We continue to move on in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, as we work our way to sobriety and inner peace.

Acceptance of Self

We have come to Acceptance of Self. “Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

“Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws, and our spirit?”

I firmly believe that each of us has a truly delightful soul that has often become over-ridden by the hurt and pain we have endured throughout the course of our lives. Our response to these experiences is to close up, to protect ourselves, sometimes treating others or ourselves badly.

In the process of doing that, we forget that we have that delightful soul and spirit that awaits our recognition. Or, perhaps, we focus on our flaws and, so, see ourselves as “less than,” or unworthy.

At some point, we have to just give up, surrender, our negative thoughts about ourselves and celebrate our humanness – celebrate who we are in our soul. We have to gain acceptance of who we are. For in our soul is a good being, if only we can recognize this.

Our efforts need to be focused on our positive points. That is not to say we ignore our flaws, which we all have because we’re human. But we have in place a method for dealing with the hurts we cause others and ourselves through our flaws. It is the self-appraaisal which we discussed a few blogs back. We need to practice doing an appraisal and amends, as appropriate, on a daily basis.

Once we are clean with others, we turn our attention to ourselves. We forgive ourselves for our transgressions, and we just accept ourselves as we are. I say that like it’s easy, but it is not. The key is willingness to let go of our negative beliefs and treatment of ourselves, allowing that delightful spirit to emerge. We surrender to who we are at our core.

When we do these things, we will find a deep and abiding peace, and we will be that much more able to stay sober.

For today, allow your spirit, your soul, to emerge. Clean up ragged relationships with others and yourself. Then, just give up and accept yourself as you are, knowing that, in your soul, you are a valuable human being.

As we travel on in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to forgiveness. I shall talk about how to forgive, a way I discovered that worked on a 40-year resentment against others from my childhood.

Tiers of Forgiveness

Before sobriety, I spent most of my life angry at others for their mistreatment of me as a child. I drank heavily over it, and spent much time blaming them for my misery.

Then, once sober, I was conducting a self-appraisal, and I realized that I had done to my husband and other men in my life the very same thing that another had done to me… called me worthless.

I was appalled, as I realized I had not meant that. I had said it because I had felt worthless about myself. I began to have compassion for the hurt being and mentally sick person I was in the moments that I said that.

Then I realized that if I had felt that about myself, maybe that other person did also. Maybe he called me worthless because he felt that about himself.

My compassion expanded to include him. From that, I was able to forgive and years of resentment began to melt away. For me, it occurred over time, in tiers, or stages.

Holding resentments is the number one thing that keeps us from maintaining our sobriety and finding peace. They keep us blaming others instead of taking responsibility for ourselves. In order to gain forgiveness, I suggest the following:

1. we identify the person(s) against whom we have a resentment
2. we identify the reason why we feel that resentment
3. then, we do a self-appraisal and ferret out times when we may have done the very same thing to others for which we resent the person identified in #1.
4. we are honest about this, and shine the spotlight on our behaviors and own them
5. chances exist that, at one point in life, we may have done the same thing that was done to us
6. we look at ourselves with compassion, recognizing our mental anguish at that time
7. then. we turn our attention to the one we resent and consider that they were feeling mental anguish like we did
8. we see that person(s) as a sick individual at the point in time that they harmed us
9. we extend our compassionto include the object of our resentment
10. in stages, or tiers, we allow for forgiveness to this mentally unbalanced person

In my experience, this is my way of how to forgive. For today, try this exercise and see if it gives you some relief from your resentments. Let us know what happens by leaving a comment, so we can all learn from what you found.

“What is kindness?” is perhaps a question we want to ask ourselves more frequently. I say this because I overhear people speaking to each other in an unkindly manner all-too-often.

Curls of Kindness

What IS kindness? According to Webster, it is nothing more than being sympathetic, generous, friendly, gentle, loving, tenderhearted, and affectionate. Sometimes, we are better at these ways of being to strangers than we are to those we have been with for a long time. I wonder why that is…

Perhaps, it is because we have grown tired of the relationship and the other person. Or, maybe it’s because we are feeling grumpy at the point in time that we are unkind and we think it’s okay to take it out on the one we love the most. Is that fair? Probably not…

So how do we prevent that? We learn about ourselves more, about our tendencies to blow up at another when we’re irritable, or not getting what we want. We do our self-appraisal and we make amends, when appropriate. We begin to consciously practice all the ways that Webster defines kindness, as I’ve listed above.

Then there is the issue of how we treat ourselves, which is often harsher than how we treat others. We call ourselves stupid, for example, when we make a mistake.

How do we practice kindness, you ask? The answer to that is that, perhaps, we don’t. But we can, simply by choosing to look at another with respect, tolerance, and love, so that kindness just naturally flows from that point. It may not be a simple matter for us to do that, in which case, we can work on that. It’s practice, not perfection.

What is kindness to ourselves and how do we practice that? First, we can begin to note our negative self-talk. Then, we fetch ourselves up shortly when we are talking to ourselves in an unkind manner. We remind ourselves that we want to treat ourselves differently – with more kindness. So, we replace the negative criticism with some compassion, perhaps, or we pay ourselves a compliment for what we DID do right or well. With practice, we can change our interior thought-world.

When we learn to be kinder to others and ourselves, we will have just that much more chance of getting and staying sober, and we will begin to feel more peace.

I just have one question and it happens to be the verse from my book which goes with the photo above. “If this is not the time to be kinder and gentler to each other and to ourselves, when will it be?” 

As we move further in our journey to sobriety and peace, the next topic discusses our morals, truth, and integrity.

Pillar of Strength

“Perhaps, rather than thinking I must make my morals, truth, and integrity match another’s, I can determine what resonates with my own heart. When it does, I have the strength of a pillar.”

In life, we often are swayed by another’s beliefs, especially if that person is domineering and we are retiring in response to that domination. Or, we adopt another’s morals, truth and integrity to fit in, to be liked.

That deviation from our own beliefs affects our soul, I believe, and when we exude our own morals, truth, and integrity, we have an inner strength, as strong as the pillar pictured above.

To determine if we are adopting another’s beliefs, we can ask ourselves the following questions:

• are we being what others want us to be?
• are we compromising who we are by doing that?
• can we feel how that is affecting our spirit?

Sometimes it is very difficult to develop and live out our own truths. I experienced that in my marriage because my husband was very insistent I buy into his morals. truths, and integrity. I did, because otherwise, an argument ensued. So, I did it to keep peace.

Finally, I was pulled from that relationship due to a love I had developed for another man. What a blessing that was, I can say in retrospect. At the time, however, I was devastated. That’s a whole other story…

We need to assess our safety when we speak out in belief of our truths. Are we in a safe environment, a safe relationship? Are we likely to get hit if we speak out on our behalf? If so, speaking up is not wise, so we then ask ourselves, can we get out of this relationship? To stay in such a union degrades our spirit and our soul, little-by-little, day-after-day. Is that what we want?

Being moral is what is good and right in our conduct; it is making the distinction between right and wrong. Integrity is the state of being of sound moral principle, being upright, honest, and sincere. It is the quality of being whole and sound.

When we find ourselves speaking our truths, we will feel our words resonating with our heart and this is how we will know we are practicing our own morals, truth, and integrity. That is when we will be our strongest, our most whole. We can take that strength into our daily lives.

Do you practice your own morals, truth, and integrity? Is it safe for you to do so? If not, can you leave the relationship? If it is safe, can you gain the courage to speak out with your beliefs, to act upon your own morals, truth, and integrity? For today, try speaking up with your own beliefs. See how freeing that feels.

Yesterday, we talked about how to show compassion to others. Today, we shall talk about how to turn that compassion toward ourselves. Remember, our goals are sobriety and inner peace. And, I’d like to add the goal of gaining a balance in our lives.

We always do the best we know how at any given moment, with the tools and knowledge we have at that time. Always. Therefore, when we do something for which we are not proud, or something hurtful to another that we regret, we can stop and remind ourselves of this.

Instead of beating ourselves up or feeling remorse, we can look at ourselves with compassion. We can understand that we did the best we could, and vow to change our behavior in similar situations in the future. This does not condone or excuse the hurtful things we do; we still need to apologize and then change our behavior.

But we can soften how we see ourselves, and not harshly criticize. Harsh criticism gets us nowhere except into shame. Shame gets us nowhere except into a negative space, and that is detrimental for us. Remember, we did the best we knew how to do at that moment. If we knew better, we would have done better.

Life is filled with lessons. Instead of looking at things as failures on our part, we can instead look at all situations as learning experiences, ones from which we can grow and heal. I believe that’s why we are presented with difficult situations – to learn, grow, and heal.

A word of caution about self-pity. It is detrimental and fuels our desire to drink away that for which we are pitying ourselves. Self-pity excuses our responsibility to see ourselves with honesty, to make amends, and keeps us blaming others for our transgressions. Beware of self-pity; it is toxic for us.

Today, practice viewing yourself with compassion. Consider yourself a wounded individual and acknowledge those wounds. Realize that that’s why you were unkind or unloving to another or yourself. Apply compassion, which is nothing more than sympathy, and see how your self-talk softens. You will feel more love for yourself, which will ward off the temptation and desire to drink about what you did or said, and you will know more peace.

As we travel through my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, the next topic is compassion.

I put compassion after gentleness because compassion is another behavior we want to cultivate in our dealings with others and ourselves. If we practice compassion and gentleness, we will go a long way toward our goals of staying sober and finding peace.

Webster defines compassion as sorrow or deep sympathy for the sufferings or troubles of another, often accompanied by a desire to help. It also says compassion is pity for the person, but I disagree with this. I think that to show pity for another is to degrade and negate them as beings.

Pity differs from compassion in that it sometimes is accompanied by contempt because the object of our pity is regarded as weak or inferior. At least, that’s what Webster said when I looked up pity. People do not want our pity, but they may welcome our compassion. 

How do we show compassion? In the book, the verse talks about my dealing with a homeless man and my inability to acknowledge him because I did not have money to give to him. I was ashamed that I couldn’t even smile, or give a nod of acknowledgment. After all, each of us wants nothing more than to be acknowledged for our difficulties. It offers validation for our pain and suffering.

Fields of Compassion

In the book, the verse goes on to say, “All it would take is a look, a smile, to let this man know I care about him, feel his plight, want to help. I can offer a fellow human being a smile, a hand, and fill a vacant field with compassion.” 

To show compassion, we can say to the person something like, “I’m sorry you are needing to deal with this.” That offers acknowledgment and validation for his/her pain. It often is all that is needed for the person to continue on in their grieving process.

We can also ask, “How can I be of help to you?” if we are, in fact, willing to help in some way. Another way to show compassion is through silent means, such as donating something that will help another, such as food or money.

The point is that we get out of ourselves and offer something we have in excess, whether that be our time, our sympathy, a shoulder to cry on, or money.

How do you show compassion to one who is suffering? Do you look away or do your reach out to them? Just for today, try to offer condolences to someone who is suffering and see how it benefits both them and you. 

Tomorrow, I will talk about ways in which we can show compassion to ourselves.

As we move forward in the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, our next topic is gentleness. Remember, we are trying to stay sober and are working our way to inner peace. Gentleness is very important as we work toward these goals.

Bed of Gentleness

“Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

What do I mean by gentleness? I mean we do not beat ourselves up or reproach ourselves for what we find when we do our self performance appraisal. Instead, we see ourselves as human beings who are fallible, who have a dark side.

Gentleness is not an excuse to pardon our hurtful words and actions, however, and, as discussed yesterday, we make amends to those we have hurt. That includes making amends to ourselves.

Instead, we talk gently to ourselves, with kind and understanding words. Once we are able to do this, our gentleness will spill over into our dealings with others, and we will be gentle with them as well.

When we are gentle, we will find ourselves able to look at our emotional pain in a different light. We will be less inclined to blame ourselves or others, perhaps, because we are looking with eyes that are not as harsh.

Take some time today and reflect upon how you speak to yourself and others. Ask yourself if your words and actions are filled with gentleness. If they are not, then try to adopt that task for the day. I think you will find it easier to look at yourself when you are gentle.

Performing a self performance appraisal is nothing more than looking at yourself with new eyes and heart. It is more of what we discussed when we talked about honesty. It is the most important thing we must do in order to stay sober and to find inner peace.

Such is our topic-of-the-day as we continue to move through my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. How do we do this? What are we looking to find? Our intention is to look at our behaviors and actions with others, as well as ways in which we treat and think about ourselves.

To do this, we start with a pad of paper and a pen/pencil, and we sit in a comfortable place, free of distractions. We begin with present day, or we start with our earliest memories. Either way, we slowly recall our interactions with others that were destructive and hurtful to them, and we write those down.

Then, we look at our positive interactions and write down our loving and kind actions. When this is complete, we do the same thing with ourselves, meaning, we look at ways in which we treated ourselves poorly and positively, again writing down what we discover. This is a lengthy process and often is done over a span of time.

Search of Self

Do not be discouraged with what you find. We all have our light and our dark side, our sunlight and our shadows. But we are looking for that shining knob, deep within, that is our inner-most self. It exists for all of us; it’s just a matter of finding it.

When we are done, we will have four lists – one each of our kind and loving thoughts and actions for ourselves and others, and one each of our unkind and negative treatment of ourselves and others.

With these, we take the list of negative actions toward others and we examine it. We determine to whom we owe an apology, and we set about doing just that. Furthermore, we vow to try and not repeat those behaviors which hurt others.

Then, we look at our list of the loving and kind things we have done for others, and then the same list for ourselves. We recognize in our heart the good side of ourselves, and we acknowledge that side.

Recognizing our positive side, we next look at the list of negative things we tell ourselves about ourselves, and we apologize to ourselves, again vowing to not repeat those behaviors in the future.

When we are done with this process, we have a clean slate, so-to-speak, from which to live. This process will help immensely in our efforts to stay sober and it will definitely pave the way for inner peace.

Now that we know how to complete a self performance appraisal, we do it on an ongoing basis, correcting our behaviors and thoughts when indicated. I hope you enjoy the newly-felt peace you feel when you have completed this!

Today’s topic as we continue through the book Opening the Gates of the Heart : A Journey of Healing is commitment to the journey.

Commitment of Journey

We see the stairs in the image, ascending, beckoning us to climb. The verse that accompanies this photograph is “Each step leads further in my journey, offering repeated opportunity to examine myself, my life – the leaves that have fallen, the leaves that will fall, and the buds yet to form.”

This portion of the verse suggests that we show commitment to the journey by continually looking at ourselves and our life, noting past and present circumstances and events, while remaining open to future situations that we can examine as they occur. 

We just notice; we do not judge. Instead, we assess our behavior and actions, our thoughts and beliefs. Are they kind and loving, compassionate and tolerant? We look with honesty and an open heart and mind, both of which we have previously elected to practice in order to keep us sober.

Then, we commit to the journey despite hard times that may come, for they shall come. That is just how life is. It presents us with difficulties from which we can learn and grow.

“Once begun, I commit to the climb, for despite rocky and smooth times that I will encounter, the journey’s reward is in each blossom and each leaf along the way.”

What do I mean by the second stanza of the verse, that the journey’s reward is in each blossom and leaf along the way? I mean that it is the simple things that occur in our lives that are the rewards as we travel through life. We will find great pleasure in noticing the blossoms and leaves as we journey.

There is no “destination,” no end point to which we travel, other than death. Rather, if we notice the small and simple things that occur in our lives on a continual basis, we will gain fulfillment. We just have to make a commitment to the journey.

How do you demonstrate commitment to the journey? Do you notice the leaves and blossoms along the way, or are you hurrying too fast, on your way to a destination that when you get there, leaves you feeling empty and incomplete? I would suggest you slow down and notice the little things that abound all around you. That will further your goal of reaching peace of mind. That will help to keep you sober. 

Key of Willingness

The power of willingness is quite strong. All it takes is enough willingness to open the door a little bit, so that the power of the Universe, our higher power, can go to work on our behalf.  It is the size of a keyhole, willingness is.

And what is our willingness for? About what are we showing willingness?

We are demonstrating willingness to be honest, to act with an open heart and mind. We need willingness to be humble, to act with courage. Willingness to examine our emotions and feelings can help us heal and find peace.

In sobriety, it is most crucial that we have willingness to believe in a power greater than ourselves. That power will help us out, will act on our behalf to keep us sober.

We have already demonstrated that we cannot will ourselves to stay sober; the force of wanting to drink is too strong for us alone. So, we invite in that sacred force to help us, to do things in our life that we have been unable to do.

How do we develop willingness? Well, we make our mind up to be willing. It’s just as simple as making up our mind to be so. Once we open that door a crack, it is flung wide by that power greater than ourselves. Or the door inches its way open. Either way, more willingness will develop from our meager attempts to be willing.

The bottom line is, it takes just a little willingness to get the ball rolling. So go ahead, be willing. See all the ways in which you can be willing in your life. I can almost guarantee you’ll be pleased with the results!

Good morning, and Happy New Year to you! I hope it holds all the wonder you wish for. Yesterday, I got totally immersed in a project and forgot to blog until evening. Oh, dear. Moving forward this morning, we will continue on through the book, discussing an approach to life which involves having an open heart and mind.

Openness of Heart

“We spend our lives behind the barriers of a closed gate, protected from the hurt and pain that might come to us.

“If we allow our hearts to open, we will see things in a different light.

“We will grow through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life.”

We start closed up, protecting ourselves and our heart. This is in response to being hurt before, so we have learned, right? Well, to maintain sobriety, we need to become open, to let love flow freely back and forth.

Not only do we want to open our heart, we want to open our mind to all that is being shown to us, to all that is coming our way. This paves the way to inner peace, which is our objective, our goal.

Often, we have contempt prior to investigation and this is what we want to do differently in sobriety. As sober people, we want to be open to new ideas, others’ thoughts, and what others have to say to us. We consider these things instead of scoffing. We look with wonder at what is being presented to us. This helps lead us to peace.

With our open mind, we clear our heart and consider things with a fresh approach, a fresh heart, one which sees things with awe and wonder. It is a decision we make, just a simple decision, and then we practice being open, both in mind and heart. The rewards of this decision are immense.

We look with honesty at our mind, our heart. Are we open to new ideas and thoughts that others present, or are we closed and have our mind made up before listening to another? Is our heart closed to protect us from hurt and pain? We consider opening it to allow feelings to flow freely in and out of our heart. When we do these two things, we pave the way for peace to come in.

May you  be graced with the ability to open your heart, your mind, and may some peace flow in.

If you didn’t get a chance to read Stan Stewart’s great guest posts, you may wish to take the opportunity to do so. Day one was about “Feelings Are Energy in Motion” and day two was “Shame and Humility.”  They are well worth reading.

As we move on through the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, we come to honesty. I used to think I was an honest person; I didn’t steal from or cheat others. But in sobriety, I learned that honesty has to do with what I tell the world about myself, as well as how I treat others.

Welds of Honesty

“I look at the ways in which I treat myself and others. Can I allow myself and others to  see what I find, to see who I truly am?

“Perhaps, if I let go of the parts that do not serve me, I can weld my being with honesty. I can weld a secure and solid structure of great strength on which I can build my Self.”

That is the verse which accompanies this image. It suggests that we look at ourselves closely, examining how we treat others and ourselves, and we allow others to see what we find. In addition, we allow ourselves to see what we discover about us.

It also suggests that we become stronger when we drop those things about ourselves that are not honest, that do not serve us.

The part I’d like to note is how we allow the world to see who we are. We often hide that, hide behind a facade of politeness, or gruffness. This verse asks that we stop doing that, that we allow those around us to see ourselves as we truly are, with all our warts and beauty alike.

This can be very difficult, especially if we are trying to protect ourselves form hurt which we may have experienced in the past. We often feel vulnerable when we are honest about our feelings, our thoughts, and it IS a frightening place to be.

But with practice and venturing forth in sobriety, we learn to show more honesty about who we are at our deepest level. In this process, however, we use discernment about who is safe to say things to. For example, if we are around someone who is verbally abusive, bullying, intimidating, or belittling, it is not in our best interest to relay some of our thoughts. In these cases, we keep our thoughts to ourselves and we try to remove ourselves from this destructive situation.

Most people will receive what we have to say. It may be uncomfortable at first, but we keep practicing honesty with others about who we are.

We also look with honesty at how we treat others and we swallow our pride while we do this, as we may not treat them very well. But we need to look at this also, in order to develop honesty.

How do you practice honesty with yourself and others? Do you allow them to see the delightful parts of yourself. or do you remain closed, keeping that delightful being to yourself?

Welcome to my blog. Yesterday and today we welcome guest blogger Stan Stewart, who is talking about humility, the next topic in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. 

…continued from yesterday’s introduction…

Besides fear, for me the most immobilizing feeling is shame. At least it feels that way.

When I feel shame, my most common expression of it is to hang my head and do nothing. Well, “doing nothing” is relative. What I do is judge myself or distract myself internally — usually with numbness.

I’m sure that shame could have kept me from embarassment or worse when I was younger. Suffice it to say that as an adult, shame does me no good.

When I re-discovered humility in spiritual readings recently, I had an epiphany that being humble looked similar to shame in some ways — at least on the surface. Both are about how “OK” I think I am. The step to humility is about realizing that I don’t need to think of myself as great in order to be okay.

The major difference is that shame and blame are so often tied together. If I think I’m being blamed (or judged, questioned, etc.), I may respond by feeling shame. This means that there is an external connection that I’m making to the catalyst for the shame. Ironically, while thinking that I’m being blamed, I then blame that same source for shaming me. So shame is other directed.

Humility, on the other hand, has an internal source — and I’m thinking that “internal” can include self and divine influences. I am humble when I determine that I do not have to puff myself up in a situation or I am inspired (i.e., spirit has a hand in it) to address a situation with whatever I can bring to it, but without assuming that I am what the situation needs.

Said another way, when I come with attentive patience, I am humble.

My realization allowed me to see shame and humility as opposite sides of the same coin. When shame threatens to numb me out, I can invite humility as a spiritual practice to keep the questions internal, remove blame and accept responsibility. Time will tell how well I will be able to embrace this humble place.

May your shame be engulfed in humility in a way that comforts your inner child and welcomes the fullness of your adult to engage in the world.

