nor large, but right-sized.

Why is it an action word? Why does it require action on your part? Well, you make the conscious choice to incorporate its practice into your life and then you take action to put that choice into practice. You learn to neither tout or brag about your accomplishments nor minimize yourself. You demonstrate and practice self-love.

You see the blessings and gifts you have been given and give thanks for them. You can give credit to a power greater than yourself for their presence. See how trust ties in here? It’s all related…

You take action by participating in your blessings and gifts as you engage in what you have been given, in your talents. When you do this, there is a warmth that emanates from deep within. There is a deep appreciation of self and the power that gave you what you are. When you practice humility, there is a deep feeling of peace and joy.

What are your gifts and talents for which you are humble? How do you feel your humility? Is it a wonderful glow of warmth, like the warmth of the brass in the photograph? I invite you to share with us what it’s like for you.

“We all hold feelings of hurt, disappointment, grief, and despair deep within from which we desperately seek relief. We repress it, drink it away, or turn to another to make it right.” So starts the verse of the next topic, what is courage and how to find it? 

Spaces of Courage

The verse goes on to say that perhaps, rather than cast the pain out or give it to another, we find the courage to touch that oh-so-vulnerable spot, to hold the pain tenderly, gently, with great compassion. 

Then, if we can find the courage to invite in a sacred force to embrace those deep wounds with us, perhaps, we will be graced with the ability to befriend our pain and then, to heal. 

Courage is the ability to move forward despite fear. Webster defines it as the attitude of facing and dealing with anything recognized as dangerous, difficult, or painful, instead of withdrawing from it, the quality of of being fearless or brave. 

How do we find it in the midst of emotional pain that we so very much want to brush aside so we can feel better? We make the decision that we will move forward to feel it, despite the pain it brings, believing that by doing so, we will feel better in the end. It is important to show ourselves great compassion while we feel the pain.

In my experience, this has been the case. Yet, it goes a bit further for me, and that involves bringing in a sacred force to share in that pain with me. I ask for the relief from my pain. It seems to work better when I do this.

Standing in the face of something which frightens you may lead you to want to run, and you may procrastinate the action. In those situations, pray for the courage to proceed and that may help you to move forward. Ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen?

Usually for me, it has to do with someone yelling or getting mad at me. Upon further inspection of this, I realize that is probably not going to happen; those are old messages and occurrences from childhood. I soothe that small child who is afraid to move forward and I consciously become the adult, able then to take action.

The origin of this verse and photo is interesting… I wrote the verse verbatim while I was traveling in Baja, Mexico in 2003. I was in acute emotional pain over an unrequited love, and I pulled over to the side of the road and sobbed, as I wrote the words you have read above.

Then, in 2005, I was traveling in the backroads of Colorado and found this gate, with the church in the background. The two fit together very nicely. So you see, the words were written way before I knew anything about the gate. That is the case with three-quarters of the verses and images in the book.

How do you answer the question what is courage? What does it look like for you? How do you find it in the midst of emotional pain when you don’t think you can go on? I invite you to share to be of use to others who are struggling.

I would like to preface this post with two things. When I say how to trust in God, I am using the term God to mean a power greater than yourself, and it can apply to any other source of deity that you choose. I also present what worked for me to begin to trust, and do not claim to have all the answers.

That said, let’s look at how to trust in God. I had great doubt about God off and on throughout my sobriety. Yet, a belief in a power greater than myself to keep me sober was essential. Trust for the simple things came easily, but there was still the element that I needed to watch my back.

Shadows of Doubt

The photo in the book for doubt shows the predominant side in the shadows. When we doubt God, I believe we are in the shadows, a murky and somewhat dismal place to be. In opposition, the other side of the gate is bathed in sunshine and is the place where we wish to go.

How do we get there? In my experience, I felt that God was punishing me when bad or negative things were happening. I didn’t get that job I so desperately needed; it must be that God was punishing me.

The amount of belief I had that God was punishing me was directly proportional to the amount of fear I had that I would be punished by another. This was directly related to the healing work I needed to do about having been punished while growing up, and I had a lot of healing to do around that issue.

Nonetheless, I struggled to trust, as I knew my sobriety depended upon it. My spiritual advisor gave me the following advice. For me, it worked and soon I discovered how to trust in God.

Every time I took action on something and then let the results go – in other words did not force results – and something glorious happened that was far beyond my expectation or desire, I was told to consider that that was God working in my life. 

I was skeptical, to say the least, but I did this anyway. What I soon discovered was that there were lots of little things happening to me that I did not orchestrate but that moved me along in my healing process. Things like, a healer for the PTSD from which I suffered just showed up on my path. I partook of her services and was healed from my PTSD.

Lots of these type things began to happen and I was noticing them all. After a period of about a year or two, I was realizing that I was trusting that God would do for me what I could not do for myself. I began to see God from the sunny side of the gate.

So, for me, it worked to notice all the things in my life that happened when I didn’t plan them or force them to happen. They occurred with grace. That is what I suggest you do to learn how to trust in God.

Do you currently trust in God? Did you struggle for that to occur? What worked for you to be able to trust? Leave a comment and help another to discover a method that works for them.