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Guest blogger, Stan Stewart, is a musician, teacher, and technologist. As a certified InterPlay leader and lover of improvised music, Stan teaches and seeks integration of the whole self — experiencing body/mind/spirit as a whole rather than split parts of self — in the present moment.

He says, “What is happening for all of me right now is what I have to work with. I do my best to seek the kind of awareness that will allow me to experience and use all that’s available to me in this moment; and that can inspire me creatively and in my service to the world.”

Carolyn and Stan met on Twitter and now take their connection to the blogosphere with this guest post.

Guest blogger, Stan Stewart, is a musician, teacher, and technologist. As a certified InterPlay leader and lover of improvised music, Stan teaches and seeks integration of the whole self — experiencing body/mind/spirit as a whole rather than split parts of self — in the present moment.

He says, “What is happening for all of me right now is what I have to work with. I do my best to seek the kind of awareness that will allow me to experience and use all that’s available to me in this moment; and that can inspire me creatively and in my service to the world.”

Carolyn and Stan met on Twitter and now take their connection to the blogosphere with this guest post.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about “translating fear into creative energy“. It probably would have been more precise to call it “translating fear energy into creativity”. In that post, I said that — for me — feelings are energy in motion. This energy can then be used/ translated/ transformed into either positive or negative output (behavior).

Carolyn kindly commented on that post and expressed concern that calling for transformation of the emotional energy could be seen as calling for getting over the feeling. I fully understood her concern, so I started to reflect more on how to allow the feelings to “be” while also not becoming stuck in them.

I would definitely say that feelings should not be ignored or denied. They should be felt and acknowledged. For me, transforming them is a way of being attentive to my feelings.

Since my knee-jerk reactions so often turn emotions into what I later would label negative behavior, I proposed a way to help produce a positive output instead. I’ve had some success with this method and that’s why I wanted to share it. I also prefer creative over destructive outcomes, so I shared it for that reason as well. Part of the backdrop of my post is that I have a judgment that I — like many creative people — can become stuck in fear — or other emotions, like shame — and that this stuckness is not the optimal place for creativity. Creative work requires movement.

…more tomorrow…

We have talked about emotions – facing and feeling them. It takes spaces of courage to face the demons those emotions present. We have also talked about belief in a power greater than ourselves that can help us dispel those demons. I would like to share the verse that accompanies the image for courage, as it speaks to both issues.

Spaces of Courage

“We all hold feelings, of hurt, disappointment, grief and despair deep within from which we desperately seek relief. We repress it, drink it away, or turn to another to make it right.

“Perhaps, rather than cast the paiin out of our heart or give it to another, it would be better to find the courage to touch that oh-so-vulnerable spot, to hold the pain tenderly, gently… with great compassion.

“If we find the courage to invite in a sacred force to embrace those deep wounds with us, perhaps we will be graced with the ability to befriend our pain and then, to heal.”

This verse was written verbatim when I was traveling in Baja in 2002. I was driving along, sobbing over an unrequited love, and pulled off to the side of the road to write this down. Years later, in 2005, I discovered this church and its gate. The words fit perfectly with the image.

In those intervening years, I had gained the courage to face my emotions, the deep and horrible hurt that I experienced. And although they didn’t resolve right away, I asked for help from the powers of the Universe to help me get through the hurt. Eventually, I was healed from the hurts and was able to move forward. That took courage, which I got from that power greater than me.

We can find the courage to examine our inner-most emotional pain by asking for help from the Universe, God, or whatever we call the power greater than us. In this example, that power led me through the healing needed to cleanse my heart of the wounds it housed.

They say courage is moving forward in the face of fear. I have found that to be true in sobriety. In those situations where I am fearful and move forward anyway, I always ask for and receive help from my higher power. The result of finding the courage to face my emotions has paid off big time, as I have healed most all of my wounds at a deep level, leaving feelings of joy and peace.

You, too, can find the courage to face your emotional wounds and heal from them, rather than repressing your emotions, drinking them away, or turning to another to make them right. Try following what is described in the verse above, and see if it helps. I wish you well in that endeavor.

Tomorrow I welcome guest blogger Stan Stewart, who will present a two-part blog about humility, the next topic in the book. Please join me in welcoming Stan!

Shadows of Doubt

“I am mired again in the shadows of my doubt, my fear. I circle and circle and circle around the stones of my heart, caged, unable to pass through to the place where my heart is bathed in light.”

Today, we are dealing with doubt. Specifically for me, it was the doubt of a power greater than myself, doubt in the existence of God. Yesterday, we talked about belief in a higher power when we talked about trust. But our discussion can relate to doubt of anything.

For example, perhaps you doubt that sobriety is the route for you to take. You are the only one that can make that decision. If you doubt that you need to quit drinking, look at how it’s affecting your life.

Maybe you are functional, and still able to work, able to function in life. If that’s the case, then look at your private life for signs that alcohol is not working for you and, in fact, is causing strife in personal relationships or in your emotional life.

It is tempting to say, “That relationship is bad because they did this or that, they are this or that…” If that’s your excuse, it’s time to fetch yourself up and look at your own behavior. Do you drink and then have experiences which lead to another doing this or that? Perhaps they are reacting to you in your drinking mode. Look at it honestly. We’ll discuss honesty in more detail tomorrow.

Meanwhile, if you have doubts that sobriety is for you, let me just say that most of us who have gotten sober were so beaten down that sobriety was the only answer. In other words, those of us who have gotten sober had no doubt that sobriety was needed because we’d lost everything. Perhaps, if you look at it closely, you can elect to get sober without having to lose everything in your life. 

When doubt arises, allow it to become conscious, and look at it as objectively as possible. Realize that it is normal human behavior. But keep your eye on the light beyond the gate, where the stones are bathed in light. Look at the part of your heart and soul where shadows lurk.

Make the determination that you don’t wish to live in the shadows, and pass through to the side of light. Perhaps, you notice your shadows in your heart, your spirit, your soul. There is a way out of that. It’s called sobriety. After a few years of being sober, I was able to dispel the shadows in my heart, spirit and soul because I had healed emotionally. That healing was a direct result of becoming and staying sober.

You, too, can heal your emotional wounds, your personal relationships, and live in the light. The choice is yours. I wish you well in that decision.

Offer of Trust

Today we shall talk about trust in a power greater than yourself. Believing in this is crucial to getting and staying sober, because we proved to ourselves that we couldn’t stay sober on our own, under our own will power.

Some of you may have a belief in such a power, call it the Universe, God, Buddha, etc. Some of you may have had this belief from childhood, and some of you may be angry at that higher power because it let you down, and so you don’t believe.

When I came to sobriety, I had just read the book Conversations With God. From that, I developed the belief that it was possible there was a God and I looked at everything as having God in it. That helped me get sober.

As I developed further sobriety, however, that belief became very difficult and, in fact, disappeared. I felt I could trust God so far, and then I had to watch my own back. So, I had no faith that He would watch over me and protect me.

Then a dear friend and spiritual advisor suggested that I pay attention to the little things in my life that were turning out well, things that I did not try to accomplish. She said to notice things that fell into play with little or no effort. She said that was God working in my life.

So, I started noticing and soon I realized there was time after time that my life was being moved forward with little or no effort on my part. Things just seemed to appear when I most needed them. Slowly, I began to believe that could be God.

By doing this over time, I developed the belief that God is, in fact, watching my back, that God is present in my life. I was able to relax, and that feeling was freeing and peaceful.

It matters not what the power greater than yourself is, it just matters that you have something that you trust is guiding you and your life. This power will help keep you sober when you are struggling to do so on your own. It will help you with healing emotional pain.

All you have to do is trust. Try to let go of preconceived beliefs if they are not working for you, and watch the little things in your life that fall into place easily. Believe that is your higher power, working on your behalf. Before you know it, you will have developed trust.   

Today we’re going to talk about awareness of all that is wondrous around and within you. I call it a birth of awareness, because it happens over time and it can be painful, yet, the result is beautiful and well worth it.

Birth of Awareness

The first step toward developing awareness is to acknowledge our feelings, which includes, but is not limited to, hurt, anger, sorrow, and sadness. Then we make the decision to turn our attention to the lushness beyond the gates of our heart.

It usually follows that we begin to notice our surroundings first – the beauty of the simple things right in front of us. We focus on the beauty we find, keenly developing awareness of more and more that exists in our world.

Once we notice our surroundings, we are more able to go inside and notice bits and pieces of ourselves that are beautiful also. We take note of those, ever-expanding the discovery of ourselves.

This awareness that we develop is always growing. Once we begin to take note of the simple things around and within us, we cannot help but become even more aware as time goes on. We recognize the depth of all that exists in our world.

As we become more sober and the fog begins to lift, we begin to wonder about the origin of it all. Call it the Universe, or God, or Buddha, we begin to wonder if there is a power greater than ourselves that is behind all that we behold.

So, our developing awareness expands to include that which is bigger than us. This is a crucial step in getting and remaining sober. We have proven to ourselves that we cannot get and stay sober through our will power, and we have come to the realization that we are powerless about dealing with our addiction.

We gingerly become more and more aware of this greater power in our lives. We hold it up for inspection and we examine it logically, but there is no logic which can explain all that we are discovering. It just “is.”  This fact makes it even more awesome.

Now that we are developing awareness around and within us, life takes on new meaning. We want to remain sober to continue experiencing the awe and wonder we feel.  Do you feel it? Do you experience that awe and wonder? If you do, then you are on your way to experiencing a birth of awareness.

Today let’s talk about the gift that we receive when we give up, when we surrender. This is the next topic in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

Surrender of Pretense

“I put on a courageous face and move bravely forward, but I feel lost and displaced. My heart, dies, one piece at a time behind a gate that rusts away.”  Such is the beginning of the verse that accompanies this photo.

We get to a point where we are no longer able to maintain the pretense that all is fine behind our gate of false bravado and politeness. In essence, we need to give up, to surrender. 

What we are trying to do, remember, is to find inner peace. We are trying to remain sober amid all the pain and hurt we feel.

The thought of giving up trying to juggle all the “balls” in our life is terrifying, I will admit. What will become of us if we just let go, if we give up? 

In my case, it led to sobriety. I was so beaten down emotionally that I could not function – could not feed myself, lost touch with reality. All I could do was drink and cry.

I remember one night feeling especially bereft, and I turned my face to the sky, begging that power some call God to help me. The next thing I knew, I was headed  from the Bay Area to San Diego to become sober with a friend.

I had given up. I could no longer keep that front up that I was fine because I was definitely not fine. I had severe emotional problems and my drinking was out of control. The rejection by the man I deeply loved was the catalyst for all sorts of past hurts and pains to come to the surface. Now I know they were rearing their ugly head for me to look at and to heal.

It is not pleasant to have to face our demons. We especially do not want to let go of the one thing that has been our friend, helping to numb out the pain of old wounds – alcohol. Even if you are not consciously aware of drinking to numb out, if you’re having problems because of your drinking, chances are that you are numbing out old hurts or things you have experienced that are just too painful to face.

My fear of letting go and surrendering was that I would find I was nothing, that what I had been told all my life was true – I was worthless and no good.  What I found instead was a community of people, all trying to get sober, who welcomed me with open arms. 

“Won’t I lose control if I let go?” you may ask. If we surrender, we will find that we are caught in the arms of those who have experienced similar things to what we have experienced, and we find support and solace from them.

It is safe to let go, to surrender. It is a necessary step on the way to finding inner peace. 

Good morning. Today I will deal with getting past sorrow and despair. In the book, they are separate topics, yet, today I am combining them as they often go hand-in-hand.

Face of Despair

Sorrow is defined by Webster as a mental suffering or anguish caused by loss, disappointment, or regret. It can include grief, which is a more intense anguish related to a specific misfortune or disaster.

When experiencing sorrow and/or grief, one’s thoughts can get to those of despair, defined as being without hope, being hopeless. All of these emotions are quite debilitating and, in my case, were accompanied by depression.

Sorrow and despair left me with no will to live and, in fact, I was praying to God to let me die, as I felt there was no purpose to the pain I had endured during my life-time, that my experiences were just a torment to me.

When one feels these emotions, it is a common tendency to want to numb the feelings by drinking, eating, shopping, or various other activities that we do obsessively. This only enhances the sorrow and despair.

In my case, I felt the sorrow and despair into my sobriety, up until I was about five years sober. At that point, I had an experience that dispelled both of these emotions. I had the opportunity to discover my purpose in life, and I felt needed, valued, and  that my experiences were valuable to others.

Quite by accident, I realized I could help others by relaying my story. Suddenly, my life had meaning and purpose. I no longer felt that deep hopelessness that is characteristic of despair. I no longer felt sorrow and grief over my life.

I was not able to do this alone. I sought counseling, took medication for my depression, and joined a support group to deal with my drinking issues. Then I set about the arduous and scary task of looking at my emotions and dealing with them. I started to take responsibility for my healing.

If you are feeling sorrow and grief from a loss of something or someone in your life, know that there are stages you will go through before you gain peace. Allow those stages occur; don’t fight them. Know that you are working your way to eventual peace.

It may be frightening for you to face your emotions; be gentle with yourself as you look. Most importantly, get help. Talk to someone – a trusted friend, clergy, a therapist.

As you deal with your sorrow and it lessens, despair will also diminish. Most of all, stick with it through the tough times, for your life has value to others in your world. We each have value in one way or another. It is up to you to discover what your value is. This will happen naturally as a result of dealing with these difficult emotions.

I wish you well as you deal with getting past sorrow and despair. Remember that your life has value. Know that eventually you will get to the bottom of your emotions and life will begin to turn around. Commit to yourself to stick with it, and ask for help from others and the divine forces of the Universe. Remember, you are working toward finding inner peace. 

We move through the book to the second topic – feelings of worthlessness. Webster defines it as to be without worth or merit, useless, of no value.

To have worth, it is your quality that lends importance, value, and merit. It is measured by the esteem in which you are held by others.

Corner of Worthlessness

Feeling worthless is not a comfortable place to be. When I used to feel that way, I felt like a pile of rubbish in a corner… a heap of debris.

Why do we feel worthless? It comes from being told so or shown we are not valued. In my case, I was repeatedly told I was not worth anything, so I began to believe that.

Perhaps the actions of someone in your life translate to you that you are not valued, have no merit. As much as is possible, do not let their actions get you down.

It is hard to get past feelings of worthlessness, yet, it is possible. One way is to do esteem-able acts. Do something nice for someone else. Not only do they appreciate it, but you will feel self-worth for your actions. Keep doing that, over and over. 

Reflect on how you came to feel worthless in the first place. If it was because of being told that, then consider the source and what they were experiencing.

For example, I realized that I did the very same thing to my boy friends that was done to me. I used to get drunk and scream at them that they were worthless. When I remembered that in sobriety, I was horrified! I realized I was saying it because I felt that way about myself.

Hmmm. Perhaps the person that told me I was worthless said that to me because they actually felt it about themselves. That was the corner I turned to start to come out of feeling worthless. Still, though, it is one thing to wrap your mind around a “cure” and another to get your heart and soul in alignment with what your mind is telling you.

What really cinched it for me was the discovery of my purpose in life, or what I consider to be my purpose. Once I figured that out, I felt worthwhile, I felt I had something of value  to give others, and my feelings of worthlessness dissipated. Very occasionally, I go to that place when things are discouraging for me, yet I don’t stay long in that space because I remind myself of my purpose and why I’m here.

I hope that you, too, can conquer these feelings of worthlessness. Maybe the examples of how I recovered from feelings of worthlessness will help you.

It is not necessary to feel them and the fact is, we are each valuable and worthy in our own way. Believe that for it is a Truth. Each of us has a unique gift to give the world. It is just a matter of finding it. I wish you well.

To continue… For those of you new to the blog, here’s what’s happening. I am talking about each topic in the book I wrote called Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. I talk about the topics in sequence of their order in the book; there are forty-two topics.

Webs of Fear

I am then taking each topic and discussing it in relation to living in sobriety. Today, it is a continuation of Dealing With Fear In Sobriety. I hope what I write has merit to you non-problem drinkers.

There is another way to deal with FEAR other than what has been discussed, and it is “Screw” (you get the idea) Everything And Run. This is the method I most practiced when I was drinking.

Actually, my whole life I’ve been practicing this, keeping myself quiet so I wasn’t noticed. Not wanting to start controversy. Keeping the feelings of hurt and pain at bay. It was my method of dealing with the pain and hurt I felt in my soul. I was miserable deep inside.

But I’m not like that now. Now, my heart and soul are filled with light. I owe it to becoming sober, to all that have helped me throughout my recovery, to some force greater than me. The thing is, I did not do it alone.

There is help out there for those of us who are avoiding things and running, and drinking heavily over it. Even if you have not developed a drinking problem, help is available if you have difficulty with running from your emotions and it has led to misery. Others have been there, too. We know what it’s like. You are not alone.

Look at the ways in which we drink or shop or eat, for example, to avoid and numb things. With drinking, we call it partying, being social, but when it reaches the proportion of having repeated hangovers, for example, it’s a warning sign, perhaps, that the alcohol is ruling your life too much. You are consuming more than your body can tolerate. Take heed from one who lived like that for twenty-seven of her forty-eight years… it’s not necessary to be miserable in life. It starts with dealing with fear in sobriety.

FEAR has also been called an acronym for “Face Everything And Recover.” Once we look at the fear we have and examine what’s behind it, we can move forward. With the light of day shined on it, the fear seems to lessen. This is called recovery. If we deal with our fear in sobriety, we begin to feel some peace. 

Tomorrow, the topic is worthlessness. I invite you to join me.

As an addition to yesterday’s post, I’d like to point out that me worrying about whether you would find me stupid for what I blogged was worrying about the future. I didn’t have my mind on the present. That takes practice, remembering to be in the moment, yet it’s an excellent tool for dealing with our fear in sobriety, and ultimately brings us much peace and serenity.

Back to the continuation of yesterday’s topic, the old hurts and wounds behind why being called stupid bothers me… It’s based upon repeatedly being called stupid about everything I did and thought. It was the past, will not change, and was not the truth. I tell myself these things. So do I need to say “get over it and move on?” There are many who say just that.

I am not one of them because that didn’t work for me. That is what I drank heavily over – to hide the feelings associated with the hurts. I believe we do disservice to one who is struggling emotionally and is stuck, repeating the same thing again and again, when we say “get over it and move on.” It does not acknowledge their pain, their grief, and they feel alone in the world in their misery with no hope for improvement.

On the other hand, it gets difficult to listen to over and over again over a long period of time, when we have seen no action taken on the part of that person to deal with their pain. Maybe they are drinking heavily, and we’re focused on that.

The thing is, I think we can gently acknowledge the suffering person’s pain by saying we know it exists and it is valid. And now it’s time to look forward, we gently say. We then can encourage any action they take to get past their pain, however small.

This is especially true for somone who has elected to get sober, as that is the beginning of being responsible for their wound healing, even though they will probably be totally unaware of that.

So, pardon the digression, but I wanted to say that… Back to the issue of the wound’s origin. I need to look at the situation from a different angle, with the new eyes of a 59 year old sober woman instead of a 10 year old scared child. When I do that, I realize something important. It was said by a man whose view of the world was narrow. I think about this a long while, and I feel it in my heart, my soul.

I discover I can, and do, have compassion and sadness for that man, because he misses out on so much. I have been graced with that compassion, and, over time, it has led me to forgiveness.

The thing is, I got to this place of acceptance, peace, compassion, and forgiveness by getting and staying sober. We saw an example of growth in sobriety by dealing with false evidence appearing real, and now we see another way of dealing with fear in sobriety, looking at the old story with new eyes, the eyes of the heart.

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to choose the other way, the new way, because that brings me serenity, that brings me peace.

Tomorrow, another way of dealing with fear in sobriety.

Here I sit with the topics in the book over, and I am undecided. Do I restart the book right away? That would mean we’d start with fear, and then four difficult emotions and I’m not sure I want to do downer topics before the pulling-yourself-out-of-it topics begin.

Yet again, there may be those who are feeling those emotions in the holiday season  It might be helpful for them to read something about fear, worthlessness, sorrow, and despair.

If I don’t restart the book during the rest of the season, I am in a quandary, for I have no clue what I’d write about. I smile as I say this, because I recognize I have relied upon the book to give me my topics, and my images. Not that that’s a bad thing…

After all, I am writing about the book to convey the journey, the process, in the hopes that it will be useful to us and help bring us to peace.

And as I sit here thinking, my mind wanders to the fact that I am fearful to stray from the book’s topics. You may find what I say stupid, after all, like I have no clue what I’m talking about. Hmmm. The book seems to have started itself on its own accord, so I’m going to follow this thought process of dealing with fear in sobriety. Even those of you not in recovery may find this interesting.

Feeling stupid is something with which I have struggled my entire life, and continue to do so. I try to catch myself when I’m beginning to feel stupid and change my thought pattern. But I still go there initially… As far as not knowing what I’m talking about, I remind myself that all I can do is relay my experiences and general observations about life. It is then up to you to determine what you think or feel about what I have to say.

The thing is, what you think about me is none of my business, as long as I am honest and kind in what I say. And, you might not even have been thinking I was stupid, or that I don’t know what I’m talking about. So, I broke my serenity and peace based upon information that is only my speculation, and that speculation is based on old stories, old experiences.

Hmmm. Let’s look at that. First of all, with the first issue of you thinking me stupid, aren’t I buying into False Evidence Appearing Real? FEAR? As a matter of fact, I am. I can now chuckle at myself. “Ah, Jones. Caught again…” lol Suddenly the fear dispels as I realize I got tripped up in fear – again – about nothing that has happened and most likely won’t.

But what about the old stories upon which this feeling of being stupid is based? Join me tomorrow for more about this and dealing with fear in sobriety.

A Promise of Peace brings us to the conclusion of the book. And I quietly wonder if you have found inner peace, any at all, by going through the book with me this last 42 or so days. I really hope you have…

Promise of Peace

Peace. How do you know peace when it finds you? For me, it is the all-inclusion of everything we have been talking about into my senses, seeing with the eyes of my heart, and feeling a great deal of love for all beings on this Earth.

It is promised to us, if we go through the process that is defined in my book, because in doing so, we learn to love deeply. There is no desire to be in conflict with others.  When really in-tune, that includes inner conflict as well.

Does that mean we go through life in this glow? Hardly. That doesn’t happen because we’re human beings and, as such, are a caring and feeling species. Given the ever-constant changes in our lives from day-to-day, and the fact that we react with feelings and emotions, we slip temporarily from that space of centeredness and peace. 

So, what is there to do when this happens? Lament the loss of our peaceful existence. even if it was only for five minutes? No, we merely start in by looking at the situation, feeling our feelings, examining our response to situations that have arisen.

Case in point, I am in the middle of something which has the potential to affect how I conduct my life in the future, and I was stunned to realize I was playing the victim role! Wow! I thought I was past that, but it showed up very subtly. So, I am in the process of doing more self-appraising to see what is going on with me that puts me in that mindset.

At the same time, I am feeding myself positive affirmations. These tasks equate to ” taking action,” as we discussed in previous posts. Slowly, I am becoming able to see glimpses of my terror over how this new information could affect my future. How much will I get out from behind that terror to affect my own future? That is the key.

We can affect our own future by the actions we take today, in this moment. What do we do with the fear? We can recognize and feel it, acknowledge that it exists,  then walk away from it and take action, and, as needed, allow a glimpse of it again later.

We repeat this again and again until our fear subsides. I believe these issues get raised for us, so that we can take a look at core beliefs, and to heal from the destructive ones. While we do this, we remember to be gentle, kind, and tolerant with ourselves and the others around us.  And the result is, we find our center again. We find that peace again.

We even can go to it among the turmoil by distracting ourselves with a favored and cherished activity, one in which you get lost. Your peace will return as a reprieve for what you will again visit to sort out. That’s how it works for me. Maybe it will work for you, too.

Balance of Serenity

“I am serene, carried by the winds to places where I am help in balance with great beauty and strength.”

This is how it feels when I am experiencing serenity. It feels very balanced, and I feel beauty and strength both within and without.

The act of being serene is how Webster defines serenity. And serene is defined as not disturbed or troubled, calm, peaceful, tranquil. Do you feel that in your life?

It seems when I am living my life and not forcing it to go anywhere, but merely taking action on the things that have been put right in front of me to do, my life is in balance. It’s like the spires, wrought-iron piece, and the tree branches which are all in balance in the photograph above.

And it’s an incredible gift I am given, that of serenity. For it allows me to go through the day without “wigging out,” which is my tendency, and instead, calmly approaching the tasks of the day.

The gift is as a result of my sobriety, which led to my ability to heal. I went through the process that is described in the book and of which I have been blogging.

Sobriety is a process at which I worked hard, and now I am gifted to be to reaping the reward. Living with serenity allows me to experience calamity and meet it with calm. I’m sort of dealing with a calamity now, actually. Being serene is allowing me to think of all the possible results that could happen, and deciding what my next step is to be, where I will take action and how I will be be responsible for myself.

I couldn’t go through this thought process when I was drinking. I just got angry and withdrew in face of the fear of saying something, or doing something. When I met a calamity, I was filled with inner, and outer, turmoil. 

I cannot express to you how nice the change is. All I can say is it’s due to my sobriety and the process through which I went. I thank you for allowiing me to share that process with you through this blog.

Are you living with serenity in your life? Could you follow the process that I’ve been discussing and make some changes within yourself?

Good morning. We have gotten to the place in the book where we can talk about how to joyfully live your life. Let’s define what joy is first, though.

Burst of Joy

Joy is a very glad feeling, a delight, a great pleasure. In my experience, it bursts on the inside and begs to be shown on the outside. It makes you want to rejoice, to sing out. It brings a smile to your face, and peace to your heart.

So, how do you joyfully live your life? Well, it goes back to the beginning of the book. It all starts with looking at your emotions, such as fear, worthlessness, grief, despair, and acknowledging they exist, letting yourself feel the hurt, the pain.

Then you gain courage to trust in a force greater than yourself to feel those wounds with you, and you ask for relief from them.

You make the commitment to take the journey to wholeness, to peace, and to stick with it through the hard times you will encounter. Once you do, it is time to do a self-assessment of your behaviors and actions toward others.

Don’t forget to include your positive actions, and look at yourself in all of this, too. I mean, assess how you behave to yourself, how you treat yourself.

This is an important part of the journey, this self-assessment. It lays the foundation for you to live joyfully. Try to look at your behaviors and actions without remorse, without beating yourself up.

If you don’t like what you see, ask for help to make changes from the force in your life that is bigger than you. Apologize to those whom you have hurt, including yourself.

Through this process, treat yourself with kindness, gentleness, and compassion, and treat others with these, as well. Accept yourself as the person you are, with all of your flaws, all of your humanness, and all of your goodness.

Respect others and yourself, and show both of you tolerance. Recognize the choices you have and are making in your life, and then make decisions that move you forward, toward your dreams.

Try these things, all the things we have talked about throughout the tour of the book, and see if you are joyfully living your life. Then, let us know how that feels for you by leaving a comment.

Fulfillment of Dreams

“I am waking up from a lifetime of sleeping and am just beginning to learn to play, to fill my sails and dance across the shimmering waters. I am fulfilling dreams I have held in my heart forever that I did not know and, so, could not follow.”

The topic today is all about fulfilling your dreams. Are you fulfilling yours? Or have you brushed it aside as unattainable? Perhaps it’s time to reconstruct that dream  in your heart, pull it out, look at it.

Or, perhaps you don’t have one or you are already fulfilling your dreams. Kudos to you; you won’t feel that lack of something in your life, an unmet desire that tugs at your heart.

But if you do have that pulling, that desire to try something you’ve always wanted to do, now may be the time.

First, define what your dream is. Just hold that thought, that desire, in your heart. Next, start noticing the things that occur in your life that present themselves to you, which you can act upon, and which are in line, in tune, with your dream.

Take action on one small thing that presents itself. If you are having difficulty doing that, look inside and see what is preventing you from doing this. Is it fear? Doubt about your abilities? Don’t have the funds?

If you hold that dream gently in your heart, and set the intention to follow it, something will appear that gets you closer to your destination. It may take time – a short amount or years. Just start noticing opportunities that present themselves to you and take action on them when they arise.

Keep doing this; wherever you are being led, follow. One day, you will see that you are fulfilling your dreams. Don’t push. Let things flow naturally, gracefully. But keep taking action, keep doing your part.

May what you hold in your heart awaken and take life. Tell us about how that happened for you. Leave a comment about how things just happened in your life that got you to the point of fulfilling your dreams.

It is great fun for me to blog every day, turning the page in the book to see what today’s topic is, thinking about what I want to say and how to say it. I hope you are enjoying the daily blogs, too. I am late today and disappointed that I am…

Today we’re talking about choices. You have choices in your life about everything you do. I didn’t believe that when I began my healing journey, my journey into sobriety.

Celebration of Choices

In fact, I was a mess with emotion, and saw no way out of the emotional snare, and couldn’t fake that everything was fine. Couldn’t “grin and bear it,” nor “get on with it,” like everyone was saying to me. But I knew if I did that, it would be just like numbing the feelings with alcohol and I trying to quit; I did not heed their advice. So, I felt I had no choice but to be in an emotional snarl.

To digress a minute… I think when we say those things – grin and bear it, get on with it – to someone trying to get through emotional turmoil, it does not have the interest of the person at heart; it does a disservice to that person. If they could get on with it, they would! There is something holding them back.

Maybe it’s simply that they don’t know any other way to be, don’t know that another way exists. Maybe they’re in the process of getting on with it, and need to go through the turmoil to reach the other side.

I believe there is danger in saying grin and bear it and get on with it, even if we say it to ourselves – ESPECIALLY if we say it to ourselves. Doing so requires that we repress our emotions, our feelings. In so doing, our hurts turn into angers and resentments; among other things, we excessively drink away our sorrows.

Then one day, we explode and a child or wife is battered, someone is killed or hurt in some way, physically and always emotionally…  But we have choice in this whole process. 

So, back to what I was saying about being stuck in the turmoil and thinking I had no choice in the matter, when, in fact, I did. Rather than stay in the victim role, blaming others, I had the choice to take responsibility for my healing and my life to avoid going to that place of “losing it.” 

What do I mean by having choice? I mean, we do whatever it takes to look at our wounds that are making us unhappy, and move ourselves forward. We go to support groups for substance abuse, we get counseling, perhaps medication for emotional problems identified, we read books that discuss the specific topic that is our issue.

We engage in identifying our feelings by journalling, we take brisk walks a couple times a day. These are all things we can do when we decide to choose something different for ourselves. The list goes on…

The point here is the choice. I didn’t know it at the time, but my decision to get sober was my exercising of choice. It was the first step in taking responsibility for my healing. It was a choice I made with far wider-reaching healing than I ever could have imagined.

You, too, have choice over everything you do. Look gently at yours. Are you happy with them?

Today’s topic is about climbing the stairs in your life and when you do, anything is possible. Anything.

Realm of Possibilities

As long as I take action upon the things which come across my path, I can keep climbing the stairs. Certainly, there is discernment on your part about what you will act upon. But I mean acting upon what is appropriate and moves you forward in your life to help you create and live your dream.

This is as opposed to sitting around, grumbling about your dreams galore, or maybe just one, and not doing anything to help the Universe bring it to you. I used to do that and I’d drink about the fact that none of my dreams ever came true. I told myself I could never do this, that, or the other thing. And then I drank more because I felt sorry for myself.

I discovered a reality when I got sober, and that is that I CAN make a difference in my own success, having my dreams come true. I just didn’t know when or how the dreams would appear in my life, nor what the steps would look like to take me there. The bottom line is that I can help to create my future by the actions I take today.

I held in my heart from a young age, for example, the desire to be a photographer. When I became an adult and discovered alcohol, I fueled the belief that I wasn’t good enough. I allowed my lack of self-confidence and doubt to dictate my actions. In this case, my action was to drink over my sorrow for never having my dreams come true, to drink over the fear I felt, the low self-esteem. I avoided looking at those deep wounds and numbed them out.

Then I became sober and opportunities began to present themselves that moved my dream forward. First, I took a road trip from San Diego into Baja, Mexico, and discovered a zillion things to photograph, which I did. Opportunity one, and see how I took action?

Opportunity two came six months later when I was living in Colorado with old and dear friends, and I took my first-ever photo classes. Plus, I hired the instructor to critique all the photos I had taken in Mexico, so I got feedback about my work. Again, an opportunity and I took action. 

Later, I was living again in the San Francisco Bay Area and got retrained by worker’s compensation as a result of a previous work injury. They allowed me to go into business as a fine art photographer, selling my images. Ah, I was living my dream.

Then, darned if the photographs I took of wrought-iron gates didn’t match up with some of the prose I’d been writing in my journals! And a book came to be, my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

So, my dream to be a photographer changed directions, and all I did was take action on what was presented in my life. You, too, have a shot at creating your dreams. Just climb those steps of self-awareness and self-responsibility that have been blogged about on this site, and take action when opportunity presents itself.

Continue to hold that dream in your heart and one day, when you’re not looking, it may just make itself real in your life.

Visions of Gratitude

“When seen with eyes and heart that appreciate, everything around and within me becomes more pleasing, more beautiful.”

And there is the inspirational quote on gratitude. It is the verse from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, through which we are working our way.

We are nearing the end of the book, and as such, are tapping into the rich and positive emotions which I felt, once I experienced all the things I have experienced since adopting a life of awareness. These awarenesses are what I have been sharing with you as tropics in the book, which, when followed, led me to peace.

And, today we come to such a valuable and powerful tool, the use of gratitude. The gift of gratitude, for it truly is a gift.

I didn’t used to like the term gratitude. Oh, no, I did not! It was as simple as, I couldn’t feel grateful for old wounds, and wallowing, grief-struck, in those wounds was where I lived. I had not healed enough.

I went through my struggles with learning to be greteful. I finally resorted to making a list every day of 10 things for which I was grateful. That began to build my ability to feel appreciation.

Today, I am grateful about everything. It is a stark and striking contrast, just like the image, and one which I adore having in my life.

How do you develop gratitude if you have not or do not experience it? Just as the verse says, start by looking at things with appreciation. Like, how about hot running water? If you’ve lived on the road as I have, where you didn’t have hot running water, having it would become something you would cherish, every time you used it. Cherishing circumstances and abilities is a form of expressing gratitude.  

Even if you’ve never lived without it, think about how much more difficult life would be if you didn’t have hot running water. Electricity is the same. Look at the small, everyday things in your life and appreciate them, realizing that you are expressing gratitude. 

Now, look at all your physical capabilities and be appreciative of them. Notice when you awaken, the myriad of colors you can see, and sounds you can hear. Marvel at that, and realize you’re practicing gratitude. Take that same appreciation with you throughout the day and marvel about your capabilities. That’s gratitude.

Finally, look at the experiences you have had in your life, and appreciate that you had them because, without them, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. You wouldn’t have a story to tell that can help just one other person get through what you went through, or are going through. If you help but one person by sharing your story, you have fulfilled a purpose in your life. 

Being grateful is an offshoot of being healed, but you can feel gratitude even if you’re struggling. In fact, gratitude is an especially good tool to use when in that space. Just keep noticing and listing everything you appreciate, and just hang in there; it gets better.

You know, it’s a wonderful thing to feel appreciation and gratitude for the world around you; I want you to feel it, too. So go about your day, looking at, resolving to look at, each and every thing that you appreciate. Let us know what you find. 

To live with wonder in your life is to be filled with awe at the simple things around you. All you have to do is slow down and notice…

Moments of Wonder

The verse asks the question if there has always been such richness, such beauty in the world. “Perhaps, it has been there all along, waiting to be noticed, to be seen with the eyes of the heart.”

The story behind this photo explains quite well the concept of noticing things around you. I took this picture in February or March of 2004, I never noticed the star, not for months.

Then, in November of that year, when I was titling all my photos, I had them lined up around the room. I was standing across the room when I noticed the star in this image.

In that moment, I was filled with wonder and awe at that star which appeared out of nowhere! Hence, the title Moments of Wonder. More to the point was that I slowed down enough to notice the star.

We tend to race around in life, ever faster and faster, trying to keep up. In that process, we miss the little things all around us; we just don’t have the time to notice them. That was me, at any rate.

I believe that when we slow down and notice the little things in our lives, we will be fulfilled, and we will begin to know more peace.

It can be as simple as noticing the beautiful, long shadows on the sidewalk that appear in the late afternoon, or the baby tears that are growing among the rocks in your yard. It can be seeing the delight on the face of a child, eager to learn, to see, and to grow.

Opportunities are all around you; there are a million things to see right within your own home. I invite you to look with eyes of newness at the simplest things and marvel over them – their presence, how their existence simplifies your life, their beauty. 

Notice the small things. What happens to your perspective when you do that? Are you filled with a sense of wonder, a sense of awe? Leave us a comment and let us know what you see that brings wonder to you.

Path of Acceptance

“When we become entwined with our path, the steps become as soft as velvet, and the ascent flows smoothly.” Ah, the result of accepting what is… a life that flows.

I used to think that accepting what is was giving up, failing, a resignation, defeat, and I would walk away from letting things be with shame.

Then at some point, I began to realize the difference between acceptance of life as it was, and giving up or letting go with shame and defeat. Letting go in acceptance can be a pleasant feeling.

Acceptance is a place you can get to by saying to yourself that you have done all you can do in any given situation, and now it is time to let the powers that be do the work, let flow the results. You can let go with grace.

Acceptance does have a component of action to it, because if there is something which can be done in a situation, you must take that action. Then, leave the outcome alone and don’t try to force it.

When the outcome is known, understand that this is how things are and there is nothing more you can do to change the situation. Humbly accept that this is how things are going to be, and go on about your day without regrets.

When you can do this, and not feel defeated, there is a great deal of peace to be gained, as you are not expending your energy trying to change everything to your liking. You just trust and believe that things are working out as they are intended to be, even if you don’t see the reason right now.

Accepting what is does not mean you have to like what is happening; you just admit that that’s how things are going right now. Then, you pay attention to whether or not some action is required on your part and you take that action.

How are you at accepting what is? Do you push against what is happening, such that you are uncomfortable? How do you reach acceptance? Leave a comment and let us know…

The next topic in the book Opening the Gates of the Heart : A Journey of Healing is living in harmony within ourselves. It raises the issue of stillness, connecting to the ramblings of our mind and to the world around us.

Shades of Harmony

“When are we just still? When do we simply rest, quietly connecting with ourselves and all that is vast and wondrous around and within us?”

In order for us to touch ourselves and others in quiet, kind, and harmonious ways, do we not need to be still with ourselves from time-to-time?

Yet, there does not seem to be time when we are just quiet and still. Life is whizzing by at breakneck speed and we are running right along side of it, sometimes frantic just to keep up. 

We have our radios and TVs turned on, always and forever making noise around us. How can we think and quiet our mind when there is so much noise? How do you think with all the distraction around you?

Without the distraction, we end up facing ourselves and perhaps that is a difficult place to go or to be for some. We might see our unhappiness, our pain. On the other hand, we can see our delight, our happiness.

Once we tap into our quietness, our inner harmony, then we can take that space we have created and project it into the world. We can take our inner harmony and shine it on the people in our world.

The end result is more peace – peace within and peace without. And isn’t that a most pleasent place to be?

So, give yourself a treat today. Spend just 5 minutes to start living in harmony with yourself, being in a quiet surrounding, tapping into all that you are and can be.

Give it a try, and when you get used to that 5 minutes of quiet, and feel more inner harmony arise, share that feeling with the world around you. Then, try tomorrow for 10 minutes, and so forth, until you have a block of time in which you are at one with yourself, quiet…

What do you feel? Do you feel more harmony, more peace within? Once you identify this feeling, don’t forget to share it with the world.

Invitation of Dialogue

“If we as individuals cannot speak to each other, how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?”

Such is the verse for our topic today, improving your communication skills.

Let me be clear about the fact that I am not a communications expert, but I do observe people and their communication, and I do know what prevents me from communicating with others.

What I observe is a lot of bickering, bullying, and putting others down. Why do we do that to each other? Why can we not speak with gentleness and kindness to others?

I think of the reasons that I do not communicate well to another and it is usually when I am feeling low, or “less than” about myself, or when I am very shy. I retreat inside, unable to come out and participate in dialogue.

I am talking about the kind of dialogue where each party is free to express their feelings or thoughts without fear of ridicule or belittlement. How can we, as listeners, be active participants?

First of all, we can show respect for another as they are talking to us, remembering that each person is unique and worthy of our respect. Remember, we are focusing on cultivating differences between us and others.

Secondly, we can show tolerance for that person, allowing them to have their own opinion, even if it differs from ours. Remember, just because they say something of worth, it does not detract from our value.

Third, we can show kindness and gentleness as we set about talking to others. Remember, we each just want to be acknowledged for who and what we are, so we can pay attention to those around us.

Fourth, have compassion for another as they trudge with purpose through their life. Remember, show ourselves compassion also, for the frightened people we may be when it comes to approaching others and talking.

With respect, tolerance, kindness, gentleness, and compassion, we can engage in dialogue with others, allowing ourselves to show that tender side of ourselves. When we practice these things, we can also listen well, which is the other part of communication. Remember, listen to what others are saying and hear with your heart.

How do you engage in communication with others? Do you need a brush-up on your communication skills? Do you do all the talking, or do you allow room for others to talk? Leave a comment and let us know what you think.

As we return to the book topics, the next one is how we can cultivate differences with others.

The verse which accompanies this image talks about how we ask, require, and demand that others be like us and share our beliefs. But that is comparing one to another, and that practice squashes the spirit of the one being compared.

Cultivation of Differences

It goes on to note that we are like the gates. “Although similar in design, what thrives in one spot does not grow in another… One is not more beautiful than another. Each has beauty in its own right, if we will only look… it we will only see…”

The verse to this photo was written in 2002, early in sobriety, when I was dealing with the issue of always having been compared to my sisters and always having been found deficient.

That has had lasting and devastating effects on me, as I have struggled with comparing myself to others. When I engage in this behavior, I always find myself on the short end, “less than” the other, deficient in some way.

Whether we are different in color, customs, or talents, we can cultivate differences with those in our world. We can stop comparing, one to the next, and see each person as unique, with special attributes.

Perhaps, the first thing we can do when we start to cultivate differences between those around us is to refrain from comparing ourselves to others. Instead, we can grow and cultivate our own uniqueness, celebrate our own differences, standiing tall in who we are.

We show humility in who we are, but we claim our goodness, our specialness; we feed our spirit when we do this. Perhaps, when our soul is filled and we feel confident about who we are, we are then free to look at another’s differences in a new light. We are free to grow the differences that we find, to celebrate another’s spirit.

Perhaps, this is the one main thing we can do to allow us to cultivate differences with others, and that is to feel confident in ourselves. Ah, the issue of a self-appraisal comes up again, and we are asked to look closely at who we are, including our special gifts.

If we consider ourselves to be good people, then we are much more apt to think good of another, and to be interested in cultivating the differences we have discovered. We don’t have to defend to another who we are when we feel good about ourselves. We can putter around in our garden, delighting in discovering those around us and their unique gifts.

How do you cultivate differences with those people around you who are different than you? Does it help to have a firm belief in who you are? Share with us the technique you use to cultivate differences with others.

This morning, I had the opportunity to reflect upon whether my glass is half empty or half full. Here’s what happened. Oh. First, let me explain that I am deviating from the topics in the book for my second post yesterday and today’s post… I will resume the book topics tomorrow.

Yesterday’s second post was an exercise in a blogging class I was taking, and this morning’s is something that came to mind. I was sitting on my enclosed-in porch, as is my wont to do in the morning, drinking coffee and watching the sun rise, playing shadows of bushes upon the house next to mine.

I was taking the opportunity to reflect upon the blogging class I took this past weekend. Specifically, I was thinking about how I rated the class with a thumbs-up of 8, instead of a full thumbs-up of 10. When asked by the presenters why that rating and not a 10, I replied that I already knew much of the information that was presented.

It’s interesting I responded in that way, as a lot of what I DID learn was new to me, and very valuable. I was rudely awakened to the fact that I looked at the experience as my glass half empty, instead of half full. Embarrassing to admit, but a valuable lesson for me to examine further, so I thought it beneficial to share it with you.

I was modeled the attitude of judgment about everything and everyone when I was growing up, and the judgment was always negative. I don’t say this to give an excuse, but to allow you to see where my default mode came from. It’s simply a fact.

So, when asked about my thoughts about the class, they automatically went to my glass being half empty, rather then half full. Darn! And I thought I had outgrown that! I certainly have worked on changing that perception over the years.

I believe this experience came up to show me how I still need to work on this issue of the glass half empty or half full. It gives me an opportunity to treat myself with gentleness and tolerance, rather than beat myself up about where I initially went… to the glass half empty.

Additionally, I get the chance to practice perseverance in changing my default to the glass half full.  Life is all about practice, after all… We can turn the other way and become defensive or intimidating about the way in which we see the world as half empty, or we can gently examine ourselves, ferreting out our negative responses when a positive one is just as easy to do.

How do you view the world? Is your glass half empty or half full? Do you have to remind yourself of this, or is your glass always half full? Do you view the world with a positive outlook?

It’s hard to think that inspirational quotes about life can alter your mind. Usually, when we think of mind-altering, we think of substances like drugs, alcohol, caffeine, and nicotine.

These substances bring us a euphoria, an escape from emotional pain and stress. It is with these that we get away from the demons in our mind, sometimes engaging in their use until we are numb and can no longer feel. This can occur when we are experiencing deep emotional wounds.

At the very least, this behavior of over-indulging can be self-destructive, especially if substances are used for the purpose of numbing. At its best and in moderation, altering our minds with substances gives us a bit of a respite – a breather, so-to-speak. Is this not the same thing we would all like to feel when we get stressed from the daily trials and tribulations?

Instead of using substances, consider that we can alter our mind with inspirational quotes about life. We hear the words of another, whether that person is famous or not, and we relate to them at a deep, personal level. They resonate with our being. Ah, a connection is made.

The words bring us hope – hope of better times, hope of release of stress in our mind. Often, the quotes are strong enough to bring forth empowerment. When this occurs, we are inspired  to take action on our behalf.

Oneness

Stirring inspirational quotes about life bring us to compassion for ourselves and others. The words can lead us to want to show concern and empathy for those in our world.

Inspirational quotes about life lead us to gratitude as we express our thankfulness. We begin to feel oneness with others and ourselves, as we open our hearts.

It is that feeling of oneness that arises when we read these inspirational quotes that is so sacred, so spiritual in nature. Perhaps, allowing in the spirituality of the quotes changes our mind chemistry, such that it alters our mood.

So, the next time you have a need to alter your mind, try some inspirational quotes about life. Bask in the hope, the compassion, the gratitude you find, and experience that feeling of oneness with yourself and the world.

As we move forward in my book, our next topic is grace. Today’s inspirational quote about life and grace from the book is “Gently, quietly, an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure is bestowed upon me.”

Sweep of Grace

There is nothing quite like living in grace. It is a spiritual experience, for me. It is swept upon me quietly, gently, as the quote says, and as the photograph shows.

The thing about grace is that it is unearned, it is a favor. The more you strive for it, the more elusive it is. It is a gift that settles upon you. It just feels like the world is in alignment, that all is right for you.

Webster defines grace as an attractive quality, feature, or manner. It is beauty or charm of form, composition, movement, or expression.

How do you live in grace? Since it is nothing you can originate, since it is bestowed upon you, living the principles of living that we have been discussing will lead to grace.

For example, living with honesty, and with an open and willing heart will lead to grace. So will it if you live with tolerance, compassion, and kindness toward others and yourself.

Live with these qualities today and see if you experience grace, that wonderful veil that descends upon you, gently. Let us know if you experience it and what it feels like for you.

I was drawn to the beautiful sweeping staircase behind this gate, and the interesting growth on the wall made me think of our lovely growth of character that develops as we follow the principles of living.

Growth of Character

The verse asks, “Do we notice the character of another, grown over time on the wall of one’s being?” Then it asks if we notice our own character, evolved over time on our own wall. “Do we groom the moss and mold, encouraging new growth to flourish?”

One of the kindest things we can do for others and ourselves is to notice one’s character, and to recognize its growth over the years. It is a form of acknowledgment, of respect.

We each are interesting beings, with a character that has developed over time because of our unique experiences in life. This is to be honored – in others and in ourselves. 

When I titled this photo, I was thinking of Joe, an elder gentleman I met on a bus on the way from the parking lot to the Wooden Boat Show in Port Townsend, Washington. It was September of 2004.

He was hampered by a disability, and, yet, he was filled with enthusiasm and life. We struck up a conversation and I could not help but notice he was full of character. A nice friendship developed from that and the lunch we later shared.

We each have a character, grown over time on the wall of our being. We can continue to cultivate it as we age, lending grace to that process, as with Joe. Just as we notice that growth of character in another, we can notice it in ourselves. And, through living good principles of living such as we have been discussing, we can groom it, such that it flourishes.

Just for today, notice the character of another and offer it acknowledgment and respect. Just for today, notice your character and do something to encourage new growth. Then stand back and admire the beauty you find.   

We are brought to the next topic in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, and I will provide a definition of tolerance. First, the verse.

Practice of Tolerance

“I have the most difficulty being tolerant of others when I am feeling inadequate, insecure, and uncomfortable with myself.

Yet, when I am able to look beyond the imperfections of others, I discover great beauty and worth in them.

And, I discover that another’s value does not diminish my own.” 

The definition of tolerance is allowing, bearing, permitting, or not interfering with another’s beliefs and practices.

This is a wonderful habit to practice… tolerating others, as it results in peace for the one tolerating another.

I think it bears repeating why we may be intolerant. For me, I find that I am intolerant of another’s ideas or beliefs when I am feeling inadequate and unsure of myself.

In that situation, I compare myself to another and fall short of them. That makes me uncomfortable and it intensifies my low self-esteem. I struggle with allowing another’s beliefs or practices because they threaten who I believe myself to be… or at least, that’s what I think in the moment.

On the other hand, when I am feeling comfortable about who I am and hold myself in good esteem, another’s different ideas or beliefs do not shake that self-confidence I have.

I think the biggest thing to realize is that just because another has value in who and what they are, that does not diminish my own value. Just because they have a valid point, for example, does not make my point any less valid or valuable.

We spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to others… too much time, perhaps. Rather, if we can tolerate the differences in another, it enriches our lives, instead of detracting from it.

So, perhaps the real message here is to work on developing our self-esteem, feeling comfortable with who and what we are. Then, perhaps we can more effortlessly tolerate others. It sounds like an opportunity for practice.

We can also practice being more tolerant of ourselves and our quirks. If we see something we do not like, we can take action and change it, instead of being negative and intolerant of ourselves.

What is your definition of tolerance and how do you practice it? Do you find it is easier to be tolerant when you are feeling good about yourself? I invite you to leave a comment and let us know how you practice tolerance.

The next topic from my book Opening the Gates of the Heart, A Journey of Healing is absence of judgment.

Absence of Judgment

“Why do we judge others so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others?” This is the verse from the book.

Judgment: an opinion, criticism, or censure. Certainly, we are continually assessing those around us to determine that we are safe in the world. In that capacity, we make a judgment.

That is necessary and yet, that is not what I’m referring to here. I am referring to harsh and critical judgment, the kind that is damaging to another’s soul, the kind that is back-stabbing, putting another down, demeaning of another.

So, I repeat… why do we persist in such harsh judgement judgment of others if what they are doing feeds their spirit and is not harmful to you, others, or themselves?

Is it fear? Fear that they could harm you? Is that well-founded fear? Or, is it merely being critical of another because they are different than you.

Do we criticize because you we are feeling small and “less than?” I know that’s the case for me when I criticize and judge others, and even myself. I am feeling not-so-good inside.

And what about the ways in which we judge ourselves? The way you judge yourself? Are you harsh and critical? Do you have that inner meanie, that voice of shame? Many of us do. That critical part of yourself serves no good, it destroys your spirit, your soul. It degrades you and prevents you from being all you can be.

How do we dispel that voice that criticizes others and then turns that inward against ourselves? Perhaps, one way is by taking note of and appreciation for another individual, showing them respect for their differences. Ah, yesterday’s topic. That includes taking note of your differences, and celebrating them, by the way.

Perhaps, it is nothing more than noticing when we are critical and judgmental. If we shine the light upon our thoughts or words when we are so harsh, we may realize we are doing it more than we think, and, perhaps, we can cease.

Perhaps, it involves looking at ourselves and our habits, and realizing they could be considered strange to an outsider, worthy of critical judgment. When looked at in that light, perhaps we are more tolerant of other’s differences.

I invite you to go forward in your day and notice how you judge yourself and others, and think: why such harsh judgement judgment of others and of myself?

Sometimes, we as individuals do not respect others as individuals. So, our topic today is respect of individuality.

The verse that accompanies the photograph in the book starts, “We ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us. Why?”

Respect of Individuality

Why, indeed. Why do we think that what we are and what we do is what others should be and do? When we expect another to be like us, to follow our dreams, it thwarts the skills and talents of another, sending the message that who they are is not good enough, or simply not good.

Did you experience that at any point in your life? In childhood, in a marriage? I did. I was constantly compared to my sisters, who were academic. I was artistic, so in the comparison, I failed miserably.

It has taken my lifetime to revert the belief that I was not a good person. Even still, I struggle with feelings of not being good enough.

So, what’s the solution? How can we look at another and celebrate their differences as individuals? We can do just that. We can take special note of another’s individuality and respect it, celebrate it.

We can encourage another’s individuality, urging them to greatness in the areas in which they excel and are interested.

At the same time that we are respecting others as individuals, we can respect our own individuality. Oh, yes, for we – you – are each a unique individual, worthy of celebration and respect.

Take the time to think about all the things about yourself that make you an individual, all your special talents and gifts. Then, consider that these are the gifts you are intended to bring to the world.

Be willing to humbly share these gifts with everyone around you. When you do, you will begin to feel at peace with yourself and the world; it will bring you a feeling of completeness, wholeness. 

It is my hope that you will begin to see others as individuals, allowing them outside of any box in which you have placed them. And I hope that you begin to celebrate your uniqueness, allowing the world to see who you are as an individual.

Perhaps the biggest service you can provide is to offer acknowledgment to others, and to yourself.

Acknowledgment of Others

“It is a never-ending circle of acknowledgment – of each other, and of ourselves.”

“We go within so we can reach out to others and we reach out to others so we can go within.”

“We just need to be seen, to be noticed by those around us. We need to matter to each other, and to ourselves.”

“We do not need to do this alone. We need to help each other.”

Such is the verse that goes with this photograph. The photo shows how it’s never-ending, always repeating. Our backs are curled away from another, so we can reach within to gather strength to give to others.

Then, we are curled toward another, so we can offer acknowledgment to the other, letting them know that we see their value as a human being. In so doing, we feel good inside, feel good about ourselves.

Acknowledgment to another is as simple as you offering a smile, a nod of the head. We all just want to be noticed by you, as the verse says. It is so simple, so easy, and when you do it, it promotes peace in the world around you. It makes you feel good inside.

To offer acknowledgment to ourselves, to yourself, is more difficult sometimes. For example, you may not give acknowledgment to your feelings, especially ones of hurt. You tell yourself to “get over it,” instead of holding yourself tenderly and gently, showing yourself compassion.

When you do these things for yourself, that’s when you really get over it, because your soul is comforted and it can heal from hurts. To acknowledge your hurts is to show your soul that you, too, matter as a human being.

Perhaps it is fear which prevents you from acknowledging another. Or guilt. In the case of a homeless person on the corner, you may not wish to offer money. So you look away, you avoid eye contact. But that says to them that they are not of value to you.

Perhaps they are not, and yet, they are a fellow human being, just trying to make it through. A smile will brighten up their day. When you offer that acknowledgment to them, you will feel your heart swell with goodness.

In similar fashion, when you offer acknowledgment to your feelings, your heart swells with goodness. You feel you matter to yourself, that you are important. 

Go into your day and offer acknowledgment to others and to yourself, and feel the peace it brings you. Feel that goodness in your heart. Then, go within yourself to gather strength and gentleness to do it again, for the next person that you encounter. Tell me, doesn’t doing these things feel good inside; don’t you feel peace? 

It is my hope that you will find inspirational quotes about life in this blog for the next topic in the book…patience.

Patina of Patience

“I am being asked to slow down so much after a lifetime of running so fast. I do not know how to do that. How do I watch and wait for life to evolve naturally without forcing it? How do I learn to be patient?”

That was me in life, running so fast from one thing to the next, forcing, pushing. The result I often experienced was the world crashing in around me, never suiting me, things turning out poorly.

In sobriety, I learned a different approach. First, I took action whenever I wanted or needed something to happen. Then, I learned to sit back and wait, doing nothing more on that situation.

Instead, I learned to go on to the next thing that needed my attention, the next indicated thing. I learned to have faith that a power greater than myself would work out the details and that the results I would receive were better than if I forced the results to happen.

Here lies the clincher, though. You have to discern if further action is needed on your behalf. For example, I have applied for a job. The interview happened a week and a half ago, and I have not heard from them since.

Yet, I learned from a friend employed by the company that they liked me, thought my skills were strong. Given that, I would have expected a call by now. So, I have decided that I have been patient and now need to show that I am interested in the job, by calling them to see how my application process is going. I believe this call is needed on my behalf. I could be wrong… and yet, it feels right in my gut.

So, patience requires a bit of discernment, decision-making on your part. But, like the patina which has grown on the gate in the image, good things grow over time. Allow that time to pass before jumping in. Realize that the forces of the Universe can do more for you than you can by pushing any result.

Divert your attention by turning it to the next indicated thing. For me in my example, the next indicated thing is to blog, to do my social media networking. Later today, it will be to go to the place where I volunteer. Always do the next indicated thing that is in your path, even if it is washing the dishes. You can meditate, read, or take a walk.

Above all, have patience and faith that things that are meant to be will come to pass. Don’t push life; it is like trying to run upstream in a stream with a strong current. 

Instead, enjoy the scenery around you while you patiently wait in faith. And that does not include tapping your foot while you wait… oh, no! It means truly letting it go and turning your attention to the next indicated thing, then the next, and the next… Doing that will help you find peace.

I hope you have gained some inspirational quotes about life and patience from this post. How do you remain patient in your life? What does patience look like to you?

The next topic in the book is perseverance. It is that continued, patient effort on your part that leads to peace of mind, inner peace. It is that repeated effort, without being discouraged that things are not turning out the way you wish.

Rolls of Perseverance

The first stanza of the verse reads, “I struggle to not become discouraged, or to think I am a failure because I have not achieved in my first few attempts the vision of myself as I wish to be.”

You see, I wanted to have peace of mind, and, despite my efforts, I was not making it, was not getting there. What I didn’t realize was that I WAS getting there, it just took a lot of internal work and healing to get to the peace of mind for which I searched.

You cannot do one thing and expect to “get there,” wherever “there” is. It often takes repeated effort on your part, doing the same thing again and again sometimes. Just as the rolls of iron go on and on in this photo, so must your efforts to find that peace of mind for which you search.

It is much less straining to be patient while continuing your efforts, for to be impatient sets up an attitude of tenseness, of expectation of what the outcome of your actions is to be. That’s all well and good, yet life’s outcomes are often not what you want them or expect them to be. 

Besides, to go against the flow of what is, to try and manage the outcome, takes away from the mystery and magic of life, don’t you think?

So, what does that have to do with perseverance and peace of mind? The more you can go with the flow and keep up a continued and patient effort, the more you will find peace of mind, even during the search you are on.

Perseverance helps you find peace in the middle of daily living. Don’t like something about yourself, or that you did or said? Keep practicing perseverance until you get it right. Continue to work toward peace of mind, even through the discouragement that may come.

Above all, do not think yourself a failure because it takes more than one attempt. Instead, think of yourself as a human being.

How have you persevered to find peace of mind? Have those methods been difficult for you to maintain? How did you find the patience to continue, again and again? I invite you to leave a comment in response.

Ray of Hope

One of the inspirational quotes about life and hope for today is, “A ray of light across the bars of my being lights my way, instills hope in my heart.”

Another is, “You feel hope when you feel that what you want will happen.” That is Webster’s definition…

For you who is learning to love yourself and to overcome low self-esteem, depression, worthlessness, or despair, you begin to believe that you can overcome these things, that you can feel self-love.

Now that you have seen yourself with kindness and compassion, forgiven yourself and others, learned to have humility and willingness, and accepted yourself as you are, you realize that you have hope for better times, a better feeling about yourself and your life.

You have hope that you can move forward in life, that inner peace and happiness can be yours. Breathe in intention – to move forward in your life. Breathe out manifestation – you experience peace and happiness today.

All it takes is that little ray of hope that you see in the photograph, and soon the sun shines even more brightly across the bars of your being, dissolving doubt, washing away fear. You bathe in that ray and drink in the hope that it brings to your soul. 

That’s right… go ahead and drink in hope, relish it, revel in it. Let it open your heart. Believe in yourself and let your light shine in your world and the world around you. 

Can you feel that hope? Are you breathing in intention and breathing out manifestation? Let your soul be lightened and washed clear. Is your soul feeling more clear? It is my hope that it is. Now, have a peaceful and happy day as you bask in hope today… then tomorrow, and then the next day, and the next… one day at a time…

Today we’re going to talk about building self confidence by accepting yourself. This is the next topic in the book, and the verse is:

Acceptance of Self

“Have we really changed throughout the years, or do we merely hold within our heart and mind and soul the essence of who we are, while our physical form changes?

Can we recapture the delightful being we have always been, as we allow and celebrate our strengths, our flaws, our spirit?”

You start out as a delightful being, delighted yourself with the world and your surroundings. Over time, you are hurt by others, perhaps told in one way or another that you are not good enough, that you are worthless. You are belittled, criticized. These things erode your self confidence.

You start believing all the negative things you have been told or been shown about yourself, and you start putting yourself down. You are not what someone else wants you to be, so you begin not accepting who you are. 

These things are all crazy-making within your heart, your mind. You end up being a confused and hurt person, lacking confidence and wanting to be someone different than you are. This is damaging to your soul.

What if you were to start over and reclaim yourself and who you are? Re-examine the delightful things about yourself and applaud them. Identify your strong points, just as you identify your weak points needing improvement.

Accept that it is all who you are. No need to be ashamed for your weak areas, your negative behavior. Accept that that is who you are and be willing to change those things, but know that that is who you are in the moment.

The more you run away from who you are at this very moment in time, the less likely you will be able to accept yourself and to reclaim self confidence. Seriously, accept that you are that generous, kind person, just as you are a selfish, hurtful person sometimes. Own it – all of it. 

If you do not identify and accept who you are at the current time, if you are always denying your bad points, you cannot make changes in yourself. It is in correcting your bad and weak points that you can help grow your self confidence.

When you do your self-appraisal, have the courage and humility to admit to the good that you are and that you do. Go ahead. Praise yourself, pat yourself on the back. Allow seeing your positive points to add to your self confidence. Stand tall in who you really are. Be honest with the world.

Remember to be humble, though. This exercise is not meant to emphasize your superiority, but to enhance the way in which you see yourself so you can raise your self confidence.

Do good for others. This will raise your self confidence immensely. There is nothing like seeing the look of appreciation on another’s face when you do something kind and giving for them.

In short, reclaim that delightful spirit that you are. Take responsibility for your flaws. Do good for others. Most importantly, find kindness, gentleness, compassion, and forgiveness for yourself.

How have these actions helped to raise your self confidence? Have you accepted who you are in both your darkness and your light? Has doing esteem-able acts helped you with your self confidence? Leave a comment. Let us know.

Yesterday, I spoke about how forgiveness found me. It was quite by accident. Now, I know how to recreate that for myself and I thought I’d share it with you how to find forgiveness.

Tiers of Forgiveness

It happens in tiers, or stages, over time. There are many emotions to deal with, and the original anger and resentment will resurface for you to look at. It gets easier if you apply the following process.

• Identify the original anger. Recognize it as hurt and let yourself feel that hurt. Be willing to feel it.
• Don’t get into how justified you are about your anger. Allow yourself to hurt.
• Take a look at yourself and determine if you may have done something to provoke the other person. Be really honest about that, even if it is embarrassing to admit. Better to know this up-front. Be willing to look honestly. Be willing to be responsible for your own actions and words.
• If you did do something to provoke the other person, perhaps an apology is in order. Drop your pride and apologize if you were the one who set the ball in motion.
• If that is not the case, then look further at yourself and examine whether you have ever done the very thing for which you are angry.
• Chances are, you have in some form or another. Think about how you felt about yourself when you did that. Were you feeling badly about yourself and took it out on another in some way?
• Have compassion for yourself for how badly you were feeling about yourself when you did that act, or said what you said to be hurtful to another. Really hold yourself and give yourself comfort. Be willing to show yourself compassion.
• Now, think about the other person and consider that they most likely were feeling badly about themselves when they did what they did to you.
• Now, try to see them with the eyes of compassion for the wounded soul they were at that moment that they hurt you.
• Don’t condone the hurtful actions. Forgiveness is not about condoning the hurtful actions or words of another. It is about freeing up your heart from the resentment you harbor. It is about clearing your heart.
• Once you see with the eyes of compassion, try to bring forgiveness into your heart.
• Know that they were doing the best they could at that moment, just as you always do the best you can in any moment, even if you are hurtful to another.

Try this series of ideas for one with whom you are angry and resentful, one whom you are unable to forgive, and see if it is helpful. See if it shows you how to find forgiveness.

If it is yourself you need to forgive, the same stages of self-examination and compassion apply. If you try this method, let us know the results. Leave a comment with your success, or let us know if it just didn’t work.

There was a definite advantage for me in finding the gift of forgiveness. It is a gift for you, as it frees your heart of the resentment, anger, and hurt which you harbor. When you forgive, it adds a great deal of inner peace to your life.

According to Webster, to forgive is to give up resentment and the desire to punish someone, to pardon them, to overlook one’s transgressions. This is not to say you condone what another has done. Yet, you give up the need to punish them with your silence, or scorn, or anger.

Tiers of Forgiveness

Forgiveness for me happened in tiers. And it involved many years of tears. There was a period of years in my life when I endured much physical and verbal abuse; the details are not important.

What is noteworthy is that I was told repeatedly during those years that I was worthless, no good, and would never amount to anything. Needless to say, I started to feel very worthless.

I went on with life, resenting this person who had bestowed the extreme physical and emotional hurt upon me. I seethed inside. I made snide comments to punish them, or withheld my love and attention as a way to further punish. 

Then I became sober. I had to look at what was done without having alcohol to numb the pain, and it was excruciating to do so. I did it because I had no choice but to go through the pain if I wanted to heal. And I wanted desperately to heal. 

I was doing a self-appraisal one day, looking at all my relationships with men that I had had over the years. I realized that for each of them, I would get drunk and scream at them how worthless they were, that they were no good, and would never amount to anything.

I was horrified to remember and to admit this to myself! What a horrible thing to have said! I realized I did not mean it, that I was feeling those things about myself, and just took out my anguish on them.

Suddenly, I wondered if the person who said those things to me felt the same way – felt worthless and no good about themselves, and that is why they screamed those words at me.  I saw myself with compassion, knowing what extreme pain I was in at the time. This allowed me to believe that the person who abused me was also in great pain at the time, and I was able to feel compassion for them, also.

This didn’t excuse my behavior, and I have since apologized to these men, but the psychological and spiritual damage was done. Yet, by acknowledging how I said these things, and applying compassion to both myself and the person who abused me, I was able to forgive myself, and the person who had said them to me. Years of anger and  resentment slipped away. I have since gained peace from years of abuse. 

What are the ways in which you are withholding forgiveness? Is it getting in the way of your peace of mind? Tomorrow we will look at ways you can learn to offer forgiveness, so you can gain peace, too.

Curls of Kindness

“If this is not the time to be kinder and gentler to each other and to ourselves, when will it be?” This is the verse from my book, and the next topic we will be discussing today – what is kindness?

Friendly, gentle, tenderhearted, sympathetic, generous, and cordial are all terms Webster uses to define “kind,” with “kindness” being the state or habit of being kind. So that answers what is kindness…

How do you treat others with kindness? Perhaps by using many of the things we have discussed up to this point. Things like being gentle, having compassion, being willing to be kind, and having an open heart can all contribute to acts of kindness.

Having a good sense of who you are is also needed for you to be kind, both to others and to yourself. When you feel more at home with yourself, you have less need to strike out in anger, defensiveness, and fear, or to cut yourself down.

The next time you feel the urge to say a disparaging word about someone, hold that thought and allow your heart to soften. Allow in a kind thought, and say something kind instead. Become willing to do this.

In like fashion, every time you catch yourself saying unkind things to yourself about yourself, come into awareness that you are doing that. Make the choice to stop, and think something kind about yourself instead.

This all may sound easy, yet it takes consciousness and practice. When you have the urge to be unkind, or if you actually are, do a self-appraisal and examine what you were feeling at the time that prompted you to act unkindly. If you were feeling “less than,” treat yourself with compassion and gentleness.

What is kindness to you? What are the ways in which you are kind to others? How about to yourself?

“Perhaps, rather than thinking I must make my morals, truth, and integrity match another’s, I can determine what resonates with my own heart. When it does, I have the strength of a pillar.”

Pillar of Strength

This is the verse that accompanies today’s image and topic, being an individual, being yourself and standing strong in who you are. First, however, you need to determine who you really are at your core.

This can be a challenging task, especially if you live in an environment where who you are is not valued and, in fact, is criticized or demeaned.

I lived in such an environment in my marriage, after leaving a home where I was criticized and demeaned during childhood, so for me, it was a lifetime. I learned to be whatever and whomever the other person wanted me to be. I was very good at it.

Therefore, it was very difficult, after I left my 20 year marriage, to determine what my own values and truths were. I was only able to figure this out by staying sober and sticking through the often excruciating emotional times, until I came out on the other side. So have faith; you will come out on the other side

I recommend journalling to ferret out your strengths, your morals, your truths. That worked well for me, anyway. It allows you to write anything you think or feel without the fear of having it criticized or demeaned, thus devaluing you.

This is a time when you want to be totally honest about what you see. If you are confused about your morals, your truths, set the intention to discover them, and go about your day with them in your mind and heart. When you have an idea, jot it down in your journal. Expand upon it later.

Once you discover your truths and integrity, try to gently express yourself to those around you, sticking up for yourself and your opinions. I recognize that this can lead to arguments with a spouse.

I also recognize that sometimes it is not safe to do this, and in that situation, perhaps it is best to keep your thoughts in your journals, but know in your heart what they are. Then, when you have gotten out of the dangerous situation, you can express yourself to others. Do the best you can in a given situation, and keep yourself safe.

Be fair to yourself when you are doing a self-appraisal. This is where honesty, willingness, and openness come in to play. Be willing to look at yourself with an open mind and heart, thus discovering what your strengths, morals, and truths are. Be honest by not downplaying who you are. It is not bragging or arrogant to honestly admit to your strengths. Rather, here is an opportunity to practice humility.

Do you know your strengths and morals, your truths and integrity? Do you project them into the world? Do you feel the inner strength that produces when you do so? Does it help you find peace? I truly hope it does. I hope for you to resonate with your truths, morals, and integrities so that you are being yourself and standing strong in who you are..

Our next stop as we work our way through my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing is compassion. And what is compassion? It is the ability to feel sympathy or sorrow for another’s sufferings and is usally associated with an urge to help.

Fields of Compassion

To interject, the interesting and very unique thing about my book is that I wrote three-quarters of the verses that appear in it before I even discovered the gates and photographed them.

Such is the case for the verse that accompanies Fields of Compassion. I wrote the bulk of the verse in Colorado in 2003, immediately following an uncomfortable experience with a homeless man, and I found the gate image in Napa Valley, California in 2005. I later re-wrote the last stanza, which I quote below. I rewrote it because the original was just a demonstration of self-pity for my shame.

What happened in 2003 was, I stopped at a light in Denver and there was a homeless man on the corner. I didn’t want to give him money, so after a brief encounter of our eyes meeting, I looked away with shame and avoided further eye contact.

I felt horrible that I couldn’t even acknowledge this man, another human being who was struggling. After I went through the light, I stopped and wrote the verse that goes with the image, in which I talk about how I could not even show my compassion to this man, and that I cried for the lack of compassion we show one another. 

The end of the verse reads, “All it would take is a look, a smile, to let this man know that I care about him, feel his plight, want to help. I can offer a fellow human being a smile, a hand, and fill a vacant field with compassion…”

Back to our definition for the question what is compassion? You can have sorrow for another’s plight, and you can take it one step further by acknowledging them. All it takes is a smile, a nod of the head. Sometimes you wish to reach into your pocket to help with money, but even if you do not do that, you can display your sympathy, your compassion. This goes for anyone who is suffering.

It even holds true for yourself when you are suffering. You can show yourself sympathy when you are healing and dealing, for example, with grief, sorrow, or remorse that arises.  You can fill your empty field with compassion.

Compassion is not to be confused with pity, feeling sorry for others, and especially feeling self-pity. Now, Webster includes pity in the definition of compassion, yet, in my experience, I have found that self-pity was very destructive for me. It perpetuated my blaming of others for my woes, kept me drinking over it, and it kept me from moving forward and taking action. It stopped me from being useful to others. And pitying others I found to be demeaning. 

I hope I have answered for you the question what is compassion. How do you show compassion to another or yourself?

Today I am going to give you what I hope to be inspirational quotes about life that you can use when it comes to being gentle. It is from the book and gentleness is the next topic.

Bed of Gentleness

“Oh, could we not treat ourselves with great gentleness as we go through life learning, growing, healing? Would we then be more gentle with others, too?”

I believe one of the best things you can do for yourself while you are changing and traveling on your journey is to be gentle with yourself. It does no good to beat yourself up and it affects your spirit and soul adversely.

I used to say to myself “I should…” a lot. I should have done this, I should have done that. Over time, I have discovered that “should” is a shaming word and makes me feel ashamed of myself every time I say it. When I say it to someone else, it only shames them.

Instead, I have consciously, over time, replaced the word “should” with “could,” or “would.” I could have done this, I wish I would have done that… See the difference and how you feel it in your gut?

This is one major way you can be more gentle with yourself. Another way is to see yourself with compassion for your actions and desires to have done something differently. After all, you do the best that you know how at each given moment. If you would have known a better way, you would have done it differently.

I think when you talk to yourself with gentleness, it flows out into the world and you begin to talk to others and treat them with more gentleness, also. Encourage yourself, praise yourself for a job well done, do anything but beat yourself up. Remember, you can always apologize for something you did that was hurtful to another.

Try treating yourself with more gentleness and see how that feels for you. Learn to stop using the “should” word, and see if you feel more gentleness for yourself.

I hope this post presented some inspirational quotes about life and gentleness that you can use to your benefit. Have a good day.

Today it is time for a performance appraisal of yourself, a search of self. This is the next topic in the book. It is the second reference to looking at yourself, your behavior and your actions. The first was in the blog about honesty.

Search of Self

But this time, when doing an appraisal, take a look at yourself with the eyes of the soul. You are looking for your heart, right in the middle of everything you are, which is sometimes muddled, sometimes messy.

We are all human. We all have swirls and shadows, shades of tan and rust… darkness and light. Do you recognize and acknowledge your humanness, your good, your bad?

You see, resiliency of spirit lies in the ability to see yourself as a falable human being, who is not perfect, who makes mistakes. The beauty of it all is that among all these swirls and shadows, your heart is there in the middle, shining brightly, truthfully. It knows the truth of who you are.

All you have to do is find it, to feel it. In your heart, you know when you are treating yourself or another poorly. You know. So, after being honest with yourself about it, you can do a  do-over, a retake. You can get humble and apologize.

How do you apologize when, during a performance appraisal of yourself, you find that you have wronged yourself? You can acknowledge it, first of all. Then, you can see yourself with compassion, trying to get to the root of why you are treating yourself poorly. Is it an old message of worthlessness that plagues you? Do you not feel worthy of better treatment, taking good care of yourself?

Once you ferret out the reasons behind your poor treatment of yourself, be sure to apply compassion, but not humiliation. Do not beat yourself up. Smile at the small and child-like person you were when you did whatever it was you did, or did not do. Like I said before, apologize and change your behavior.

This applies to the appraisal of yourself, as well as to an appraisal of how you treat others. They key is willingness to look at yourself, again and again, and to correct what you find. You will always find darkness. But it is changeable, if you choose.

There is always light, also. Always. And sometimes you have to find the courage to recognize and admit to your positive points. If you were bullied or told you were no good at any point in your life, this may be difficult. Stick with it; it will come with time and commitment.

To find the recesses of your heart and its kind and gentle nature, it always helps to ask that greater power to assist you in your search.

Do you have trouble finding the bright knob of your heart when you do a performance appraisal of yourself? What does it feel like for you to acknowledge your goodness? How about your dark side? Can you adjust your thoughts and behavior when the dark side comes out?

Can you let your heart overrule that darkness? I hope you are able to see in yourself that shining heart, right in the middle of all that you do and all that you are, and that you can let it override your darkness.

Today we are talking about how to commit to the journey you are on, whether that is of awareness, healing, growth, or recovery. The verse begins, “The gate stands open, beckoning me to climb.”

Journey of Commitment

It goes on to talk about how each step leads further in your journey, offering the opportunity to examine yourself and your life – leaves that have fallen, leaves that will fall, and buds yet to form.

Once you begin the climb and commit to it, you recognize and accept that you will experience both rocky and smooth times, that it will be positive and negative, easy and hard. This is just how life is. It cannot be escaped.

You commit anyway, because you know that the reward of the journey is in each blossom and each leaf along the way. That IS the journey… the blossoms and leaves along the way just keep changing faces as one part of your journey ebbs and another flows. The journey changes, again and again, as you learn, heal, and grow.

You see, when you learn how to commit to the journey, you do not know what experiences and lessons will come your way, but you agree to yourself that you will stick it through. The experiences may be terribly painful, even unbearable. Yet, if you stick through it, you will heal from the pain with time and effort on your part. You will find your way to peace.

If you decide to commit to the journey of healing, I can only offer you what worked for me. I found it useful to engage in activities such as reaching out for help from therapy and support groups, and reading books about the type of pain with which I was dealing. Journaling about my deepest, most agonizing feelings was most useful.

Finding a close friend or confidant to talk with about my thoughts was also extremely helpful. That person became my spiritual coach and learning to rely on that power greater than myself became indispensable.  Learning to use all  the tools we have discussed, such as honesty, openness, willingness, humility, courage… these all helped.

It was most helpful to be useful to others, as that gave me a sense of mattering to someone in the world. What I discovered when I did all these things was that my journey’s face changed from pain and deep despair to that of joy and inner peace. Now, unpleasant situations occur, and I am curious to uncover the lesson to which the journey is guiding me.

I hope I have given you a sense of purpose for your continued journey, and let you know that there is great reward, even in the hard times.

Key of Willingness

As we move along in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, today’s topic is willingness. The verse reads, “All it takes is willingness to unlock whatever lies inside, to turn the knob and open the door… All it takes is a tiny opening, the size of a keyhole.”

Amazingly, if you show the slightest bit of willingness -to heal, to grow, to change – the Universe will help you by rewarding you with even more willingness. This is important because everything hinges on your willingness to be willing.

If you are not willing, for example, to have courage or to trust, to commit or to be humble, to be honest or to open your heart, all the forcing on your part will not get you anywhere. If, however, you are willing, those things will happen with little effort on your part.

I used to pray for the willingness to be willing. That may sound funny, but it worked! I was granted the willingness which changed my mindset around and made me more open to things, more open to change and to grow, to heal.

To find willingness in your life, try praying to whatever power greater than yourself that you have defined. Maybe it’s that doorknob you see in the picture. Make a conscious decision to be willing to see and experience things differently.

Seriously, all it takes is a decision the size of a keyhole. In other words, it takes a small amount of willingness to carry you a long, long way toward finding peace in your heart.

Try making that decision to be willing, or pray for willingness. What do you experience when you do this? Do you feel an opening of your heart, your soul? Once you try being willing, let us know what you find by leaving a comment.

As we move along in the book, one topic at a time, we come to how to find peace with an open heart. In the book, it’s called Openness of Heart.

Openness of Heart

The verse talks about how we go through life with a heart that is closed to life’s pains to protect our heart. The verse continues with, “If we allow our hearts to open, we will see things in a different light.”

“We will grow through the barriers of our heart and be able to fully experience the richness of life.” And we – you – find peace.

Along with an open heart comes an open mind. You must develop an open heart and an open mind to find peace.

How does this work? How do you come to have an open heart and mind?

You make a choice and you decide to see things in a different light. You decide to see the world and the people around you with more kindness, gentleness, and tolerance.

You begin to delight in people and their differences by opening your heart to them. Perfect example… Last weekend I was in a holiday craft show at the mobile home park where I live. The woman across the aisle from me had a table with lots of stuffed bears, around which she had placed small scarves she had knitted. There were other objects, as well.

Now, I’m not much iinto stuffed bears and the like, but I decided to look upon the wares at her table, and to notice her and them with an open heart. What I had the gift to observe was this woman, lovingly placing these scarves around the bears’ necks, then arranging and rearranging the bears and other items on her table.

The expression on her face was one of pure focus, pure love, and I was able to be a witness to that, simply by opening my heart to her and her product. It was priceless to watch her… My heart soared.

When you close your heart and mind to others, you miss out on priceless moments such as these. In fact, you miss out on peace in your soul. So, how do you find peace with an open heart and mind?

As I said, you make the decision to see with eyes of gentleness. You consciously decide you will be open-minded about what you encounter, that you will delight in someone’s differences. You consciously decide to not be fearful of their differences. Then, you view another with the eyes of the soul, viewing them as another child of the Universe, just like you.

You allow them to be different and praise the differences in them, knowing that the differences you witness add great richness to your life. You recognize that, to some, you and your expression of who you are will seem strange, and you smile at yourself when you think this, allowing you to be yourself with your strange habits. When you can do these things, you will experience peace of mind and openness of heart.

How do you open your heart, your mind, or, do you go about life with your heart and mind closed? Wouldn’t you like to experience seeing life with the eyes of your soul, being more gentle, kind, and tolerant? Try it. You’ll enjoy the feeling.

The next, most important, tool you can use in the pursuit of discovering the resiliency and beauty of your spirit is honesty. So, what is honesty? To what am I referring when I use that term?

I’m talking about the ability to look at yourself and admit to everything that you find – the way you treat others and yourself, what you think about yourself and others, your talents and strong points, and your weak points that need improvement.

In the book, the verse begins “I look at the ways in which I treat myself and others. Can I allow myself and others to see what I find, to see who I truly am?”  So you see, being honest also includes letting others see who you truly are.

Welds of Honesty

It ends, “Perhaps if I let go of the parts that do not serve me, I can weld my being with honesty. I can weld a secure and solid structure of great strength on which I can build my Self.”

As you can see. we’re trying to build a base upon which everything else about you is built. It begins with doing a self-appraisal to ferret out, first, how you treat others in your actions. List those points out. Are you kind, offensive, bullying, compassionate? List the positive and the not-so-kind.

Then, list how you treat yourself in your mind. Are you judgmental, always putting yourself down? Get it all down on paper. List first what you think about others, and then about yourself.

Finally, list all your positive points. Sometimes, this is the most difficult to do because we were taught not to “dote” on ourselves, that it is conceited. It’s not conceited to have a good feeling about yourself; it is self-love and the basis for all that you do and how you approach the world. Of course, you are going to want to be humble about what you find.

Once you have your lists, now what? Well, part of the answer to what is honesty is the ability to let others see you as you really are. Certainly, you are not going to display your negative ways of treating and thinking of others to them; that would be hurtful. But you will want to show who you are with your positive points.

You are going to want to let yourself shine, to share those parts of you that are sincerely who you are at your deepest, most gentle place. This is difficult for most, as it opens the door and makes you vulnerable. It is assumed it is an unsafe place to be. And sometimes it ios. You will have to assess that and only open up if it is safe to do so.

But I contend it is not an unsafe place, usually. In fact, I contend that by making yourself vulnerable, you show your human side and others can connect with you at a deep level. It takes courage and trust to do this. Ask for help from that power greater than yourself. See how each topic is beginning to build upon the preceding one?

Once you list out who you are, and begin to let that person shine, you will begin to feel a great freedom, as if a huge weight has been listed from your heart. It is the pathway to peace, to discovering the beauty of your spirit.

What are the ways in which you can be honest to yourself and others? Can you show people who you honestly are at your core? Is it a place of kindness or do you need some inner work? Let us see who you are by leaving a comment to share with us.

As we move through the book, the next topic we come to is humility. You may ask, what is humility? For me, it is a feeling of warmth, for when felt, it is a warm glow inside.

Warmth of Humility

It is interesting to note that courage and humility are two tools to use when discovering the resiliency and beauty of your spirit, which is what we’re all about on this blog. Both require action on your part.

So, what is humility? It is the state of being humble – the absence of pride or self-assertion. It is not the same as humiliation, which is what I first thougt it was. Oh, no. It is much more pleasing a feeling, not negative at all.

Humility is having or showing a consciousness of one’s defects or shortcomings. It is the display of modesty. When practiced, you feel neither small nor large, but right-sized.

Why is it an action word? Why does it require action on your part? Well, you make the conscious choice to incorporate its practice into your life and then you take action to put that choice into practice. You learn to neither tout or brag about your accomplishments nor minimize yourself. You demonstrate and practice self-love.

You see the blessings and gifts you have been given and give thanks for them. You can give credit to a power greater than yourself for their presence. See how trust ties in here? It’s all related…

You take action by participating in your blessings and gifts as you engage in what you have been given, in your talents. When you do this, there is a warmth that emanates from deep within. There is a deep appreciation of self and the power that gave you what you are. When you practice humility, there is a deep feeling of peace and joy.

What are your gifts and talents for which you are humble? How do you feel your humility? Is it a wonderful glow of warmth, like the warmth of the brass in the photograph? I invite you to share with us what it’s like for you.

“We all hold feelings of hurt, disappointment, grief, and despair deep within from which we desperately seek relief. We repress it, drink it away, or turn to another to make it right.” So starts the verse of the next topic, what is courage and how to find it? 

Spaces of Courage

The verse goes on to say that perhaps, rather than cast the pain out or give it to another, we find the courage to touch that oh-so-vulnerable spot, to hold the pain tenderly, gently, with great compassion. 

Then, if we can find the courage to invite in a sacred force to embrace those deep wounds with us, perhaps, we will be graced with the ability to befriend our pain and then, to heal. 

Courage is the ability to move forward despite fear. Webster defines it as the attitude of facing and dealing with anything recognized as dangerous, difficult, or painful, instead of withdrawing from it, the quality of of being fearless or brave. 

How do we find it in the midst of emotional pain that we so very much want to brush aside so we can feel better? We make the decision that we will move forward to feel it, despite the pain it brings, believing that by doing so, we will feel better in the end. It is important to show ourselves great compassion while we feel the pain.

In my experience, this has been the case. Yet, it goes a bit further for me, and that involves bringing in a sacred force to share in that pain with me. I ask for the relief from my pain. It seems to work better when I do this.

Standing in the face of something which frightens you may lead you to want to run, and you may procrastinate the action. In those situations, pray for the courage to proceed and that may help you to move forward. Ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen?

Usually for me, it has to do with someone yelling or getting mad at me. Upon further inspection of this, I realize that is probably not going to happen; those are old messages and occurrences from childhood. I soothe that small child who is afraid to move forward and I consciously become the adult, able then to take action.

The origin of this verse and photo is interesting… I wrote the verse verbatim while I was traveling in Baja, Mexico in 2003. I was in acute emotional pain over an unrequited love, and I pulled over to the side of the road and sobbed, as I wrote the words you have read above.

Then, in 2005, I was traveling in the backroads of Colorado and found this gate, with the church in the background. The two fit together very nicely. So you see, the words were written way before I knew anything about the gate. That is the case with three-quarters of the verses and images in the book.

How do you answer the question what is courage? What does it look like for you? How do you find it in the midst of emotional pain when you don’t think you can go on? I invite you to share to be of use to others who are struggling.

I would like to preface this post with two things. When I say how to trust in God, I am using the term God to mean a power greater than yourself, and it can apply to any other source of deity that you choose. I also present what worked for me to begin to trust, and do not claim to have all the answers.

That said, let’s look at how to trust in God. I had great doubt about God off and on throughout my sobriety. Yet, a belief in a power greater than myself to keep me sober was essential. Trust for the simple things came easily, but there was still the element that I needed to watch my back.

Shadows of Doubt

The photo in the book for doubt shows the predominant side in the shadows. When we doubt God, I believe we are in the shadows, a murky and somewhat dismal place to be. In opposition, the other side of the gate is bathed in sunshine and is the place where we wish to go.

How do we get there? In my experience, I felt that God was punishing me when bad or negative things were happening. I didn’t get that job I so desperately needed; it must be that God was punishing me.

The amount of belief I had that God was punishing me was directly proportional to the amount of fear I had that I would be punished by another. This was directly related to the healing work I needed to do about having been punished while growing up, and I had a lot of healing to do around that issue.

Nonetheless, I struggled to trust, as I knew my sobriety depended upon it. My spiritual advisor gave me the following advice. For me, it worked and soon I discovered how to trust in God.

Every time I took action on something and then let the results go – in other words did not force results – and something glorious happened that was far beyond my expectation or desire, I was told to consider that that was God working in my life. 

I was skeptical, to say the least, but I did this anyway. What I soon discovered was that there were lots of little things happening to me that I did not orchestrate but that moved me along in my healing process. Things like, a healer for the PTSD from which I suffered just showed up on my path. I partook of her services and was healed from my PTSD.

Lots of these type things began to happen and I was noticing them all. After a period of about a year or two, I was realizing that I was trusting that God would do for me what I could not do for myself. I began to see God from the sunny side of the gate.

So, for me, it worked to notice all the things in my life that happened when I didn’t plan them or force them to happen. They occurred with grace. That is what I suggest you do to learn how to trust in God.

Do you currently trust in God? Did you struggle for that to occur? What worked for you to be able to trust? Leave a comment and help another to discover a method that works for them.

Shadows of Doubt

The next topic in the book is doubt and the verse that accompanies the photo describes how difficult it is to get out of it… “I am mired again in the shadows of my doubt, my fear. I circle and circle and circle around the stones of my heart, caged, unable to pass through to the place where my heart is bathed in light.”

The doubt to which I referred in this verse was doubt of myself, as well as of a power greater than myself. Let’s look at both of these issues in two separate posts…

Interestingly enough, doubt and fear often go hand-in-hand. You may be doubting yourself, and at the same time, fearing you are not good enough, that you will not, or do not, measure up. Your doubt is manifesting as low self-esteem. How do you get past this?

For me, the first thing I must do is to realize I am doing this, to identify it. Then, I must acknowledge it, perhaps determine where it came from originally. It doesn’t work for me to cast it out; that’s what I did with my feelings when I drank and it didn’t work.

One thing that worked was to take an appraisal of myself, listing out all of my positive points. I had to be honest, though, and give myself credit for my good points. This worked except when I was feeling so much doubt, when I had a high amount of low self- esteem, that I was unable to see any good in myself.

In that situation, I sat down with a trusted friend who knew me and asked her to help me list out my positive points. Armed with that list, I kept it in a place where I could look at it often. I referred to it frequently to get used to seeing, for example, that I am a compassionate person who does kind acts for people.

I looked at the list to ease into my mind and heart all the good things about myself. Little by little, my self-doubt began to erode away, as did my low self-esteem. It took time, though… years. At the same time, I received therapy to deal with the original events that led to my low self-esteem and self-doubt. It was all worth it, even though it took a long time.

I am not saying that self-doubt or low self-esteem doesn’t come back, or won’t come around again. Occasionally they do for me. In those situations, I talk to myself, to the Powers that Be, and focus on my good. I list out my positive points, my fears, sometimes again and again. Given time, it resolves in anywhere from minutes, to up to a few hours.

You can do the same. Get to know your positive side. Keep looking at your list, even when it seems futile. Persevere. Let into your heart the knowledge that you are a good person. Get help if you’re stuck. I hope that your self-doubt and low self-esteem soon will slide away.

The power you gain by trusting in a force greater than yourself is incredible. Part of being able to move forward with awareness and discovering yourself involves being able to trust in something bigger than you are.

Offer of Trust

The verse from the book reads, “A way presents itself to me. But I cannot see where the path leads. Still, I am asked to trust. Is it safe? Do I have a choice?”

For me, I had no choice but to trust in something bigger and more powerful than me if I wanted to get and remain sober. After all, I had tried and tried to quit, but wasn’t able to until I let go, surrendered, and began to trust that a greater power could help me.

That was my story; yours may be quite different and have nothing what-so-ever to do with drinking.

The bottom line is, no matter what we try to do in our lives, there is a power greater than ourselves. Call it the Power of the Universe, the Powers that Be, Great Spirit, God, Buddha… the name doesn’t matter, it is the concept, the act of trusting a greater power.

We cannot see this power; it is intangible. And, yet, if you believe it exists, it can give you courage and strength to move forward and do things you are not able to do on your own.

Are you trying to love yourself, to have faith in yourself, to let your light shine? All of these things are achievable when you believe that there is something bigger than you, guiding you.

How does that work? I have no idea, yet, I have found it works very well. If you give up trying to accomplish things using your own will power, and focus on a power greater than yourself, almost effortlessly, things you have tried to accomplish begin to happen. You must take action, however.

It is not a matter of sitting around and expecting that this power will do things for you or drag you from one good thing to the next. Oh, no. It is more that opportunities begin to be presented to you, and you follow up and take action on them. You determine what that shows up in your life will be beneficial for you, and then you follow up.

When you do this, amazing things begin to occur. All it takes is faith in that power greater than you. It is amazing the power you gain by trusting in that force, believing that it can accomplish what you are unable to do using your own will power.

What are the ways in which you trust in that force? How does it work for you? I invite you to leave me a comment and let others see what works for you and the power you gain by trusting.

There comes a time in all your feeling of the difficult emotions that you begin discovering awareness of the possibilities in your life beyond those unbearable emotions.

Birth of Awareness

For me, it happened because I tapped into my ability to persevere past the despair, through the gate to my passions and desires, to the things in life to which I connect and delight. This began my aha! moment.

It was ever-so-slight, just like the opening of the gate pictured here. I began to notice the people around me who seemed to be happy in their lives, and I wondered why I couldn’t be also.

As the verse in the book says, “I allow myself my grief and sorrow, my sadness and anger. Then I turn my attention to the lushness I see beyond the opening… I decide to walk through the gate.”

You, too, can walk through your gate of sorrow and grief, your sadness and anger. It is a matter of hurting so much, that you believe there has to be something else in the world around you to which you can connect and delight.

All it takes is choosing to be aware of the little things in life that bring you joy, or that once brought you joy. Can you remember those times? Or that time? Think back. Certainly, there is something about you or your life that is a good memory. Focus on that.

Focus on those flowers in the garden that are so beautiful, on that delight shown by the older couple laughing, holding hands. Focus on that beauty, on them, on their happiness, not your sadness, and be happy for them. Believe that there is something out there in the world that can bring you happiness, too.

Learn to be aware of the world around you and the things that bring beauty into the world. Think of just one such thing a day. Then, after a week of doing this, add one more thing you notice that delights you, that brings you happiness. You can begin to change your beliefs.

You can begin the process of discovering awareness of the possibilities in your life. Use your imagination, that place deep within that wants to be happy, that wants to connect to the world around you, that wants to delight in something. Then, continue focusing on that… Can you begin to see your birth of awareness? It is my sincere hope that you can.

“I put on a courageous face and move bravely forward, but I feel lost and displaced. My heart dies, one piece at a time, behind a gate that rusts away.” So does the verse begin that accompanies the next topic in the book, Surrender of Pretense.

Surrender of Pretense

Can you relate? Are you dying inside while you present to the world that everything is fine? Are you trying to numb those feelings of pain with alcohol and drugs, with shopping or food, trying to keep them at bay?

It doesn’t work, at least, it didn’t for me. It caught up with me big time and my drinking drove me to a horrible emotional bottom.

There is a solution. It is to surrender the pretense that all is fine. It is as simple as letting go of the facade and asking for help from others and from the powers that be.

Easily said… let go… and difficult to do. Yet, the energy it takes to keep you from showing yourself and your pain is no doubt taking its toll on you.

Another way to say let go, is to say give up. Give up trying to prove that you’re strong, that all is fine with you.

Go ahead, try it. You will find that people are there with open arms, willing and able to guide you through your journey to healing. They will not think you are less than, or a failure, or a weak person. Oh, no. Instead, they will admire your strength.

So, go ahead… surrender the pretense that all is fine behind your gate of false bravado. Let go, give it up and see what magic appears.

Face of Despair

Moving on through the book, our next topic is despair. This is kind of like all the rest rolled into one. It is the feeling that nothing is right with you and your life, nor will it ever be. It is the feeling that your life has no purpose. For me, it was the point at which I began to pray to God to let me die.

I had been in sobriety for five years, and I didn’t know why I wasn’t feeling better, but I wasn’t. It was like all that I had endured in my life was for naught. I saw no purpose to my life.

Then it got better. It happened one day when I was at a support group, listening to a man share about the very pain with which I had been dealing.

Afterwards, I talked to him for quite some time, relaying information I had learned, the authors I had read, which had helped me through the pain he was describing. I even was able to refer him to a psychotherapist.

He was so relieved and appreciative, he almost cried. As I walked to my car, I realized I had been useful to him, only because of the experiences I’d had in my life, because of the pain I had endured. I realized that my past DID have a purpose and that was to help others who were dealing with the pain of their past.

In an instant, my life had meaning, the pain of my experiences melted, as I saw why they had occurred, why God had allowed them to happen. I realized those experiences had happened so I could heal from them and then help others to heal from them by speaking up, by sharing my experience of healing. Just like that, my despair vanished, never to return in the six years since this occurred.

To you who is dealing with despair, my heart goes out to you, for I remember how excruciating it was. In the gentlest of ways, I suggest you try to make sense out of the experiences that are bringing you despair by finding a way to make that experience of use to another person. Just one.

Look at that pain, and see how you can help another who deals with that same pain. Find authors who have written about the same experiences you have endured and read them to get a deeper understanding of your situation.

Above all, don’t negate your pain. Allow yourself to feel it, and to grieve about it. The more you squelch it, the more it will haunt you. Numbing it out will just prolong it and make you miserable in the meantime. Conversely, the more you deal with it head on, the more quickly you will heal. Recognize and allow the five stages of grief that I blogged about yesterday.

If you find just one person with whom you can share your steps to healing, you may feel what I felt – that your life has purpose. Once you feel your life has purpose, it becomes easier to continue, one step at a time. I wish you well on your journey of healing.

Our next topic on which I wish to focus is the agony of sorrow. I am referring to the sorrow or grief one feels with a loss in your life – of a loved one, a situation, or a happy childhood. All of these things bring up the feelings of grief and sorrow.

Agony of Sorrow

This image, with its reddened hue in the shadows of the gate, depicts the searing quality of sorrow and grief. It is a feeling like no other, and is difficult to get past, yet, it can be done, given time and understanding of the process that occurs.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross defines the five stages of recovery from the grief from the loss of someone to death. But the same five stages happen with any loss that occurs in your life, whether it is death, a change in your life that involves a loss, or the lack of a happy childhood due to being raised in an abusive environment, for example.

These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is helpful, perhaps, to understand these stages if you are experiencing grief and the agony of sorrow.

In denial, we are not able to look the loss straight in the eye. In the case of losing a happy childhood to abuse, you may deny that the abuse ever happened, yet, its occurrence will still have a lasting effect in your life. This may be a conscious or unconscious act, and it is perfectly normal.

Once you traverse the denial stage and admit the abuse happened, anger crops up. Using our example , you become angry that the abuse itself happened, angry that you never got to experience what other children experienced, and/or angry at the effects it is having in your life now.

Certainly, you are angry at the person who doled out the abuse. You may also be angry at yourself for letting it happen, when in reality, there was nothing you as a child could have done to protect yourself.

Once you have gone through an anger phase, you are ready for the bargaining stage. Again using our example, this may look like a bargain with God to remove the effects of the abuse. Generally, in this stage, you are not yet ready to forgive.

Depression is the next stage in the recovery from the agony of sorrow and grief. This is often an acceptance with emotional detachment and signals the first inkling that you are accepting of your past experiences. Often, you feel sadness, regret, and, perhaps, shame.

Once you have grieved the loss of a happy childhood in the manner described above, the final stage is acceptance. In this stage, you accept that you suffered abuse, and that it has lasting effects on you. Yet, you often accept, too, that the perpetuator was a sick individual and may be able to forgive. Or not. But at the least, you can accept the occurrence and the effect it is having upon your life today.

This is a brief run through of the recovery stages from grief and the agony of sorrow. It is a process that takes time, and is different for everyone in the length of time it takes. Loss due to death of a loved one is especially difficult, but, with time, can occur. There are other things that produce grief and sorrow which can also be grieved, as I have shown.

What are some of the things you have grieved and did you go through the five stages of grief? If not, how did you get past it? I would love to hear from you about your experience.

As we move along in the book, we come to the second topic, that of feelings of worthlessness. These first four topics are accountings of the difficult and challenging spaces in which I lived, prior to moving forward in my journey.

Corner of Worthlessness

I have learned, and feel quite certain, that it is necessary for me to acknowledge and feel those difficult emotions. It allows me to then grieve them, and to move forward in my heart. Such is the case with my feelings of worthlessness.

Many people do not feel this emotion, which always amazes me, for much of my life I felt worthless. I thought it was something everyone experienced. I believe it stemmed from the many messages I received that translated to my worthlessness, not being worth anything.

I say “stemmed” because I no longer feel worthless. But, as the verse that accompanies this photo says, I felt like “a heap of broken debris in the corner.”

How did I overcome those feelings? First, I got sober and began to feel my emotions acutely. That was very painful and difficult, but I stuck through it anyway, anxiously awaiting the day I would feel better.

Second, I thought about the messages I had received and from whom I had received them. Not to be judgmental, but I realized that that person was emotionally and spiritually sick themselves, and I asked to be shown the way to be useful to them. This led me to compassion, which then led to forgiveness.

So, I had to honestly consider all the ways in which I was told or shown that I was worthless, and objectively consider their truth. What I realized was, the messages were an assault to my Being, not true at all.

Even with that knowledge, however, I still had the feelings of worthlessness. Over and over again for quite a while, I told myself that what I’d been told were lies, not the truth, that they were the words of a sick individual.

For me, it took time and continual awareness of those feelings of worthlessness cropping up. With the awareness, came the consciousness of their falsehood, their slight against my Being. I reminded myself again and again that is not who I am, that worthless does not describe who I am.

I began to write in my journal about my worth, with my left, non-dominant hand, and all sorts of things poured forth in support of my worth. I kept reminding myself of these points when I slipped back into feelings of worthlessness.

Then, one day, I just stopped feeling worthless. I began to feel I was worth something, shyly at first, but worth something. That feeling has grown slowly and hesitantly over the past few months, until one day, I could say aloud, Carolyn, you are a person of great worth! What a freeing realization that has been for me!

So, I say to all of you who have feelings of worthlessness that you are actually a Being of great worth and value. You may not feel convinced, yet, over time, perhaps you can discover that it is so. If you’ve healed from feelings of worthlessness, what worked for you? Please share it so it can be useful to others.

Yesterday, after describing how the book was created, I talked about the two year time period when I dealt with the fear of exposing myself and my deepest journaled thoughts to the world by publishing my book. It took slow and steady coaching by someone who has grown to be a dear friend. What follows today are the ways in which I moved through that fear.

When you present yourself to the world in whatever manner, it is not unusual to experience the fear of exposing yourself. Perhaps you are afraid of being judged, rejected, ridiculed, or belittled in some way. The reality is, one or all of these things may happen, especially judgment or rejection, and it is easier to handle them if you are prepared.

How do you move through that fear of letting others see who you are , knowing of the possible consequences? It is helpful to focus on loving and serving others, instead of focusing on the fear and possible consequences. Focus on the fact that what you have to share is valuable to others and that you are depriving them to live a full life by withholding your light.

I recently learned in a seminar that in the first three to five seconds, we are judged on eleven points. This is just human nature. To get through the fear of encountering these judgments, understand that the judging will occur. So might rejection. Accept this. Allow your desire to shine in the world be stronger than caring what others think of you. Focus on the tips I mentioned above.

Accept that what others may think of you may not be who you are at all, and find the courage to proceed past the point of fear. Focus instead on your message, on what you want to present to your world, and the use it will have for others. Concentrate on that as you take action, but take action. You may find that once you begin to move forward through the fear, it is not as bad as you thought, and you will likely gain strength to keep on moving.

In the case of being ridiculed or belittled, move away from those that would do this to you. You do not need to tolerate belittlement or ridicule. No one is deserving of that behavior from another. Move away, hold your head and heart high, and keep moving forward into your Being.

I am hopeful that you are able to get the courage to show the world who you are. If you have been having difficulty letting others see your Being, letting them see who you truly are, and you try any of these tactics, I’d love to hear how they worked for you.

Yesterday, we finished with the topics in the book and today we are starting at the beginning of the book and going through each topic, one-by-one. We ended in joy, serenity, and peace, and it’s nice to know that that’s where we’re eventually headed.

Webs of Fear

The book begins with fear. Interestingly enough, it was the verse for the picture on the right that led me to realize I was writing a book. Up until that point, I had no idea I was creating one.

“Over here,” I was photographing these great wrought-iron gates, and “over there,” I was journaling every day to sort out my feelings and emotions, and to preserve my sobriety.

One day I wrote in my journal, “I have spent a lifetime spinning webs of terror and shame between the spires that stand as sentinels to my heart.”

I immediately stopped, flabbergasted, because I had just titled the image above “Webs of Fear,” in preparation for showing it in a gallery. These words I had just written gave voice to the photo far beyond the visual element.

Well, this prompted a search of all my journals and soon I had found prose that fit about 25 gate photographs. It was at this point that I realized I was creating a book. For the next six years, I gathered together the prose and photos, ending up with a book with 42 photos, prose, and titles. During that six years, I also spent time gaining the courage to present it to the world.

And that is the story of how the book was created. Tomorrow, I’d like to deal with the fear you experience when you step into your Being, when you step up for all the world to see you. This is what I experienced when I started to get my book published. It stopped the process for two years, as I dealt with and overcame that fear. I’ll relay some tips of how I was able to bring my book, and myself, out in the world.

Promise of Peace

And, so, we are brought to the last topic in my book “Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.” It is peace. The verse in the book is: “When I practice the principles of love for myself and others, the gates of my heart melt into the glow of dusk and peace rises to greet me.”

Even as I type that and read it aloud to assure it’s correct, I feel a deep, calm and settled  feeling in my heart. Knowing what path my life took to get me to this peace, it feels like a miracle and makes it all the more special.

Has it really been ten years ago that I was in deep depression and in the depths of despair, only able to drink and cry over an unrequited love for which I left my 20 year marriage? At the time, I thought I wanted to die, and stopped feeding myself to that end. Later, I would realize that the unrequited love got me out of my highly dysfunctional marriage. So, it was a gift for me.

But I couldn’t see that at the time and, so, proceeded to drink myself into oblivion every day for months. Finally, I got the spark of a will to live, and during that moment of clarity, I realized I needed to stop drinkiing. So, I set off to San Diego from the San Francisco Bay Area, to live with a girlfriend and get sober.

Now it is ten years later and life has become a gift and a blessing, filled with great joy and inner peace. In the interim, I have been through hell and back as I have had to feel my feelings and pain without numbing them with alcohol and drugs. In the process, I have developed a whole new awareness of myself and the world around me.

I have been reconfigured into a different person. I have learned to love myself and then others. Compassion, tolerance, and respect have filled my life and heart. I have found the peace for which I searched in my marriage and my drinking. Funny how I had to leave both behind to find it…

The journey I took is what is reflected in my book. It uses photographs of wrought-iron gates I took and verses with inspirational quotes about life that I wrote, to show the path I took in my travels to wholeness. It’s not a how-to book, yet if you purchased it and followed the steps I took along the way, perhaps you would find peace, also. And if you’ve found peace within, then join me in to book for a quiet , yet, triumphant celebration.

Balance of Serenity

“I am serene, carried by the winds to places where I am held in balance with great beauty and strength.” These are the words in my book that are paired with this photograph. They so beautifully describe today’s topic – serenity.

Webster defines serenity as the state of being serene, which is defined as not disturbed or troubled, calm, peaceful, tranquil. These are all descriptions which aptly describe the feeling when you experience serenity.

Have you experienced it? It is a feeling that envelopes you with all good things. When serene, you can float through life’s challenges, accepting of what occurs as you go through your day.

It is a place that I, as a person in sobriety, wish to be because I don’t get agitated and want to drink to dissolve that agitation. It is a place that I, as a compassionate being, wish for others to experience because it is such a luscious feeling.

When experiencing serenity, you are more accepting of what is occurring in your life, and you’re able to think more clear-headedly. This is such a valuable benefit of being serene. 

How do you get to serenity? Well, you make the decision to be accepting of things that are occurring in your life. You feel your emotions, not numbing them or keeping them at bay, but experiencing them and then going forward with acceptance. You find the courage to take action when necessary to keep yourself safe. 

Serenity happens when you follow this simple serenity prayer… “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Celebration of Choices

Let’s move on in the book to the next topic… that of choice. The little man with a top hat on, to the left, is celebrating with his arm raised in the air, because he has discovered he has choices. His heart is full.

I can also celebrate the fact that I have choices, too, for I do, with everything I do, everything I feel. Up until about five years ago, I got angry when people said I could choose to be happy. I couldn’t. I needed to heal from my emotional wounds first.

The magical thing I learned is… I always have a choice, even then, when I wasn’t healed. Before I was healed, my choice was to take responsibility to heal. I was choosing not to do that, but I was doing the best that I could at that time.

Once I took action to heal from my wounds with such things as therapy and getting sober and sticking with it through the horrible emotional times, I began to heal and I began to be grateful for little things in my life. With that small amount of gratitude, it grew into more gratitude.

I realized I always had a choice when I began to learn to be grateful. Once I learned how to choose gratitude, I was able to choose to be happy, to see the bright side of my life. This does not negate my need to have mourned and grieved my life to that point; I needed to do that first.

But even that was a choice, as opposed to being stuck in the misery in which I was stuck. And I was really stuck – always blaming others for my sadness, my wounds. When I made the choice to become responsible for my healing and to stop blaming other people, places, and things, it all began to change, although I wasn’t aware of it yet. It was learning to be grateful that changed my perception of choice in my life, as I described above.

Being consciously aware that I have choice in every matter in my life was extremely powerful. It still is empowering. I use my choice to get out of bad situations and relationships. I use it to choose how to take care of myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I choose when to speak up for myself, and when to remain quiet. I consciously choose how to go about each day.

There are consequences for every choice I make and it is my choice to accept the consequences of each and every choice. Sometimes, they are negative, and I make another choice. That’s the thing about choice… I can always choose again.

Do you see that you, too, have choices in your life? Or are you stuck, staying in that dead-end relationship out of the fear of being alone? Or, continuing to drink when your life is hell because of it and you’re dying inside? Do you see you have a choice to heal? I hope you see the choices in your life, for knowing that you have choice brings great freedom and peace to your life. At least, it did to mine and I hope it does to yours.

Burst of Joy

As we move along through the topics and inspirational quotes about life that appear in my book, I am going to deviate a bit and take one out of order. It is appropriate to express it now and it has to do with joy.

I discuss it now for a very special reason, for I found in my spam folder many, many positive comments about my blog, and it made my day. My heart bursts with joy! Thank you so much, all who commented.

So, why joy over this? Well, I have been blogging for quite some time and have not had comments. I have felt like I was speaking to a void, and now I know people are reading and are liking what I say.

It means so much to me to see comments because it tells me I am being useful to you. And that is my passion – to be useful to you. It warms my heart, feeds my soul, and brings me joy. Thank you again.

Joy is a feeling of exhilaration, a burst of the most extraordinary energy. It brings a huge smile to your face. It is a delight, a great pleasure. When you feel it, your heart lightens and opens up.

The most simple things can bring you joy… observing a beautiful flower in bloom, watching a child at play, seeing an older couple walking along, holdiing hands. If you are alert and aware of what is going on around you, you, too, will feel joy at the simplest of things.

For me, I experience joy every day, and, in addition to the simple things like I mentioned above,  it’s because of the freedom I feel from my sobriety. By staying sober for many years, I have grown to be ever-mindful of what is going on around me, always aware of the little things. This brings me a deep, abiding pleasure, which I call joy. 

It wasn’t always that way. In fact, I have spent the majority of my life up until the age of about 49 when I got sober, feeling “less then,” hating myself, worthless, and blaming others for these things, as well as for my despair and my wounds. It didn’t happen overnight in sobriety that those things went away; it took hard work on my part, examining honestly who I was and what my part was in the woundedness I felt.

What I realized was, I was responsible for my emotional state, for healing from my wounds. When I realized this and set about understanding and healing from my pain, I eventually came to the point where I was able to forgive and this took a huge burden from me. Since that point, I have been able to experience joy. I notice it when I am living in the moment.  

My book is filled with inspirational quotes about life which, when practiced, will lead to joy.  If you are one who commented and said you really like what I am sayiing in my blog, then you will love my book, because the blog is based upon the topics in the book. The verses in the book are just shorter than the blog, yet, the tone is the same.

I invite you to email me at carolyn@gatelady.com with requests to do guest posts for my blog, as well as allowing me to guest post on your blog. This holds true for exchanging links, as well. I further invite you to purchase a copy of my book, for it will bring you joy. It is my mission and goal, my passion, to help others find joy. So, here’s looking at you with joy!

Ah, gratitude. In my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, the verse for gratitude is: “When seen with eyes that appreciate, everything in and around me becomes more pleasing, more beautiful.”

Visions of Gratitude

And it’s true. The more you express appreciation for things around you and for things going on in your life, the better you will feel about everything. 

You scoff. I know that feeling. Years ago, when I was going to a support group to help with remaining sober, the topic of discussion was gratitude for five meetings in a row. I was disgusted, as I could not feel gratitude for the way my life was going, nor for past experiences.

But I did what was suggested, which was to make a list every day of ten things for which I was grateful. I did this begrudgingly, with anger. I choked on my words…

Then one day, things began to change. I was feeling so much love for my life, the people in it, and my experiences, that I began to feel gratitude for them all. My past painful experiences, after all, had made me into the sensitive and compassionate person I am today, allowing me to have empathy for those who endure what I endured.

Speaking about my past and how I have healed from it can be useful to others. That is the basis for my gratitude when I think of past painful situations. That holds true in current day also, which is what allows me to be grateful for my past, just as it happened.

In present day, you can consciously take yourself to gratitude. For example, I recently got a jury summons and it conflicts with my schedule. Rather than get angry for the inconvenience, I take note that they allow you to change your date of appearance, and this is something for which I am grateful. I changed my day without grudge for having to serve.

At a street fair over the weekend, I sold one book. Rather than being bummed that I did not sell more, I choose the attitude of gratitude for the chance to share my book with that one woman and her 19 year old special needs son.

Yes, gratitude is a choice you make, over each and every occurrence throughout the day. If you choose gratitude as a way of life, life becomes easier, more beautiful. The end result is the feeling of being soothed. Life flows easily when one chooses gratitude as a way of life.

What are the things in your life today for which you are grateful?

Knowing how to live in the moment is a blessing and an acquired skill. At least, that has been my experience. It is a blessing because it brings peace of mind to you whose minds are always turning, fretting over the past or the future. This would be me, both in the past and all-too-often in the future…

Once you focus on what is immediately in front of you, there is no way your mind can be cluttered with worry or doubt, past or future. Sometimes, when we learn how to live in the moment, it is as simple as looking at a flower and marveling in its beauty.

Sometimes, you have a project you are working on, and simply focusing on the next task involved with your project will help you live in the moment. Become totally immersed and absorbed by each small task, one at a time, and soon you will see that you are in the moment.

Moments of Wonder

What you will find in these moments of present, are moments of wonder at the beauty and rightness all around you. Hence, the title of the photo to the left. I took this photo in February of 2004, and it wasn’t until November of that year that I saw this star. That was because I could not slow down and just look at what was in front of me.

In fact, I had to stand away from the image, across the room, before I saw the star, shining like a beacon. In that moment that I saw it, I was struck with wonder. Thus, this photo was easy to title…

Here are a few tips to help you learn how to live in the moment:

•  Slow down. Stop your action, whether of your mind, body or both.
• Pick an object upon which to focus your attention. Often, things from nature work well.
• Consciously examine the small, intricate details of the object and marvel at their presence.
• Recognizing that you are living that moment in the present, turn your attention to a project at hand. 
• Determine the very next step that has to be taken. Focus on that step, and that step alone.
• Complete that step, that task, and keep your mind on it and nothing else. If your mind strays, bring yourself back to the task in front of you.
• Once that step is completed, choose the next step to be completed, and focus on it alone.
• Repeat this process, again and again, focusing only on what is right in front of you to do.

Soon you will find that you are living in the moment. I say this like it is easy to do, and like I am a master at it. Heavens, no, I am not. In fact, I just got back from a family reunion at which I had a terrible time focusing on the moment, as I was so busy worrying about the future. I missed a lot because I did not focus on what was going on right in front of me. I am sad about that now. Of course, it cannot be changed, but perhaps, I can do better next time. It just takes mindfulness.

May you do well as you practice how to live in the moment and to find wonder there.

When you are accepting of your path in life, things move along smoothly, gracefully. It’s as if you flow from one thing to the next. ”When we become entwined with our path, the steps become as soft as velvet, and the ascent flows smoothly.”

This is different than being resigned to the flow of life. When resigned, there is an attitude of defeat. You are battling to make things go a certain way. Often, you are angry or bitter, blaming the situation for any feelings of unrest you may have.

Path of Acceptance

When I became sober, I accepted what was going on around me, but I was resigned with defeat. It was a very heavy feeling. Somewhere along the way, things changed for me and I began to gracefully accept that things were as they should be in the Divine world. I had finally gotten to the realization that when there was nothing I could do to change something, then accepting it became the softer and easier way. 

I am not saying that you should resign yourself to a situation if there is something you can do to change it. On the contrary, you can take action to try and change something. But when your actions do not impact the situation, when you keep hitting a wall, then it is time to gracefully accept what is happening.

Acceptance also applies to your feelings. If you can accept what you are feeling at any given time, then it is easier to flow through those emotions, and to heal if that is what is needed. So often, we ignore or discount or deny our feelings and that just intensifies them. Again, the easier softer way is acceptance of them. 

To reach acceptance, perhaps it is helpful for you to pray or to meditate. This helps you let go of the way you want something to turn out, and allows the Divine to work in your life. If you then feel sad or hurt over the results,m then accept that also. If you do, that emotion will pass more quickly. It is helpful in accepting your path in life to just let go, to surrender, to accept. It leads to peace.

Shades of Harmony

“When do we take the time to just listen to the breeze, the quietness, the ramblings of our mind, or the world around us? When do we simply rest, quietly connecting with ourselves and all that is vast and wondrous around and within us?”

Perhaps, we don’t take this time. Yet, it is so important to participate in introspect and self-reflection. We are always bustling, moving quickly from one activity to the next, watching TV or listening to music, never taking the time to sit quietly with ourselves.

This is such an important activity in which to engage, as it allows us to become centered, grounded. Introspect allows us to examine our thoughts, our beliefs, our actions and our interactions with others. Introspect allows us to determine if we have approached ourselves and others with love.

It is a time of sitting idle to allow ourselves to observe what is happening in the world around us, and to determine how we fit in. Activities such as meditation and yoga provide a framework in which to practice introspection.

Other activities might include sitting on the bank of a lake, river, or the ocean, allowing our thoughts to follow the meandering, rhythmic movements of the water. Or, we can sit on our front porch and watch the activity around us.

The benefit of taking time alone, without noise distraction, is a great connection with our innermost self. We can reach that part of us which is love. From that point, we can them touch others with harmony and love. We become available to ourselves and others when we practice introspect.

Post a comment, telling us what the ways are in which you practice introspect and self-reflection? What are the benefits you reap?

Invitation of Dialogue

“If we as individuals cannot speak to each other, how, then, can we as nations achieve peace?”

Perhaps the one thing that furthers peace in your world is the way in which you speak to people. So, what is communication? Sometimes, you are friendly and cheery, while other times, you are gruff and impatient, maybe even defensive.

What is going on inside you when you are cheery in your communication? Most likely, you are feeling good about yourself. But when you are feeling “less than,” fearful, or not good about yourself, do you communicate gruffly, with impatience, perhaps even lashing out at another and putting them down?

When I say what is communication, what I’m talking about is your ability to be honest and let another know when you are feeling afraid, or badly about yourself, instead of lashing out. So many times, I hear one person berating or criticizing another, and wonder how badly they must be feeling inside. That doesn’t excuse the berating and criticism, but it is a good chance to practice compassion for them.

So, how can you speak with respect and caring to another when you are angry or feeling poorly inside? Perhaps, just honestly letting the other know what you are feeling, stating simply, “I am angry,” “I am afraid of xyz right now,” or “I feel awful about myself.” The important thing is to own your feelings, rather than saying “You make me feel…”

These things are challenging to say to another, I know. It takes commitment and practice. Above all, it takes being in touch with your feelings in the moment. Perhaps you can make an agreement with a close person in your life whom you trust to practice speaking in this manner. Set the ground rules up front, getting an agreement from the other to not criticize you for what you are about to say.

Infusing your talk with positive and honest words gets you a long way to peace…  Practice being candid with someone about your feelings and see what happens. Did it avoid an argument? Did you feel better about yourself? Did it preserve peace?

Cultivation of Differences

Perhaps the most notable difference you can cultivate is that with people of different color. In this photo, I make a strong statement about that difference. You can learn that people are just people, with the same fears, insecurities, and desires to be liked that you experience. We all bleed the same color of blood, have the same internal organs; the skin is just a covering of that which is similar in nature.

Along with differences in color, you will find people with differences in customs. Learning and celebrating these differences provides a delightful tapestry in your life, adding richly to your own customs.

Then there are differences in beliefs. I am not advocating that you cultivate differences when they are harmful to yourself or others, but, rather, when they enhance your sphere of belief. For example, people who pray to a different source than you can be considered fascinating. Just because they are different than you does not mean you must be defensive about what you believe. Your beliefs are just as valid.

When you cultivate differences with those that are different than you, a whole other world opens up. For example, I used to frown upon, and yes, even look down upon, people with tattoos. Then I got into sobriety and started learning to accept others as they are. What I discovered was that the most beautiful words came out of the mouths of people with tattoos, just like those that came out of the mouths of people without them. My whole outlook changed and I relaxed around them, letting them be, enjoying their words.

As you cultivate the differences you find in the world, it lends to your healing emotional pain, as you will find that you are more tolerant and respectful of your differences. It leads you to accept yourself more, celebrating your uniqueness. This helps heal a wounded psyche. What are the differences you can start cultivating today in your life?

Grace is a beautiful benefit that comes after healing emotional pain. Gently, quietly, an unearned favor of great beauty and pleasure is bestowed upon you. It is as if a cloak of goodness has slowly descended to shroud you.

Sweep of Grace

Grace is defined as beauty or charm of form, composition, movement, or expression. It’s an attractive feature. When you feel it, it manifests as thoughtfulness for others, and for what is right and proper all around you.

When you feel grace, a feeling of tenderness flows forth from you. It’s as if you want to gather close all the world, tenderly embracing everything. To get to this place, one must have experienced forgiveness for the transgressions of another and learned to show loving-kindness.

How do you know when you are feeling grace? You will know because everything will look rosy and will flow easily. A smile of knowingness will be present. Everything just feels right.

How have you experienced grace and how does it feel for you?

Healing emotional pain can occur when you look at your character, the parts of you that make up your morals, your beliefs, thoughts, and actions. Where and how has your character grown over the years? What is the progress you’ve made in becoming a more compassionate, tolerant , and kind person?

If you look at yourself from that light, you will most likely see growth that has occurred over the years, especially if you have been working consciously to improve yourself. You need to consider that growth as you continue healing emotional pain.

Growth of Character

Just as you look at your own growth of character, it is necessary to consider the growth of another’s character. Look at how they have grown over the years, the strides and changes they have made in themselves. Once you identify these changes, it is easier to get to compassion and forgiveness of another.

Try looking at all the moss and lichen that has grown over the years. Consider it beautiful, for both yourself and others. Perhaps you will gain some healing of your emotional pain.

Good morning. I find it interesting that, having blogged about judgment, other experiences happened that got me to look at the way I judge things. It’s as if it shows up everywhere as a means to look at my thoughts and judgments, and to heal from them, to ask for help to correct them.

For example, after my last blog, I was on hold on the phone for a long time and there was music playing. I noticed that I was judging it… “this is too chaotic and irritating,” or, “this is mellow and soothing.” It was that continual litany of judgments I referred to in my last post. I do this when I am around people, also. A continual assessment of what I like or dislike. Do you do this?

Practice of Tolerance

At first I was appalled, and then I had to smile, realizing that I can just notice my thoughts and say to myself that I don’t wish to be so judgmental. I have to, actually choose to, look at myself with tolerance. And that is today’s topic… tolerance. Certainly, I am a supporter of being tolerant of others, and especially of their differences, but I wish to focus on tolerance for ourselves.

There has to be a distinction between tolerance for bad behavior, i.e. hurting another or ourselves, and I don’t think we should tolerate that. But we can still look at bad behavior and say to ourselves we no longer wish to do that, and then ask for help from Source to dispel it.

I’m referring to just sitting with our thoughts and tolerating them, bringing ourselves to awareness for having negative thoughts, rather than beating ourselves up. I don’t think that solves anything other than making us feel badly about ourselves.

So the next time you find you are having thoughts or acting in a manner that disturbs you, take a minute to just reflect upon it, and offer yourself tolerance. Not excuses… just tolerance. Then ask for help to change that from the source that guides you, and see what happens.

Why do we judge people so harshly for being who they are, if their actions and behaviors feed their spirit and are not harmful to themselves or others? Is it because we are afraid of them and their differences, and/or is it because we’re not feeliing okay about ourselves?

As it turns out, I am grateful to have become an alcoholic, because I was forced to learn how to assess myself pretty honestly. I did not feel good about myself. Lots of assessment and healing later, I began to see how my negative thoughts about others were very morally judgmental, in response to my fear and esteem issues.

It was through the process of self-appraisal that, as I began to feel better about who I was and took responsibility for my thoughts, the less I handed out moral judgment, the less I denigrated their soul. So maybe the more we love ourselves, the less we judge others negatively.

Absence of Judgment

I notice a whole litany of judgments running through my mind at any given moment, always judging another, as well as myself. First, I see myself noticing things about people and then judging them as safe to be around.

That is inate in all of us. It part of the automatic fight or flight mechanism – to continually assess our situation so we keep ourselves safe. We just do this, it just happens. It’s unconscious much of the time.

Yet, for me, the judgment takes on a tone of morality, sometimes indignantly, because I’ve continued my assessment, which includes deciding whether someone is good or bad.

By having these thoughts about someone, do I not set up an energy that they can feel on a soul level and it denigrates them as a person? In sobriety, I decided I wanted to stop denigrating people in my mind.

Initially, it was a conscious thought to go to that place where I said to myself, “Isn’t that interesting what that person thinks or is doing?” and leave it at that.

***** This only applies, of course, when the person is not being harmful to himself or others. That’s a whole other discussion…

Now I more automatically notice when I am judging someone, and this allows me to stop doing it. I find myself really enjoying what that person has to offer.

I have experienced the most beautiful moments with people whom I used to judge as bad. What an awesome discovery that was, and continues to be, as a result of my attempts at learning to lessen and negate my moral judgment.

Wow. What a long way to peace that would go if, once assessing that we’re safe, we stopped with our moral judgment of others. Would it be a world  filled with more happiness and the experience of more wondrous moments?

And if we stopped with the moral judgment of ourselves, would we each experience more happiness within, leading to our inner peace?

Respect of Individuality

“We ask of others to follow our dreams, to be like us. Why?” This is the inspirational quote about life that begins the verse for this image in my book, Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. It is a question I have asked myself for years, having always been compared to others and expected to be like them. My dreams were thwarted in favor of another’s. This, along with the denigration of who I was, gnawed away at my very soul. It degraded my self-esteem and my self-image. It set the stage for a very difficult life and it was one of the reasons for my heavy drinking, as I tried to numb out feelings of inadequacy.

One of the most important things we can do in life is to respect and celebrate one’s individuality. This type of recognition helps that person flourish and grow to their intended heights. To respect another’s uniqueness is to acknowledges a Creator’s handiwork.  It recognizes another as a Being in this world, just like you or me.

Often, it seems, people are not recognized for their individuality. Like the first line of this verse, people are asked to be like us. This may be because we fear those who are different than us. It could also be a reflection of our own inadequacy or feelings of low esteem. We tend to negate others when we are not feeling very good about ourselves, in an effort to build ourselves up. Of course, this is done at the expense of another. If we are having difficulty respecting others, perhaps it is time for a self-appraisal, a time to honestly look at why we are unable to respect that person.

Having performed my own inventory as a part of my sobriety and having grown and healed some as a result, I have realized it is not necessary for me to be like others. I have learned it is important for me to be the individual I am, to let what is inside shine for the world to see. In fact, I now realize it is my job, if you will, to follow my dreams.  It is my responsibility to be the individual that I am, to do what I need to do to increase my own self-respect.

Ah, being responsible for my own esteem, my own individuality…  What does this mean? It means I need to focus my efforts on learning to respect myself in my actions toward myself, as well as the way in which I talk to myself. If I do not respect myself, how can I think that others will respect me? And if I am respecting myself, I will give off that energy, people will feel it, and I will attract respect.

Does that mean that if we run across someone who does not respect themselves then that is a reason to disrespect them also? Actually, it means we need to extend even more understanding, love, and compassion to that wounded person. It means we show them respect until they can find it for themselves.

How is your level of respect for yourself? Have you found it, or are you still searching for it? As you assess how you treat others, do you treat them with respect for who they are, regardless of how different from you they may be, regardless of whether you approve of what they’re doing? That gets into judgment, which is our next topic…

Let’s celebrate the talents and skills and differences of each other, encouraging others and ourselves to greatness, daring to stand out, to be unique, to be individual!

Acknowledgment of Others

At long last, I return to the blog. I took the last topic of patience and really put it to the test. Perhaps I have lost some of you… that is my fear. If not, thank you for your patience. It’s appropriate that today’s topic is acknowledgment, as I wish to acknowledge my lack of writing for almost a month.

I was in Pennsylvania from the end of May until June 6th. Since my return, I have been unable to sit down and write. I have had trouble getting back into my work routine, period. I have taken three weeks to pull together  documentation for an application to a health care program. In the process, I learned to do a profit and loss statement for my business, so it turned out to be positive.

As a review, what we are doing with this blog is this: In my blog, I write on the topics that are in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing, in the order in which they appear in the book. We are going from fear, worthlessness, sorrow, and despair, through discovery and awareness, to lessons learned about how to treat ourselves and others. Finally, we reach joy and peace. It is a chronicle of my own journey from the depths of despair and praying to die, to wholeness and happiness, joy and peace. I’m glad you’re joining me on the journey.

I have to acknowledge that one reason I have procrastinated is because I am uncomfortable writing the blog using my new keyword phrases, inspirational sayings about…, inspirational quotes about… Sometimes, they just don’t fit. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable using them from blog to blog. I am concerned about what you, the reader, will think. Will you get impatient with it? I have to get past that as I am on page 1 in Google because of using those keywords and phrases. This reaches a large segment of people with which I would like to connect. So please have patience with me as I continue this practice.

On with acknowledgment… In the book, there are inspirational sayings about love, about how we can show love by acknowledging others. “We go within so we can reach out to others, and we reach out to others so we can go within,” is one such example. “We need to matter to each other, and to ourselves,” is another.  I think it’s important to acknowledge another… a smile to one on the street, a clerk waiting on a customer, a response to a loved one when they are talking. It doesn’t have to be lengthy or complicated, but it is so important to show love and respect to others, and this is one way to do that.

In our, perhaps, haste to acknowledge others, we sometimes forget to show the same love and respect to ourselves. We brush aside our hurts, our pains, and do not take the time to feel them, grieving for what it is we have lost, giving importance to our feelings. They are not wrong, they are just what is. Once we can experience them, acknowledge them, we can heal from them, and gain the higher benefit from the experience. I think, too, that once we share what we are feeling, it makes us more human to others. We can all relate and connect at that place of hurt, as we have all experienced it. It is a part of living, a part of being human.

We can watch ourselves, as we go through our days, giving acknowledgment to others, remembering to offer it to ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts. We can remember to acknowledge ourselves when paid a compliment, also. So often, perhaps, embarrassed, or not feeling worthy, we brush it off. Does that not  negate the other person’s thoughts and feelings, showing them disrespect? Does that not belittle our strengths and who we are? Just some thoughts on quotes about life…

Inspirational Story about Patience
Early in sobriety, I was encouraged to learn the art of patience, to watch and wait for the evolution of life without forcing it. How does one do that who has raced around and forced everything their whole life ?  How do I learn to be patient? I was at a loss to know.

Like the patina’s growth on the gate, we’re asked to be patient while it forms. In this case, we’re asked to slow down, to patiently watch and wait as life unfolds. That is not to say we lay idle. Oh, no. We are still asked to take action on those things which come across our path that we are intended to do, that feed our soul. But then we must let go and let life unfold.

How can we take action while we still wait for the evolution of life? The point it, we do take the action, and then we turn our attention to something else, to the next thing that has crossed our path. We wait to see the results of our labor, but we don’t stop our lives while we wait. Eventually, life has a way of working itself out, if we can be patient while that occurs.

Sometimes, we may believe that our efforts in one area have been fruitless. Sometimes, it takes days, or even years, for a result of our efforts to be known. Do not be discouraged or go into despair during these times when patience is needed. Know that life will work out to our betterment, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Let it roll off the moments of time in a natural way. Practice patience while that happens.

How do we know when we are being patient? It’s a feeling in our being. It is one of quietness, gentleness. Angst and worry are absent. We can let the results go, without getting wigged out, without that tight feeling in our gut. We know we are being patient about our lives when we can turn our attention to our next endeavor, without angst or regret or wondering.

Do you display patinece while you’re waiting for the evolution of life?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the award-winning author, photographer, and publisher  of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. If you are celebrating a transitional journey you have navigated, if you would like to embark upon such a journey, or if you are in the middle of one and struggling, you will find yourself in the book’s pages. You will want to experience in your own journey what Carolyn has experienced in hers. This book uses a collection of inspirational sayings and quotes about life, which, when coupled with photographs of wrought-iron gates, shows one soul’s way to inner peace. Carolyn resides in the San Francisco Bay Area, where she lives with her feral cat, Izzy.

Rolls of Perseverance is the image of the day. No inspirational sayings, no quotes about life, just a discussion about practicing perseverance, especially in the face of discouragement.

The verse in my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing talks about the discouragement I try to ward off because I have not become the person I want to be. Instead, I hold tight to that vision of what and who I want to be, and keep moving forward to achieve that vision.

For example, I strive for being a person who is consistent in my efforts with the book, and with my blogging. As you well know, I am not consistent with the latter, and yet, I want nothing more than to be so disciplined that I blog on specific days, every week. I have great difficulty getting to it, as I seem to have with some other of my efforts.

Instead of beating myself up, which is my norm, I try to just keep working toward that goal. That is all I can do. The fact is, I AM beating myself up for my inconsistency and that behavior gets me nowhere. It paralyzes me, makes me feel guilty. These thoughts about my lack of action are not useful.

In fact, I believe we each do the best we can do at any given moment. We need to remind ourselves of this when we start to self-criticize. It might be helpful to see what is behind our lack of action. Is it fear, which it often is for me? Or, is it overwhelm, which is what it is in my case involving blogging consistently. Regardless of the root cause, we can continue to practice perseverance with our efforts, until we reach the vision which we hold for ourselves. In the meantime, we can be gentle with and kind to ourselves.

As you identify ways you would like to be, just keep practicing perseverance, plugging away a bit at a time as you are able. Soon, you will reach the goal simply by taking continued action.

Many people go from great despair and depression to hopelessness; they go hand in hand, it seems. It is possible to find inspirational sayings that help change hopelessness to hope, but we have to be in the right mind-set for them to sink in. Often, when we feel hopeless, we are not able let anything in – we are too exhausted emotionally to hear anything, too depressed to care, too bereft to sort out what is coming our way.

For me, hopelessness was a feeling that there was no use to live, no purpose to my life. I was totally listless and had no belief that things would get better. In fact, I felt so hopeless, I prayed to die. I found my thought that things could not get better, to be untrue, however. Hope crept in…

I am an inspirational sayings and quote kinda gal, and I found inspirational quotes about life that helped turn my hopelessness around. I just kept reading quotes. I also did a lot of recovery work involving much reading, and I was taking what I read and applying it to my situation.

Because of my work with sobriety, I reached out to help another and, through that action, discovered that the painful events of my lifetime had meaning and purpose. I discovered that when I relayed my story to another who was in pain, and humbly offered what I have found that helped me through it, he expressed gratitude for me sharing; he said it was very helpful to him.

As I processed what had happened, I realized that my painful experiences in life had been necessary so I could relate to this person’s pain and have compassion. I realized they were for the purpose of sharing them and the solutions I have found to heal from them. Suddenly, I had purpose! My life had purpose. I felt useful to others. It was this realization that led me to come out of despair and to feel hope. In fact, I have not felt hopeless since that day. What a blessing; such a gift.

I think when we do for others, we can recognize that tender part of our heart. Seeing that in ourselves, it resonates with what we would like to be in the world – perhaps kindness, perhaps giving.  And we begin to say to ourselves that a person with a tender part in their heart cannot be all bad or worthless. That is a redeeming quality. Ah, a beacon of hope .

“May a ray of light across the bars of your being light your way, instill hope in your heart.” That is for those who struggle with hopelessness, worthlessness and is a modification of what is in the book, as I made it about you, and not me.  I like Kathryn Hepburn’s words, “People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw anyone out.” And I add, including yourself. Don’t throw anyone out, including yourself.

So move forward with intention (the aim of the root to anchor and the leaf to find the sun) and provide kindness to another (kindness-the touch of an innocent heart on the broken wing of a fallen bird).  Go with courage (the will to act in the face of fear guided by trust and the knowing of the moment) and go with trust (the arm that reaches through apparent circumstances and holds steadfast to identify with Source).

Overcoming insecurity and low-self esteem is a process. It takes conscious, focused, and consistent attention, especially if we have an extra-low esteem or very high insecurity. I believe the answer lies in learning to accept ourselves, just as we are. Hence, the title of the photo on the right, which is Acceptance of Self.

First, we need to be aware of how we currently see ourselves. We can ask ourselves questions about our esteem, our confidence. If we think of ourselves as “less than” others, then we are dealing with a low self-esteem and insecurity. We accept that and give compassion and soothing to ourselves. We treat ourselves with gentleness as we explore these feelings.

We understand that we are human and we embrace that. Not as an excuse for poor behavior, actions, or thoughts, but, instead, to allow ourselves to make mistakes, to be human, to have failings.

When we have erred, we can examine the situation and our part in it. Then we can apologize to the other, or ourselves, and we change our behavior. This action is our responsibility and, when performed, helps us feel better about ourselves, merely because we are being responsible for things we did that we didn’t like.

Another way to boost our esteem and lessen our insecurities is to do things for others. Sometimes, that’s as simple as smiling at someone as we pass, saying hello. It could be offering help to one in need, whether a stranger or someone we know. We take responsibility for being useful to others. This works well to increase esteem. It is said that if you want esteem, do esteem-able acts.

These are the things I have done that have allowed me to better my self-image and esteem, both of which were shattered when I came to sobriety. It has taken years, and I committed to the process which I have outlined. The result was tested last week in Allen, Texas, while at a signing event for my book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing.

I was well-received and people were giving me compliments right and left. In days before I felt comfortable with myself and who I am, I would have pushed away those words, discounted them, with sarcastic or humorous responses to another’s compliment. Now that I feel positive regard for myself, I was able to humbly accept what was coming my way, taking it in with gratitude and joy, knowiing that my message of hope had been heard. That made me feel good about myself, which, in turn, lowered my insecurity.

If you are dealing with overcoming insecurity and low self-esteem, try what I have described. You may find it helpful. Just remember that it is a process, one which takes time and persistence. I wish you well.

Thank you, Sherry Gaba, for your wonderful post. We had a lot of veiwers reading it.

Today, I wish to continue with the topics in the book, which brings us to forgiveness. This photo is entitled Tiers of Forgiveness, because, in my experience, forgiving is a process that occurs over time, in layers. It could be referred to as the process of forgiveness.

Sherry’s post is a good lead-in to forgiveness, as the ability to forgive is an ideal end- point when we deal with resentment. When we have identified the object of our resentment and have worked through it, we are ready to gain peace through forgiveness – peace with ourselves and, hopefully, peace with the other person(s). There is great freedom in forgiveness.

So, we have identified the person with whom we have a resentment, and we begin the process of looking at ourselves – our behavior and actions, our words and thoughts, and we accept responsibility for these. By that, I mean we hold ourselves accountable, make any amends necessary, which includes to ourselves, if we have treated ourselves badly. We “own up” to our bad behavior and compliment ourselves on the good.

It has been my experience that when I do such an appraisal, I see that, often, I have done the very thing for which I am angry at another. How can I be angry at someone, when I have done the very thing that brings me anger? I soften, recognizing our humanness, our woundedness, and I feel compassion, both for myself and the person I resented. Suddenly, the resentment has diminished. Done over time, this method is the process of forgiveness and can lead to peace. At least, that is what I have experienced.

Deciding to forgive is is a difficult decision to make. For me, it meant backing down from that stance which allowed me to be self-righteous, and, frankly, to play the victim. I believe I played that role in an effort to hurt and perhaps punish, the person I felt had wronged me. I find that I no longer need that role, and, again, life has been freer, and I have enjoyed a closer relationship with those I forgave.

If you went through the process of forgiveness, what improvements have you seen in your relations with others? Have you experienced peace as a result of forgiveness?

Guest Post By: Sherry Gaba, Recovery Coach & Author

Please welcome Sherry Gaba, who has written the dynamite book, The Law of Sobriety.

Revenge, negativity, hatred, scorn are just a few of the emotions that an individual can be carrying around with them without even being aware of the impact they have on their day-to-day lives. Every person on the planet has had experiences that are less than pleasant, some experiences that could even be described as horrific and traumatic. A question that you need to ask yourself is what are you doing with these emotions that you are carrying around like chronic baggage?

Have You Faced Your Resentments?

When facing your resentments, have you ever taken the time to evaluate the exact purpose those resentments have in your life? Are your resentments living in your head rent-free? This is a popular saying in the program and it makes a great deal of sense. Every human being is given 24 hours in each day, no more and no less. Time is the one resource that we cannot get more of.  Are you investing emotional energy in things that will benefit you or are you investing emotional energy by carrying around negative resentments? When you take the time to evaluate your resentments you may see how your choices aided in the outcome of situations that resulted with resentments.

Take Responsibility

The Law of Sobriety tells us that we need to take responsibility for the choices that we made in the past and the choices we will make in the future. When examining specific resentments, maybe towards a past romantic partner, a parent, an old friend, you will see where choices you made create a level of accountability. This is not to say that horrific things that happened to you are your fault, but it does reinforce that you no longer need to live in the land of victim. There are tools that you can use to help examine specific resentments with the desire of moving past that negative emotion that doesn’t serve you.

A Tool For Healing

Journaling is a great way to document your journey of recovery and can be used to let go of resentments. In your journal write a letter to the individual that caused you to have resentment. In this letter write down how you experienced the situation, what you felt and how this experience affected you. Use as many specific and detailed descriptions as possible to paint a very clear picture. While writing this letter try to express your accountability for your actions during this experience. Close the letter with a sentiment of forgiveness, even if you don’t believe it at the time.

The act of writing this letter and reading it out loud if desired begins the process of letting that negative energy go, releasing it into the universe. Continue to read the letter over time and you will find that you begin to believe the words of forgiveness and it is at this point when the universe knows that you have finally released that negative resentment that was taking up space in your mind and in your heart. Remember that if you are experiencing emotions that are negative, these emotions don’t serve you in a positive way. If something doesn’t serve you in a positive manner, you must learn to release those negative emotions to make room for emotions that will serve you.

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Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Life and Recovery Coach on Celebrity Rehab on VH1 and author of The Law of Sobriety which uses the law of attraction to recover from any addictions. Sherry can be reached at sherry@sgabatherapy.com for coaching packages, therapy, teleseminars, workshops, or speaking engagements. www.thelawofsobriety.com or www.sgabatherapy.com.

Acts of kindness need to be bestowed not only onto others, but to ourselves, as well. Frequently, we don’t treat ourselves very kindly; we speak in harsh tones, criticize, say mean things. Why do we speak to ourselves with such a lack of kindness? We don’t treat others in such a manner.

Why do we think we can speak to ourselves in disparaging tones, with disparaging words? Perhaps we feel there is something about us that “deserves” such a lack of kindness. But my guess is, we just don’t think about how we are speaking to ourselves. We don’t keep an eye on what we say to our psyche.

Try this: stop and listen the next time you speak to yourself. Did you chide or negate, bully or disparage? I suspect you are not as polite as if you were addressing a friend. Make it a habit to check how you are talking to yourself, a check-in, if you will.

All the while you are checking yourself, look at how you treat others. Is it kind? It doesn’t have to be complicated when we deal with others, yet, is it kind? Practice being kind to others randomly. Every time a kind thought crosses your mind, pass that along to someone. Soon you will feel a lightness associated with your dealings with others.

Do you practice acts of kindness to yourself and others?

“Perhaps, rather than thinking I must make my morals, truth, and integrity match another’s, I can determine what resonates with my own heart. When it does, I have the strength of a pillar.”

What resonates with your heart, your soul? Do you have difficulty standing up for your morals, truths, and integrity?  If you are able to stand up for those things in yourself, I applaud you. Sometimes, it is not easy.

Sometimes, when we’re so unsure of ourselves, or have been so beaten down, we take on another’s truths and morals. For me, I did that because I was afraid to speak my own truths. Heck, for many years, I did not even know my own truths. It took me many years into sobriety to begin to know them.

We can know deep within what our truths are. Then, speaking up can be gentle and quiet, with knowingness on our part. We don’t have to flaunt them; we can just know that we stand strong within ourselves.

How do we learn what our truths and morals are? Sitting down with paper and pen is effective as one approach. Write down everything about yourself, all the things that you believe about yourself to be true. Be honest and don’t be afraid to give due recognition to those lovely and delightful things you do. With your list, review your points until you begin to recognize them in yourself, until they become second nature to you. You will identify those things that resonate in your heart. When you do this, you will be that much closer to peace within.

What are your morals, truth, and integrity? Do you know what they are?

How does compassion lead to forgiveness, you might wonder. Compassion is defined by Webster as sorrow felt for another’s suffering or troubles, coupled with an urge to help in some way, deep sympathy. They also say pity, yet, I believe we don’t have to pity another in order to have compassion For me, it manifests as very soft and tender thoughts for another, often coupled with a deep knowingness of or wanting to understand one’s troubles so I can offer help of some sort.

Compassion leads to forgiveness when we recognize how we have done the very thing for which we are angry at or hurt by another. This powerful realization happened to me. I was doing a self-appraisal of all my relationships, and I recognizd I used to get drunk and yell at my partner at the time how worthless they were, that they wouldn’t amount to anything.

I was horrified to remember this! I didn’t mean those things I said. I was feeling badly about myself, which is what prompted the words in the first place. Then I realized they were the very words that were told to me as a child. I began to wonder if the person who uttered them to me also felt badly about himself at the time he yelled those words.

I felt compassion for myself, for the deep-seated feelings of worthlessness that led me to say these wounding words. Suddenly, I saw the man who said those words to me, as a suffering human being, hurting like I hurt, lashing out like I lashed out. I had great compassion for both of us, both wounded souls. I began to realize that I would like forgiveness in this situation, and believed that to be true for my perpetrator, as well. I softened  to both of us, and brought forth all the compassion I could muster. I understood why the words were said. They had nothing to do with me or my worth. Years of hurt and pain were washed away, as my compassion gave way to forgiveness.

So tell me, how does compassion lead to forgiveness in your life? Does it? Can it if you look with compassion?

Todays’ topic is gentleness, which is reflected in this photo titled  Bed of Gentleness, as in bed of ivy. This appears in the book right after Search of Self for a very specific reason.

It has been my experience that when we look at ourselves, do a personal inventory, we often then turn around and beat ourselves up for who we are, for what we said or did, or for mistakes we have made.

That response is incompatible with and defeats what we find when we do that self-appraisal. For example, we identify the areas which could use some improvement. If we are doing a comprehensive inventory, we will have also uncovered many good things about ourselves as well. So, when we beat ourselves up or have remorse about ourselves, our behaviors, we are negating our positive side.

Rather, we might  look upon ourselves with some tender and gentle thoughts. In my experience, when I do this, it leads me to compassion because I recognize my humanness. When we see with compassion, we can smile and soothe ourselves. And, it just automatically translates into gentleness. Once we are gentle with ourselves as we learn, grow, and heal, we can be gentle with others, and isn’t that the name of the game?

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author, photographer, and publisher of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. Using photographs of wrought-iron gates and uplifting prose, this book chronicles Carolyn’s own personal healing journey that occurred in sobriety, from the depths of despair and praying to die, to joy and inner peace. The book is available on this site, or through Amazon. Additionally, the bookstores which carry the book are listed on this site.

Also on this site is one selected image each month to be printed as a limited edition. This can be ordered as a print, a matted print, or matted and framed.

My humble apologies to those of you who are following my blog. It has been a while since I have posted. I was in Denver from the 9th to the 14th, visiting old friends and doing a presentation at the Boulder Bookstore. My visit was like a spiritual experience, with the climax being a dinner Saturday night, with 8 of us, all old friend of mine. Like, known since 1967, and 1974 old friends. I lived in Colorado for 22 years before moving to California, which is why I know most of these people. One, I have known since junior high school.

I quietly just listened to the conversation going on around me at the dinner table. Dan, in his 60′s, was listening with great intent to Geoffrey, who was talking about some very personal issues. So here is this 30-something man, expressing deep feelings. That was beautiful to witness, and on top of that, Dan’s patience and concern made it spiritual for me.

That wasn’t all that made it spiritual for me, though. I listened as the conversations flowed like silk, from one set of people to the next. Old friends who care and love each other so much. I was humbled to be a part of it, and felt quite blessed to be included, as if I had never moved away.

I came back with a serious back injury, having performed a stretching exercise that may have herniated a disk. So, I have been out for the count, which is why I have not written in the last week since my return. It touches my heart a great deal that you continue to visit my site, and will make every attempt to get back on track with 2-3 posts a week.

Meanwhile, I hope you all have in your lives the chance to experience with family and/or friends what I did, that you will experience humility in the face of spirituality.

A self-appraisal is what is meant when I say search of self. It is the ability to go, each time, to that place of looking with honesty at one’s actions or thoughts or words. Many people are afraid to do this, as they are afraid they will find there is nothing to them, or that they are all bad.

No one is all bad. We each have redeeming, delightful qualities. When looking at oneself, look at the good things, as well as the areas that could use improvement. Look for your clear heart, shining brightly, clearly, truthfully, like that knob in the image…

Being honest about what one has said or done, even when it means having to be humble, is the path to peace. Owning one’s flaws and foibles gives them a sense of relief; the need to be right disappears, the poor behavior can be viewed with compassion. When we identify poor behavior and see it with compassion, we see a wounded person… us… and we can soothe ourselves.

Above and beyond that is the way in which we spend our time blaming others for our troubles, when, if we looked carefully at our actions, we would see that we are the originator of our problems. Often, we have done or said something which has set into motion an untoward event or reaction on somebody’s part, and we blame someone else. That is where we need to stop and look at ourselves closely, ferreting out our part in the affair.

I have found when I do this, yes, at first I am embarrassed about my behavior, but then I see myself with compassion, and my thoughts toward myself soften. Then, I am able to see where my actions led to an uncomfortable or confrontative situation.  When I see that it was my doing,  I can then take responsibility for my actions or words, changing them, or apologizing. This skill has led me tp peace countless times.

With one messy situation today, look at your part in it, and if you were in error, make a correction in some way. How did it feel to do that?

What does it mean to join the journey of life? What is the journey anyway? I use that term to include the series of events and experiences that occur in our life as we go about living it, from day to day. In that definition is the inclusion of living a spiritually-based life, believing in some force greater than yourself that keeps the “ball” rolling.

For me, it also includes committing to a journey of sobriety, of living life according to principles of living without drinking, living a better life in my head, being a better person in the world. It involves adopting ways of treating myself and others, such as with tolerance, respect, and love. It embraces a life filled with behaviors such as forgiveness and compassion.

When I say join the journey of life, I refer to taking on the challenge to be involved in our lives… the leaves that have fallen, the leaves that are grown, and the buds yet to form. Life is a journey – climb the stairs and join it.

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Carolyn CJ Jones is the author and photographer of the book Opening the Gates of the Heart: A Journey of Healing. More about the book can be seen above under “The Book,” or in the videos on the sidebar. “About Me and My Work” above reveals more about her. Carolyn is now offering limited edition professional prints, either as prints, matted, or framed which can be viewed above. February’s limited edition print is Visions of Gratitude.